The Christmas Slog appeal: please give Little George a safer future

osstern

This is George. George is mathematically dyslexic and sociopathic, both conditions known to be inherited. Yet George is being stigmatised by Hard Left non-violent extremists and wild conspiracy theorists for things that are not his fault….he was born that way and of course I blame the parents.

For instance, take a look at this table of crude oil prices put out by the IEA last week:

oilexcost

Poor George sees this table as a vague blur of meaningless symbols, and so he has no way at all of understanding that conventional oil can be extracted from the ground for $23, whereas fracked products cost $70 – or more than three times as much – to reach the same stage. So profit and loss being alien concepts to this victim of bigotry, he has been easily misled by Texan tartan paint salesmen into believing that fracking is the only way to go.

The tragedy for George (whose surname we cannot reveal for unethically legal security reasons) is that his entire educational career was a desperate attempt to avoid all things mathematical in favour of courses like flower arranging, domestic science, prostitution and tabloid journalism. But now – fallen on hard times and in pitiful desperation – he finds himself in charge of British finances, and constant fear of being outed as an apparent conman and personal Welfare Cheat by Iain Duncan-Sniff, heartless Grüppenführer at the universally feared Deutschewaffenprojekt (DWP).

Worse still, the pressure on George has led to him needing regular release from reality through the medium of harmful olfactory stimulants, many of which are known to be both addictive and prone to further reduction of an inherited brain unter-function.

This Christmas, I beg you to spare a thought – and perhaps, a small cash contribution – to provide George with the specialist protective environment he needs in order to survive in Cruel Britannica. Just £2 a month will put George in a caring straitjacket for the rest of his unnatural life. As little as £1.50 a week will keep George chained to an ice-cold and damp wall in the re-educational dungeons of Chateau D’If. £5 a quarter will guarantee him being rigorously serviced by Turkish jailers of indeterminate orificial preference, specially trained by his mentor David’s enduring hero, Recep ‘Rambolist’ Erdogan.

So please send whatever you can to:

Draper Charities (2015) plc

Grant Shapps Relief Division

London SW17 4ME

email: chimps@HMRC.gov.org.uk.cayman

Tel: 0044 207 9000

Earlier at The Slog: Ping Pong Merrily on high, Hosanna Borisconi

22 thoughts on “The Christmas Slog appeal: please give Little George a safer future

  1. Ah, George, dear George, I’ve told him to forget those silly olfactories – what we need is new factories, I said. He was very sniffy about it.

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  2. Glad to see someone’s paying attention – I’m pretty sure he said one of the boys was called John Ward, something like that ;)

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  3. Let’s get this right.That’s £3.50 per week plus £5.00 per quarter. I would like to donate to all three in the sincere belief that this will change little George’s life for better.Bless.

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  4. Only a minor quibble, I was under the impression that Turkish Gaolers are fairly specific re orifice selection (for males anyway)…
    George found floating in Michael Barrymore’s pool having had not a hint of any numbing agent administered via any orifice whatsoever. Rectum, no completely destroyedum.

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  5. Thank you for injecting humour into this dire, foetid, destructive shitmongering. I will as always contribute to the languid efforts of George, and his coven, by bleeding my eyeballs and neglecting to feed my own offspring, so that poor George (and Georgeites the Uk over) can suffer the festive period with some modicum of decency.
    Thank you for raising this pressing issue and merry Christmas. And to you George – try to enjoy some of giving season… Try to sleep at night…
    (You miserable cretin)

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  6. I managed to squeeze out a tear for poor wee Georgie by waving a small onion about; feel so sorry for the malevolent little prat I really do. Thank you for bringing his plight to our attention … my Xmas has been greatly improved.

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  7. I recommend we all club together to give the wallpaper maestro a victorian prison crank machine. Working one of these 14400 times a day with the screw fully in would in time work wonders with his numeracy. As an additional bonus perhaps we could obtain tickets in order to watch.

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  8. Lol JW, want more Xmas cheer … what’s the betting the taxpayer ends up footing ther $40 dollar difference a barrel?

    No subsidies for fracking at all… not one penny and no bank should be allowed to lend neither where the taxpayer ends up supporting the TBTF. So the only money should be by those who if they have it want to throw $40 a barrel away.

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  9. Excellent article JW.
    I would willing donate to boy George’s fund, if I thought it would happen, but If you get rid of him. There are plenty more to take his place.
    As for FFFracking. Common sense would be to do explorations to see if and how much recoverable gas there is, then do nothing more till and if oil prices rise to make fracking cost effective. Unfortunately common sense is not found in our FFFlameing Political class.
    @Mark Deacon correctly states; what’s the betting the taxpayer ends up footing their $40 dollar difference a barrel?
    TOO TRUE
    No subsidies for fracking at all… not one penny and no bank should be allowed to lend neither where the taxpayer ends up supporting the TBTF. So the only money should be by those who if they have it want to throw $40 a barrel away.
    VERY SOUND, BUT IT WILL NEVER HAPPEN.
    If only this would happen, but if you check out the financial activities of most of the political masters, whilst careful with their own finances. Treat the nations finances with the largess there are plenty of taxpayers still being fleeced for their grand schemes. If not they can always borrow more on the nations credit card.

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  10. A proper MP of the old school fighting for his constituents [and yes his backers] subsidise the City, but what about the workers.
    Criticise the EU for taking British taxpayers money, but why don’t our elected leaders use the system to maximise grants to the UK from the EU?

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