mesnip18716Over several years now, I have been assailed by I’m Alright Jacks telling me to stop moaning about Microsoft and get a Mac. In a triumph of hope over history, I have patiently (and then far more rudely) tried to explain where their cranium-up-bum outlook inevitably leads.

But still, it seems, they don’t get it. So tonight – in one last despairing effort – I thought I’d try to explain the obvious through the use of parallels. The theme is presented in a series of fact v dumbarsed ‘solutions’ to contemporary dilemmas.

I don’t want to be in the EU. Then move to Paraguay you scumfascistbigotracist.

I want the State Pension I was promised back. What do you expect from politicians – honesty? Get on your bike and get a job you numptie.

On my way back home tonight, I was mugged and my entire monthly cash to live on was stolen. What kind of mad old bag are you walking the streets of Britain after dark – don’t you know anything?

This morning, my local NHS Trust told me I’ll have wait seven months for a hip replacement. Never heard of private health insurance? Where’ve you been since 1979?

Oh how easy it is to offer my solution to your problem.

Blackbird singing in the dead of night

take these sunken eyes and learn to see.NHS

You were only waiting

for this moment to be free.

Earlier at The Slog: The winning ways of Francois Hollande