The Slog investigates the sudden emergence and secretive power of the Nothing Group in world affairs

Yesterday, Western markets faltered because of Chinese woes. Today Chinese woes got worse, but Western market futures recovered. The POBC said there was nothing in the mysterious daily rallies in China’s markets, and Wall Street said nothing in China was guiding US markets.

As the EU refugee crisis worsened again, Brussels said nothing in this mass invasion attached blame to them, because they knew nothing, but there was nothing to worry about.

Agreeing with the EU verdict, Stratford Holdings’ contrarian CEO Will Shakespeare said “Not for nothing is there much ado about nothing”. And the widow of John Lennon Yoko Ono confirmed, “Nothing is real”.

Finally, at 12.30 BST today, Italy said nothing would stop it imposing identification checks at Brennero on the border with Austria after receiving a request from Germany for help in easing the flow of migrants into Bavaria. Tackled about the variance between this and Germany’s claim to be “setting a humanitarian example” on the refugee issue, Angela Merkel told a press conference, “There’s nothing in it”.

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You tread a dangerous path once you start investigating Nothing. It’s influence is everywhere to be seen, but nobody wants to talk about it….let alone go into details of any kind.

In the last 72 hours alone, Nothing has been seen behind the yo-yoing Shanghai index, and guiding US markets from a secret redoubt in China – one of its many bunkers. The European Commission has blamed Nothing for attaching blame to the slow EU response to refugees entering the Union. Said Jereboam Drivelbloke, “I know something of Nothing’s involvement in this, and believe me there is everything to worry about when it comes to Nothing. You should see the way they stroke white cats.”

Shakespeare and The Widow Ono are firm believers in Nothing. And seven thousand miles to the West of Java, Italy accused Nothing of sabotaging immigrant inflows – a claim backed up by none other than Good Queen Geli, the Belly in Berlin.

Some people engaged in nefarious financial activities stop at Nothing, but others go the whole hog. “They are like Nothing on Earth,” explained the scared CEO of one Italian company, “Next to nothing, the Mafia is like a Sunday School.”

But perhaps it is time for us all to wake up to one simple fact in all this mess: we have Nothing to lose.