Faith in British Justice was restored today when leading Ginger activist Rebekah Minge-Wader was forced by Mile End magistrates to pay a £50 parking fine or face fifteen minutes in an open prison. Explaining that Ms Minge-Wader was “disappointed” with the result, her lawyer Dame Amber Lance-Chaser told the media, “My client is an expert on the game of Monopoly and was convinced the worst she would get was ‘pay a £10 fine or take a Chance’, so we shall undoubtedly appeal”.
In reaching their verdict, the magistrates took into account three charges of premeditated murder, 56 perversions of the course of justice, and one charge of having sex with a Mrs Doris Jobsdone of 47 The Elms, Buttocks-on-Troufe, Richmond.
Italian scientists have unearthed a pre-Christian Roman stone tablet making reference to Hadrian’s Collider – a weapon developed using deep-fried Mars bars (DFMB) to keep the Scots out of the Roman Empire. Writings found close to the tablets suggest that the idea was to lob plentiful supplies of DFMB into Caledonium in order to stop forays by pig-ignorant Australian anti-Semitic actors (ARSES) into the conquered territory of England – known then as Britannica, and today as Camerlot. The idea was that DFMB/ARSE collisions would keep the Scottish tribes quiet in the face of bellend rulers first of all in Rome, then later Normandy and finally Westminster.
The ruse worked rather well until May 2015 – almost 2150 years after the scheme was launched – following which a shoal of monster Sturgeons and Salmon broke free from Loch Ness and invaded the Palace of Westminster. Rampaging with impolite applause during every session, they demanded access to the Bellends of Brussels in order to obtain their freedom. Contemporary observers wondered whether there might be something genetically disabled in the Jock brain.
In a shock new research outcome recorded in the British Miracle Journal last week, visiting Professor Heinz Varietalisch at the Anne Summers University of Thursbury noted:
‘The juxtaposition of a sex position is inversely proportional to the angle of tangle and pubic exposition when the perversion of insertion and the fraction of extraction are greater than the imposition of the proposition – assuming of course that the level of dementia in the bodily architecture is congruent with the dangers of misadventure.’
The Herr Professor Varietalisch recommended Viagra Super-Forte available only on prescription or from India.