This time, there are more than four riders

apocalypseThe folks at Zero Hedge (especially Mark J Grant) are now at the forefront of those convinced – as am I – that the days of madness are numbered. Nobody knows, of course, how many numbers are involved, whether we can trust the numbers, or even if they’re going forwards or backwards; but the point is, the future for globalist Friedmanism is now very obviously finite. Indeed what we have this still, hot July 16th 2013 is a surfeit of potential explosions to set off the chain reaction. It’s like facing Harold’s illegal accession to the English throne, Charles I dissolving Parliament, Jenkins having his ear cut off, the Sarajevo assassination, and the Nazi invasion of Poland all at once this weekend.

So in the light of this near-tumescent anticipation, The Slog this afternoon offers you clear guidance on the runners and riders in the Apocalypse Stakes, sponsored by Goldman Sachs, leveraged by the bookies at 98-1.

Deutsche Bank Doozie. 18-1 out of Merkel’s Madness & Schäuble’s Shitstorm. Punters learned five days ago that Deutsche Bank Stables has been hiding the real amount of risk that it has on its books. It has been given fancy names and put in different columns, but DB effectively has a balance sheet that looks as healthy as a terminal smoker’s lungs. Any one of at least a dozen ‘events’ could set if off on the rope-journey via bucket to Hell….so the odds on the nag may well shorten.

Ropey Rupee. 32-1 out of Loose Fiscal & Limp Liquidity. Heavy going for the currency has forced Delhi to help the rupee after its plunge to a record low at the first fence, raising two interest rates in a move that escalates a tightening in liquidity across most of the biggest emerging markets….including Brazil. An unpredictable nag fingered by The Slog last season as likely to upset the Zirp bollocks, Ropey Rupee could challenge hard for a place in the Apocalypse Stakes this year.

Spanish Badbank 25-1 out of Buggered Bailout & Not Much Rajoy. Suffering with a heavy jockey so far in the flatlining season, Spain’s bad bank Sareb has plans to unload 45,000 distressed properties in five years, over 7,500 of them in 2013. But the weight handicap is proving a problem, such that in the first half of this year, a grand total of 700 worthless haciendas were sold in a bid to once again become competitive. Punters see this horse as good each-way bet winner potential.

Fortune Cookie 1-2 out of Politburo Squabble and Bank Diarrhoea.  This nag’s Beijing-owned stable has seen some subpar performances so far, with both Services Sector and Solar Lightscrap running surprisingly unplaced. If it can drive Brussels Sprout into last place, then we could be in for some fireworks. Much fancied by many pro’s (with the exception of former Goldman Irish jockey Jim O’Neill) Fortune Cookie still looks like the clear favourite to this track observer.

Brussels Sprout 3-1 out of Delors Anass & Megalomario. Despite demands by British shareholders to disband Eurobollocks Inc and focus on its best runner German Mark, Eurobollocks continues to put forward glue factory candidates as runners for the big occasion. Hampered by the weight of Jockey Barry Rosso and the execrable poetry of trainer Hervanman Pompeii, Brussels Sprout nevertheless has a solid track record of snatching defeat from the wide-open gob of victory. Much fancied as the tailender by tipster Meryl Wall-Streep, this daft mare is the wild card in the Armageddon Stakes.

French Hollandaise 7-3 out of Cosy Psycho & Lax Lagarde. Oddly shaped nag with delusions of ordure, French Hollandaise has been rapidly moving up the rankings this year, despite revelations that the economy and fiscal management of its owners Marseillaise SA have been disappointing. Heavy money has been laid at short odds on this relaxed filly’s chances of streaking through the field and ruining all the best laid plans of everyone else…a tendency for which she has been renowned since 1940. A tendency to lush lunches may, however, spoil her chances.

Bernanke Beard 18-1 out of Raygun Debt & Greenspan Gargoyle. Although likely to fare well in the race, this infantile gelding (while definitely a prime prospect for the Armageddon Stakes a few years from now) is still maturing. Barack O’Drama is as yet not ready to screw up every sinew in a bid to emerge as the alltime great denialist champion jockey. Good each-way prospect for a placing, depending lush on the size of the field.

Carney Camerlot 11-2 out of Mad Handbag & Moral Tone. Very much an outsider, this horse could nevertheless contribute something significant to the final placings. Punching well above its weight in recent bank bailouts, although his best years are behind him Carney Camerlot’s near-suicidal tendencies might yet produce an upset. Heavy going at HBOS and RBS prepared this stallion for every possibility and no eventualities after 1979, but the worrying tendency of trainer Osborne Brittle to buy votes rather than proper hooves is always a worry. An outsider depending on who goes for broke first.

Earlier at The Slog: Why both major UK Parties have a fixed agenda for the NHS