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Politically faultless accuratists should look away now.

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Although many feel the Third World War is imminent, tonight I can announce that the already 40 year-old First Word War shows no signs of abating. During those last four decades, ground has been lost on several important Fronts, most notably Peking, Calcutta, Nazi, Climate, liberal, feminist, black, Right, love, milkshake, Agreement, race, peace, equality, bobby, gender, science, news, abuse, Law and fake.

In a bid to achieve the Final Breakthrough, Rear Vice-General Gawdy Broadloom (Retd) of the 3rd Division Veterans’ New Labour Browns & Blairs regiment has launched an offensive to wipe out greatly feared Opposition terrorists, declaring that they should have their political donations scrutinised by the off-balance sheet public/private sector Quango, Firing Squad plc.

Remnants of the Free Speech Volunteers led by Mayor Janet Daley have been putting up stiff resistance, augmented of late by the Transexuals for Millwall FC irregulars, whose leader General Sir Lady Tamsin Robinet has declared, “Nobody loves us and we don’t f**kin’ care”.

Speaking from her redoubt inside Ten Downing Street, Mrs Curriculam Vitae aka The Resumé repeated her plea for MPs to unite under the banner of her New Deal. Her voice on earth Flat Hatcock declared than anyone unwilling to vote for the all-powerful Withdrawal Cap Itulation must be as mad as a hatter, as it laid out the total independence of England from Scotland, now clearly set out following a new round of 3 card brag in Brussels over the weekend.

CORRECTION: Mrs Vitae was thought to have said that she would be campaigning in the euro elections, but a Number Ten Spokescat later confirmed that she actually said she was going to go camping in the euro flesh zones with her new best friend Sir Dark Cesspit.

LATE FLASH: Following the Trump Administration’s condemnation of the 5G collation from the Chinese nation Who Are We, there has tonight been a confirmation from the Home Office that a senior Beijing diplomat Hoo Ham Hi has defected in favour of ordination in the British Telecom formation dancing team engaged in the installation of cyber demystification aerials designed to monitor gentrification, discrimination, implication, disinformation and cultural misappropiation throughout the UK.

Mr Jeremy Hunt said he looked forward to working on the project with our Japanese allies.

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