osstern

This is George. George is mathematically dyslexic and sociopathic, both conditions known to be inherited. Yet George is being stigmatised by Hard Left non-violent extremists and wild conspiracy theorists for things that are not his fault….he was born that way and of course I blame the parents.

For instance, take a look at this table of crude oil prices put out by the IEA last week:

oilexcost

Poor George sees this table as a vague blur of meaningless symbols, and so he has no way at all of understanding that conventional oil can be extracted from the ground for $23, whereas fracked products cost $70 – or more than three times as much – to reach the same stage. So profit and loss being alien concepts to this victim of bigotry, he has been easily misled by Texan tartan paint salesmen into believing that fracking is the only way to go.

The tragedy for George (whose surname we cannot reveal for unethically legal security reasons) is that his entire educational career was a desperate attempt to avoid all things mathematical in favour of courses like flower arranging, domestic science, prostitution and tabloid journalism. But now – fallen on hard times and in pitiful desperation – he finds himself in charge of British finances, and constant fear of being outed as an apparent conman and personal Welfare Cheat by Iain Duncan-Sniff, heartless Grüppenführer at the universally feared Deutschewaffenprojekt (DWP).

Worse still, the pressure on George has led to him needing regular release from reality through the medium of harmful olfactory stimulants, many of which are known to be both addictive and prone to further reduction of an inherited brain unter-function.

This Christmas, I beg you to spare a thought – and perhaps, a small cash contribution – to provide George with the specialist protective environment he needs in order to survive in Cruel Britannica. Just £2 a month will put George in a caring straitjacket for the rest of his unnatural life. As little as £1.50 a week will keep George chained to an ice-cold and damp wall in the re-educational dungeons of Chateau D’If. £5 a quarter will guarantee him being rigorously serviced by Turkish jailers of indeterminate orificial preference, specially trained by his mentor David’s enduring hero, Recep ‘Rambolist’ Erdogan.

So please send whatever you can to:

Draper Charities (2015) plc

Grant Shapps Relief Division

London SW17 4ME

email: chimps@HMRC.gov.org.uk.cayman

Tel: 0044 207 9000

Earlier at The Slog: Ping Pong Merrily on high, Hosanna Borisconi