Dear Chancellor

Harsh maybe, fair undoubtedly: you have thus far saved £18bn of government expenditure in over two years, but failed to (a) stop the debt rising and (b) rebalance the economy.

The word ‘rebalance’ there is a tad euphemistic, so let’s just recap the sad reality of Britain the trading nation over the last thirty years:

Britain has not enjoyed a trade surplus in goods since 1981….more than 30 years ago

This hopeless performance has been hidden by the quite remarkable ability of London’s investment banking bog paper peddlers to persuade foreigners that two sheets of Andrex might be worth £30billion. But those days are gone now – the news is out George: bog paper is full of sh*t. It’s meant to be full of sh*t. It’s what bog paper does. It’s flushed down the bog. We’re a busted flush mate.

Britain has been in overall current account deficit ever since the mid-1980s

Observe, Georgie-Peorgie de bum-bum: the trend continues. The UK goods trade deficit was £9.2bn in November – more than expected. To offset this, there was a £5.7bn surplus on services exports – less than expected. £5.7bn is smaller than £9.2bn, George: result – unhappiness.

And there’s more, George. Excluding oil and erratic items, the deficit on trade in goods was £22.3 billion in the three months to November. That deficit is only falling by 5.1% a quarter, George. It’ll be 2018 before, at this rate, we break even…even if you keep getting lucky, or fiddling the numbers, or whatever TF it is that you do all day between hookers and lines. But here’s the double-whammy, horribly ironic extra-fisting yard brush up the bumhole chum: the net total quarterly deficit is £10bn. Yes. Really. It’s getting worse, and so the debt’s getting bigger.

But the world’s heading into depression, and so by 2018, as things stand, the debt will be summink awful, George. Cross my heart and hope to die. I mean, you don’t even want to think about it buddy, although of course you must, as despite your utter incompetence, it is your job. So long story short and that, we’ll have gone broke by then, because interest rates won’t stay at zero. Really, George. You have to trust me: I know this kind of sh*t.

The only way we can win, dear George, is to get TFO of the EU now, dump that overhead – and toss the dice with one mega investment in selling I dunno diamond-studded platinum Purdeys or summat to China and India’s growing middle class. We may have to trample over dead Chinese workers to knock on their plutocratic doors George, we will have to rob our banks for the money, and we may even have to stop being such good friends with our special relatives over there in Cuckoo’s Nest 1. But it is the only hope we have, my little Exchequer-running startled rabbit. Here’s another factor:

Government spending in 2011-12 was £694.89bn – compared to £689.63bn in 2010-11

You got all that bleeding-heart liberal stuff from the fluffy press George, you pissed off all those educationalists and students, you got UNITE all wound up and yet you still have the Right on your back because you’re treading water. Bugger me if the bill isn’t getting bigger, I mean what is a chap to do?

What a fellow should do George is fire half of Whitehall, and sequester their illegally-approved pension emoluments. That would put us back on track to the tune of £1.35 trillion. Even better, rather than slowly reducing a debt, we’d be vapourising a fraudulent liability. Better still, there’d immediately be half as many screw-ups, because only half as many of those depraved intellectual dingos would be arsing about with train contracts and mail privatisations and other bollocks they don’t begin to understand.

However, you won’t do that…for the same reason the Greek pols won’t do that: because these slithering naysayers know about every last peccadillo, paedophile, payoff and perineum-licker, am I right? Of course I’m right.

But even if you did do something about Sir Humphrey, the debt will get bigger still, because the economy’s going down for the third time, and so the welfare bill will rise. And the eurozone collapse will swamp RBS and trust me, there aren’t enough scammable SMEs to pay that bill. That is gonna be one mother of a bill, Georgie. It’s gonna be a bill so big, it will be Portland f*cking bill, it will be Mayfair with ten hotels, it will be Bill the Chancellor-Impaling phallus with a ring of thorns round the bell-end careering through your brain from ear to ear Dealey Plaza action. You will be DOA.

Which is why I’d suggest you take this advice, stop being a trimming little Draper’s son, and shoot some craps in the big league. Stop putting out silly little distractions like £35m HBOS fraudsters being released on bail, and ordered to attend a hearing at Reading Magistrates Court. We don’t believe there’s any real justice out there going to get your lot, George; frankly, we don’t care any more. But if we go down this big my friend, two years from now you’ll be dressing up as Beardy Peace Camp Woman, and trying to slip through the security at Dover on a passport marked Gertrude Boot.

Think on it.


The Slog

Earlier at The Slog: Do The Bastards have Cameron surrounded?