A statement made from the Treasury and rubber bands and glue by the Chancellor while most people were asleep this morning.

Over the last few days, I have been assessing the situation going forward since the British People’s democratic decision – and I respect that decision – to ruin everything I’ve achieved over the last six years. This is a democracy and I am proud of that fact, but all the hard work this Government has done to miss every deficit target, add 50% to the National Debt, shrink the manufacturing sector and reduce wage levels and hours worked will now come to nothing.

Thankfully, I and my Treasury colleagues had prepared full contingency plans for the possibility of voters getting it wrong, and that explains why I and hundreds of other civil servants have been running about like headless blue-arsed chicken flies over the last few days, unlike those merchants of hate who chose to play cricket instead.

During these exhausting days, many of us have gone without sleep to save the country we love; and so to ensure that things continued to run smoothly with a hint of megalomania, I have been in constant touch with businesses throughout the country. Young and aggressive entrepreneurial suppliers like Mr Delbert Winstanley of Railton Rd Brixton, repeated massages from Lady Fishnet-Bigwhip, and suppliers of fine libations like Lafitte & Bethune: all these have played their part.

But now all that preparation is in place, and I say to the world once again, “Britain is open for business: big business, funny business and monkey business, it makes no difference: we’re here with the brown envelopes and offshore idylls if you’re there with the tartan paint”.

Volatility will be with us for some time, and so we are proposing to control that in various ways. First of all, David Cameron has resigned to let someone else face the bullets, while secondly, I am working very closely with bankers Johnson Gove & Lizard to ensure that Article 50 is not invoked until 2030, if ever. Third, Frau Doktor Mirakle of Germany has usefully asked her colleagues in the Commission to give Britain lots of time to consider the mistake it has made with a view to rerunning the Referendum at a time of mutual convenience. Fourth, my media advisors Switchsell Research have launched a petition to nullify last Thursday’s result, and while respecting that result, I myself have signed the petition several hundred times. And finally, many of the Party’s leading mediocrities will engage in a bitter struggle to unite the Conservatives under a new leader, which may or may not be me….it all depends on whether this morning’s bid to look like a tough, weatherbeaten helmsman evokes support or ribald laughter.

But let me clear about this: I love my country, its gritty determination in the face of dashed hopes, its activist view of sofa callisthenics, and its tolerance. We must now unite and put an end to hate forever by whatever means possible, starting with the arrest of the UKIP Executive on a charge of non-violent extremism leading to the brutal murder of Jo Cox.

I will not see Great Britain turn into a nation of hateful Xenophobics. Our hate in the Government will as always be reserved for uppity 1950s Women justifiably deprived of State pensions, the disabled, the unemployed, State education, the Health Service and anyone who asks me an awkward question at the end.

And so, let us steel ourselves to our task, and follow the uniting examples of both the Labour and Conservative Parties who between them have worked tirelessly to make Britain what it is today. So that – looking back fifty years from now – our genetically modified grandchilden can say, “This was my bid for power”. Or graded grains make finer flour, or he kept his powder dry in a locked fridge. Or something.

Thank you

At the weekend Slog: The greatest protest against self-interested failure in history