Anna Soubry in Wonderland, Brexit success in Exportland, Belgian hubris in Verhofrica, tidying up Table Mountain, Unionising Customs and Boris Johnson’s Indian Spring. There’s a travel theme to the Saturday Smile today – because clearly, Brexit does not begin at Home.
I begin today with the news that Anna Soubry – co-founder of an entirely tired and untested new political Movement – has been shocked to the core by the revelation that the European Union is not the Promised Land foreseen by Martin Luther King at all, but actually a global scam hatched by arch-villain Lex Luther in one of his more creatively uninventive moments during the late 1970s:
Taking time out from snapping Selfies with Chukka Umunna, Mrs Subaru told The Slog, “This is a picture of me giving good shock but not caring a flying fuck either way really, given that I want my Remainit, I do so – and I shall go to the Ball”.
Allegedly reformed sex pest Jeffrey Archer emailed me yesterday to ask if Ms Sue Brie wears socks in bed, as doing so is inclined to make toe-sucking somewhat cheesy. But as we went to press, the lady concerned (whom we cannot name for legal reasons) had not responded to our multivariate requests for clarification.
According to corporate training and leadership development firm, Vitalsmarts, a newly completed quantitative study contains the keys to corporate success:
“strong interpersonal skills combined with substantial contributions and caring about your organisation.”
Or put another way, conning your staff while loading the invoices and keeping your nose to the Chairman’s back passage.
Vitalsmarts omitted just one important factor: keeping in with the Finance Director by not paying vast fees to research companies in order to find out what everyone already knows.
Corporate advancement is basically about sins of omission and inflated commissions. But such is, of course, absolutely nothing to do with business success.
Over now to our Special roving-at-large Brussels pro-democracy editor Alastair Camp-Bellend for the latest news on how the European Union is quite obviously going from strength to strength:
Well yes, thank you Slog, you Little Englander Prince of Darkness scumfascist Son of Satan hahahahah only kidding, and tonight I can tell you that I have news direct from the horse’s arse that the EU plan to rope Africa into the European Union is really going well under the auspices of renowned philanthropist and utility carpetbag carrier Guy Verhofstadt:
Here we see Our Guy comparing his democratic ambitions to those of China, while launching an accord based on a modest suggestion that the goal of the project should be the establishment of the Federal State of Verhofrica.
Yes, proclaims the irredeemibly irrepressible and unaccountably irresponsible Guy, we can indeed put a thousand years of tribal fighting, colonial devastation and revolutionary Swiss bank accounts behind us, and move swiftly on to the federal future all Africans will desire once we have told them how much they desire it.
PS note the natty headgear of his two assistants.
The latest digital pigeon through our Everest double-glazed window on the World here from The Indecisive newspaper suggests that hardline Brexiteers are finally getting behind the Prime Minister. Having been briefly behind Mrs May with the idea of pushing her off the cliff of betrayal onto the rocks of loyalty below, the Indie says the idea now is to circle the wagons around the Treasonous One, in order to save the Tory tribe from General Jeremy Custer’s Union soldiers taking No Deal off the table and replacing it with the Trojan Horse of a Customs Union.
This is quite straightforward as a tactical maneouvre, and can be clarified as follows. If somebody comes up with a Bum Deal worse than No Deal, then one will obviously want to take a Bum Deal off the table and replace it with No Deal, but then that leaves no deals at all on the table and so as anything is better than nothing one might as well table a Bum Deal rather than leave room for a Customs Union. It doesn’t matter whether reverting to Remain leaves remain on the table in a way that may well be better for Britain, and by remaining in place on the table also means there’s no room for a Customs Union: we voted to leave the Customs Union and so that is a red line that must stay on the table, so the Tory rebels may well now support the Bum Deal they said a year ago would always be worse than No Deal because if we put a Trojan horse on the table then where is the toast, butter and jam going to go?
In a similar vein, Labour Shadow Foreign Secretary Verily Huckleberry pointed out that staying in a Customs Union with the European Union “does not in any way betray those who got it wrong in June 2016”. Talking to Sly News anchor Hurley Burley, Our Verily said:
“We in the Labour Party believe that being in a Customs Union is core to the sort of Europe that everyone except Nigel Farage, dingbats, scum, cockroaches, Nazis and fanatical democrats want Europe to be. We have shared our hundreds of customs for centuries, and will continue to do so.
“We British send our hooligans to Spain on holiday every year and to the Euros every four years, while traditionally the Germans gave us Sauerkraut, and the French all that shit wine they didn’t want themselves. So we wholeheartedly support expanding this exchange of customs to embrace Gilets Jaunes riots in our streets, bullfighting in Birmingham Town Centre, Morris Dancers dressed in Läderhosen, and al fresco Bunga-bunga orgies on Westminster Green.”
Earlier this week, Merrily Thorndyke said that she would “rather die than leave the Labour Party”. This may turn out to be more of a prediction made just before the Battle of the Alamo rather than a vague profession of faith.
Either way, there are many in both Old and New Labour who would mutter, on hearing her declare such loyalties, how there are times when treachery can be of enormous value.
Given a majority in Islington South of 63 squillion, she can safely ignore Real Britons for some time yet, as none of them live in Islington.
Did you hear about the keen Amdram poet from Wimbledon who walked onto the stage and asked, “Anyone for Tennyson?”
Just as Nigel Farage fifteen months ago focussed single-mindedly on making money in Australia (as opposed to leading the UK charge outside Parliament against Brexit betrayal by a Remainer Cabinet) so now Leave “leader” Boris Johnson stays close to the Eleventh-hour action inside Parliament by taking a short hop to New Delhi….in order to describe neoliberal CIA-complicit fruitloop Indian Prime Minister Narendra Modi as a “firecracker”, and a “political phenomenon”.
I have but two doubts about Mr Johnson: his ethics, and his “Brexiteer” credentials. When it comes to morals inside the cockpit that is Westminster, BoJo stands out as something of a knotweed in an onion patch. But as Brexit crashes out of existence, he strikes me as a petunia that is noticeably absent from the barricades.
Enjoy the rest of your Saturday.
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