Voilà François le plat écran/dépourvue toujours d’élan

mesnip30716Ever the man to avoid risk under all circumstances, Monsieur le Président François Hollande has at last come out and said he’d quite like to run again in 2017, but only if it’s a walkover. It’s a whole new approach to minimising failure, and it just might work. Or something.

Having seen the news on Twitter just now, I found this response irresistible:


By some distance the most unpopular President in Vth Republic history, he broke a new depth record in June, when a TNS Sofres poll for Le Figaro Magazine put his rating at 12%. But Frankie le plat écran is obviously feeling better that last month the figure zoomed to 17%. And that, of course, was before the unemployment figures came out…showing unemployment had fallen to a mere 9.9%.

“I have the urge to run in 2017,” he told two respected journalists, “but I know what it is to have no personal life. So if there is no chance of success, I will not run”.

There’s nothing French voters would like more than for Hollande to return to private life, but it all depends on how one defines “chance” really. At what point, for example, would he decide he had “no chance” – after the exit polls? With Hitler, the Russians were lobbing grenades through the Bunker’s back door before the Führer finally decided the game was up.

You simply never can tell. But what I love about the “pledge” is that it is so perfectly infantile, it suits Francois to a tee. “Ah arm ornlee pleying unless yoerr let me scurr more gowels zan ze uzza team, an’ eet eez mah bowal so zair”.

Nevertheless, for the first time in a life he has never quite managed to get, the President could be about to set a trend. Wouldn’t it be wonderful if all public officials – elected or otherwise – gave we the voters early warning of their hopeless position?

Take our own unelected Theresa Maniac, for exmple: imagine the joy at seeing this in print during 2019:

“….so I now accept that the Cabinet, ninety percent of Tory backbenchers, and 100% of Party grassroots workers think I’m a nasty old bitch trying to keep us moored to the Eutanic in perpetuity. This reality – coupled with my popularity rating of one gibbering psychotic in a Docklands penthouse – forces me with great sadness to make way for someone who stands at least a snowball in Hell’s chance of winning”.

Or this from Hillary Billary in the US:

“From Day One of this campaign there has been a concerted attempt by the American media to prove me some kind of depraved sociopath handing Ambassadors to the wolves, writing emails threatening people, murdering others who expressed a foolish interest in blowing the whistle, embezzling State funds on behalf of my husband, and lying about the fact that I wear a tupée while sporting men’s underwear. This proof being now incontrovertible, I have decided to run away somewhere that has no extradition treaty with the US”.

So then: do the decent thing, Owen Smith, Anne Keen, Angela Merkel, Mario Draghi and Wolfgang Schäuble. You know it makes sense.