Cameron on secret weapons, Draghi on El Nino, & Erdogan on the take

David Cameron’s dramatic success in convincing former surrender-monkey Jihadist-hugging MPs that they should vote in favour of five plucky airborne British Sopwith Camels dropping Standard Fireworks thrupenny bangers on ISIL forces in Syria was based on an emotional last-minute appeal, The Slog can now reveal.

UK Prime Minister David Cameron yesterday evening broke with tradition to share top secret information with lobby-fodder legislators by revealing the  hitherto top secret real reason why – in his role as Lord High Protector of England and not forgetting the Jocks and Taffies – he could not live with himself ever again if he didn’t use all five hand-crafted British Made top secret bangers as “the only way left to bring ISIL to its knees”.
“After detailed discussions with M,” he told gawping MPs in a uniquely in camera session, “I have decided to share with you all what only our world class military intelligence services know – that fearless, stop-at-nothing crack disciplined globally organised and phenominally rich ISIL Jihadists really do not like loud bangs at all.
“Our best brains down at Goonhillyscale Down have been working on a top secret project to combine the bang of a thrupenny Standard thingy with the devastating visual effects of a Brocks sherbert fountain,” he continued, “and this deaf-and-blind outcome will, we are certain, knock ISIL out of the War on Terror in the same way that the second atom bomb persuaded the Japanese to give up the fight although of course we are all friends again now and I continue to admire their good taste in choosing to buy British made golf clubs and Shortbread biscuits”.

In a similar vein, European Central Bank Capo dei Capo Mario Draghi yesterday explained to monetary experts why all the evidence pointed to unqualified success for the 93rd round of QE to be launched later this month.
“We must remember,” he suggested, “that the first 91 attempts at QE in Britain, America, China and Japan were doomed to failure because of unpredictable movements on the El Nino Exchange. These were especially active during the Phase 1 stimulation in the eurozone. We have learned that, as with any financial product like for example undesalinated sea water, the temperature can go up as well as down – and with the recent negative heat situation in the El Nino Exchange space, people have stayed at home rather than go shopping.
“For Phase Two,” he continued, “I am grateful for the help we have received from the Pentagon in this regard when it comes to minimising the effects of flux on the ENE, and this should have a dramatic effect on levels of consumption. If this doesn’t work, we shall then try a new strategy, Extreme Prejudice Termination. Under the EPT system, purchasing is brought forward in a direct attempt at front end pullthrough via the post-distribution electronic funds transfer channel. That is to say, all EU citizens will be given a daily quota of things they must buy – entirely for their own protection, naturally – and then shot if they fail to fulfil the quota by 6pm in their given time zone. This will, we estimate, produce immediate 12% growth in the economy, and a 6% reduction in the population size, the latter of which should help to create room for – and stabilise the unpredictable movements of late in – the Shadow Refugee occupation process.

Down now to the Southern Hemisphere, where Australian coastguards are becoming concerned about the movements of a large fleet of Turkish warships and landing craft off the Queensland coast. I understand (although this is as yet unconfirmed) that Ankara announced the arrival of this Refugee Flotilla two hours ago, following which loyal Nato member and ISIL affiliated pacifist Recep Erdogan went on Turkish television to announce its purpose.
“We come with good and peaceful intentions,” he began, “in that only wish is stop bombing of Syrian freedom fighters wrongly smeared as terrorists by infidel just because they do medical research into effect of decapitation on human body. If bombing not stopped, we put landing craft ashore, all fully equipped with adult human bombs carrying dead children, create havoc from Dunk Island to Sydney, you just watch us if we don’t.
“But like I say, peace is our priority – for Islam is religion of peace so if stop bombing not possible, we will accept offer of $30billion in used notes of small denomination plus 25% of 2015 Australian mining production and annual quota of fast-track immigration for 20,000 Jihadists per annum into Australia in perpetuity….and if no room there, Woomera.”
Sources close to Mr Erdogan confirmed that, after Australia, the Refugee Flotilla would be making further peace appeals to Japan, the Phillipines, China and India. But head of the Queensland Wildlife Development Corporation Mr Bruce Pilchard of Daintree dismissed the Turkish plans as a fantasy.
“Oo is this pikey Eddie Gunn anyway?” he commented, “Listen mite, if the feckin’ sharks don’t geddum, the salt crocs will, and even if they git ashore, the redbacks and any one of a thousand diddley snikes’ll pack ’em all off to Allah, nar worries.”

Yesterday at The Slog: Lord of the Fly-Zones – how he got there

34 thoughts on “Cameron on secret weapons, Draghi on El Nino, & Erdogan on the take

  1. Someone please give Chilcot a heads up. I’m guessing Camoron gonna his own public enquiry after labelling most of the UK as Terroist Sympathisers.

    On a releated note, Camoron has some serious questions to answer on Turkey and the theft of Syrian oil by ISIL/ISIS and the help by Erdogan son and other friends in low places like Qatar, Saudi Arabia and Israel in said theft and being terroist sysmpathisers.


  2. OAH is presently in Manila, which last time he looked was named after King Felipe of Spain in 1521. It’s spelling later got Anglicised by the Septics who invaded in 1898 to the Philippines, relinquishing them reluctantly in 1942 to the Gentlemen of Nippon before recovering them in 1945 and handing them over to the locals in 1946. It’s spelling remains as shown despite Imelds Marcos’ worst efforts to rename them the Kalayaan (Freedom) Islands in the 1980s.



  3. Might be better off with the Standard Cannon bangers from the 1960s. As I recall they could take your fingers off. And with no fingers you can’t easily fire a gun.


  4. A middle class ,soft arsed , pampered product of the elite, namely Hilary Benn (even got a girlies name) who has never been even near a kerfuffle outside a boozer on a Friday night, gives a Colonel Blimp/John Bull speech for war and all the soft shites wet their britches in orgasmic ecstasy.
    I can understand our MP’s being undermined, even corrupted, but stupidity regarding facts on the ground and a vote to go to an illegal war in a country that is of no concern to us is beyond my ken.
    The orchestrated hysteria by the MSM of the Paris atrocities were used to manipulate the uninformed to vote for this war. The perpetrators of those massacres were all home grown with tenuous links to Syria.
    Bombing Syria will not make Britain safer, but more dangerous from blowback from our own homegrown extremists. I despair at the denseness of our political class and the insouciance of the electorate.


  5. I feel a great deal of sympathy for the terrorists who didn’t realise they were, until visited from above by the onanistic ordnance of our opportunist oligarchy. David Cameldung may enjoy the cacophonous cameladerie of his circus chimps chumps but is still just another misguided missile with fissile intentions.


  6. David Cameldung can now honestly claim to be a true ship shit of the desert. He is an ungulate usurper with no redeeming features who spits in the face of good governance.


  7. I think the notion of bombing the ‘head of the snake’ in Syria , is a serious folly, but for reasons not yet mentioned.
    I’ve been pondering on the aspect of ISIL structure, and I think it is as yet, poorly understood. In our western military thinking, we have a hierarchy. We have a command and control structure with a ‘chain of command’ I believe ISIL, by their very nature, do not have that same hierarchical structure. By the very nature of *Jihad*, the structure of ISIL is *cellular* not hierarchical. The concept of Jihad imposes on the individual a religious duty to destroy anything that does not conform to their brand of Islam. Understanding this crucial point is key to understanding the folly of bombing the ‘head of the snake’, in Syria.
    The point is this :
    1. ISIL terrorists in Paris and elsewhere, are NOT waiting for a GO command from ‘the head of the snake’, but instead are operating via their self imposed duty [Jihad], in an autonomous independent cellular fashion when they strike in Paris, Tunisia London etc
    2. If ISIL is working in a cellular structure rather than hierarchical, then their method of functioning is closer to the operating system of the internet. If you understand the workings of the internet, its software backbone [HTTP], was purposely designed to work around the destruction of a node or cell and resume its core function.
    3. In conclusion,..If *Jihad* is akin to HTTP, in that ISIL is operating at the individual level, in a self correcting [internet style], cellular fashion, then there is no substantial hierarchical ‘head of the snake’ to speak of. As such, bombing Raqqa will have little effect in stopping the autonomous ‘Jihadi’ nodes or cells across the world from continuing their terror strikes across the world.


  8. The Westminster Bubble is alive and well. Whats the odds of a terrorist attack before Christmas? Well I guess it depends on whether Obama allows us to bomb ISIS or sand.


  9. “… by Erdogan son and other friends in low places like Qatar, Saudi Arabia and Israel in said theft and being terroist sysmpathisers.”

    Erdogan seems to have all the attributes to run the IAAF or FIFA!


  10. Wow JW you keeping count on number of uses of QE globally … Awesome.

    The other good news is Tiscali (TalkTalk) changed my password or a hacker did because there was no method of changing this. Dam good job I got all the important stuff moved over don’t you think?


  11. How old are you John? In my day they were penny bangers and tuppenny Canons! (If I remember) Perhaps a tenner’ jumping jack or perhaps a fifteener would really cause them a problem, if the MOD Defence budget doesn’t get slashed by Georgie boy!


  12. @TFS – Cameron and the terrorist sympathiser label.

    The CIA created ISIS as a spin off by trying to oust Assad, allowed ISIS to funnel its oil for cash through Turkey to keep the campaign rolling.

    Cameron should be labelling himself as a terrorist sympathiser for going along with that.


  13. I think at the end of the “Syria War Movie Parliament Vote” there ought to be a caption:

    “No British children were harmed in the reaching of this decision to go to war.” We all know the dark implications behind that.


  14. Russia’s bombing campaign in Syria will “lead to further radicalisation and increased terrorism.” said David Cameron on 4th October 2015.
    How short his memory is when it suits eh?


  15. John

    I’m at a total loss !WTF is going on: And you aint helping:
    You kick off with camels …I start looking for Biggles.Nowt (I got the hump now), looking for a blow! job even in my days, I suspect , one would not get one for thrupence. So I start to read your splurge again.
    Things start to clarify a little , with your indirect ref to idris .(Your ref sherbert foyntain).. then you carry on about his most highestnestes been on his knees looking for old bangers, now that old slag Sophy Tucker ..darn the side of wor’erloo.. had some stardards to live downto.
    and I would not like to think she would entertain any Burlington Burqy.
    Now note, right through ww2 adds for this foul liquid Idris , carried by London Transport vehicles. we used it to cleaned up dirty coppers.
    I’ll finish now, as I am having trouble extracting all the hidden stuff.


  16. 19:53
    US Attorney Robert Capers: “One of the men, Romer Osuna, is alleged to have taken millions of dollars in bribes as treasurer of Conmebol. Amazingly, he is now a member of Fifa’s audit and compliance committee – one of Fifa’s sub-committees charged with developing reform proposals.” From

    Only really to do with the title’s ‘on the take’…..but you really couldn’t make it up, apart from the fact that you’d merely be replicating what FIFA has done for years and years… one tends to suspect that they are ‘trying to get away with it’ again right now. One understands that plenty more arrests are pending, which would be most comforting…..


  17. Good ole hilery Ben Hilary Hiller oh hell, He is being hailed as some kind of hero? aw Bless. I had a very interesting conversation with a judge today ( socially)! I told him I knew that some one was going to enter a primary school , start murdering children,ripping limbs from them, scortching their bodies,stabbing their eyes with sharp glass. “OMG you must go and inform the police of this” he said in a shocked tone. I replied oh ok how do you spell your surname? He looked puzzled, I said well you are all for the bombing, what eh ehe old chaps! So you are quite happy for someone else to do your killing fir you aw how quaint. He was furious as you can imagine, but then looked at me and said…YOU my dear should have been opposite Hilary Ben, what a bloody great argument. I digress. Thank you. So, some people are so set on their party politics and self promotion they miss the part where they ARE holding the guns at childern- no betetr than ISIS. Our servic men and women also having to endure a bloody battle, for nothing! Some can’t even get decent housing when they leave the services!

    Proud of SNP for voting NO. Not so proud of them taking ‘Syrian’ ‘refugees’ who bought and paid for a better life – So while we help them by having hate laws etc we will be killing their families back home… damn there is always a down side! I bet they were made to cross their hearts and spit on their palms and promise not to join ISIS… mwahahahahaha. There are more terrorists in the West than Middle east. People smuggling the biggest growth industry.


  18. Ah, yes, Hilary Clinton Benn, I remember him well, such a darling of gross ineptitude. Apparently certain relations of such are absolutely apoplectic about the derision his ‘magnificent’ speech has caused – reminiscent of those old Billy Bunter tirades against the bullying Flashman. Sound familiar? Yes, those old new labourites are totally appalled at the so called ‘abuse’ levelled at them – these are the people for years have cruelly demonised everyone but themselves, killed, erm lost a few here and there, taken all the cash they can muster and want to quarrel with a few local difficulties and cry because they are being ‘nasty’ The political playground in Britain is a dangerous place these days made the more so by these self aggrandising idiots who think they are our bosses instead of in reality, are our paid servants – that MP for Barrow is such a larf ain’t he …. and how many of them are labour friends of izzreel????


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