David Cameron’s dramatic success in convincing former surrender-monkey Jihadist-hugging MPs that they should vote in favour of five plucky airborne British Sopwith Camels dropping Standard Fireworks thrupenny bangers on ISIL forces in Syria was based on an emotional last-minute appeal, The Slog can now reveal.
UK Prime Minister David Cameron yesterday evening broke with tradition to share top secret information with
lobby-fodder legislators by revealing the hitherto top secret real reason why – in his role as Lord High Protector of England and not forgetting the Jocks and Taffies – he could not live with himself ever again if he didn’t use all five hand-crafted British Made top secret bangers as “the only way left to bring ISIL to its knees”.
“After detailed discussions with M,” he told gawping MPs in a uniquely in camera session, “I have decided to share with you all what only our world class military intelligence services know – that fearless, stop-at-nothing crack disciplined globally organised and phenominally rich ISIL Jihadists really do not like loud bangs at all.
“Our best brains down at Goonhillyscale Down have been working on a top secret project to combine the bang of a thrupenny Standard thingy with the devastating visual effects of a Brocks sherbert fountain,” he continued, “and this deaf-and-blind outcome will, we are certain, knock ISIL out of the War on Terror in the same way that the second atom bomb persuaded the Japanese to give up the fight although of course we are all friends again now and I continue to admire their good taste in choosing to buy British made golf clubs and Shortbread biscuits”.
In a similar vein, European Central Bank Capo dei Capo Mario Draghi yesterday explained to monetary experts why all the evidence pointed to unqualified success for the 93rd round of QE to be launched later this month.
“We must remember,” he suggested, “that the first 91 attempts at QE in Britain, America, China and Japan were doomed to failure because of unpredictable movements on the El Nino Exchange. These were especially active during the Phase 1 stimulation in the eurozone. We have learned that, as with any financial product like for example undesalinated sea water, the temperature can go up as well as down – and with the recent negative heat situation in the El Nino Exchange space, people have stayed at home rather than go shopping.
“For Phase Two,” he continued, “I am grateful for the help we have received from the Pentagon in this regard when it comes to minimising the effects of flux on the ENE, and this should have a dramatic effect on levels of consumption. If this doesn’t work, we shall then try a new strategy, Extreme Prejudice Termination. Under the EPT system, purchasing is brought forward in a direct attempt at front end pullthrough via the post-distribution electronic funds transfer channel. That is to say, all EU citizens will be given a daily quota of things they must buy – entirely for their own protection, naturally – and then shot if they fail to fulfil the quota by 6pm in their given time zone. This will, we estimate, produce immediate 12% growth in the economy, and a 6% reduction in the population size, the latter of which should help to create room for – and stabilise the unpredictable movements of late in – the Shadow Refugee occupation process.
Down now to the Southern Hemisphere, where Australian coastguards are becoming concerned about the movements of a large fleet of Turkish warships and landing craft off the Queensland coast. I understand (although this is as yet unconfirmed) that Ankara announced the arrival of this Refugee Flotilla two hours ago, following which loyal Nato member and ISIL affiliated pacifist Recep Erdogan went on Turkish television to announce its purpose.
“We come with good and peaceful intentions,” he began, “in that only wish is stop bombing of Syrian freedom fighters wrongly smeared as terrorists by infidel just because they do medical research into effect of decapitation on human body. If bombing not stopped, we put landing craft ashore, all fully equipped with adult human bombs carrying dead children, create havoc from Dunk Island to Sydney, you just watch us if we don’t.
“But like I say, peace is our priority – for Islam is religion of peace so if stop bombing not possible, we will accept offer of $30billion in used notes of small denomination plus 25% of 2015 Australian mining production and annual quota of fast-track immigration for 20,000 Jihadists per annum into Australia in perpetuity….and if no room there, Woomera.”
Sources close to Mr Erdogan confirmed that, after Australia, the Refugee Flotilla would be making further peace appeals to Japan, the Phillipines, China and India. But head of the Queensland Wildlife Development Corporation Mr Bruce Pilchard of Daintree dismissed the Turkish plans as a fantasy.
“Oo is this pikey Eddie Gunn anyway?” he commented, “Listen mite, if the feckin’ sharks don’t geddum, the salt crocs will, and even if they git ashore, the redbacks and any one of a thousand diddley snikes’ll pack ’em all off to Allah, nar worries.”