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Little Green Woman Caroline Clueless informed the media yesterday of her intention to fashion a Cabinet made entirely from Little Green Women in an emergency move to deal with the end of the world which is expected sometime between four pm and half past sellby this Thursday.

Ms Clueless used the opportunity to launch her new fair trade zero preservatives slave-labour-free health drink, Lucazade. The correctly innovative bottle is shown below:

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“The packaging is plastic-free, being made entirely from triple-recycled double-glazed quadrophonic glass buffalo wind,” she claimed, “incorporating a unique propeller nozzle that sucks in carbon dioxide, rendering it harmless while adding a certain petillance to the drink which is an entirely unmanufactured lime juice flown in from Uruguay by solar-powered drones”.

The nozzle itself is multiply reusable as an eco-stimulant during narcolyptic discussions with world-leading climate expert Greta Thunderbird.

Clueless added that, in developing Lucazade, she had drawn extensively on her knowledge gained while completing a Masters in English Literature at Birkbeck College.

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In an unrelated move, Lord Fondlebum of Boy called for the abolition of Parliament, and its replacement by an image management company to be called Frankie goes to Westminster. 

“It is quite clear to me,” he told Sky anchor Adam Blobtonnage, “that the old thinking of homophobic heterosexuals and mysogynist anti-Semites must be tossed into the incinerator of liberty if we are to grasp the nettle of Brexit and pull it by the roots from the lush lawn of EU uphill gardening”.

“Is it true that you were caught stealing valuable rare artefacts from an Ulster Stately Home during the Good Friday talks?” asked Blobtonnage.

“Here you go again, dragging up old myths to smear me, the People’s Princess of Darkness…this is why we need a Chamber peopled by the great and good, unharrassed by the low life of the Fourth Estate….” concluded Lord Wanglesum.

Meanwhile, David Lammy was rushed to St Thomas’s Hospital after having an apoplectic fit about the fact that neither Caroline Clueless nor Lord Boyzone had made any mention of the seminal role played by Yardie Gangs to raise awareness of rising temperatures in Tottenham.

“My constituents have led the way in demonstrating how rasing buildings to the ground produces serious CO² pollution,” he yelled, “but where is the whitey gratitude for this? It is nowhere to be seen. Proof positive yet again that the White Autocracy wants to take all the credit for gobal warming.”

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I do not doubt that this post will brand me, by turns, mysogynist, anti-ecological, homophobic and racist.

I am none of those things.

I am merely sick to death of half-baked Identity Politics being used to disguise narcissistic demands, divisively destructive ideology, and ill-informed fear mongering.

The very thought that Lucas, Lammy and Mandelson have all been – at one time or another – elected to the national legislature makes me weep for a bygone age in which such zealots would’ve been laughed off the stage.