Here at Channel Slog, we have scored a major coup by gaining exclusive access to the strategic thinking behind yesterday’s bravely illogical (and fiscally scatological) National Lottery speech in Parliament…..outlined by none other than the Chancellor of the Ex-Chequers Plan, Mr Philanthrope Hamfist.
…..House of Commons. I think most observers in the media and money behind the Conservative Party agree that my address to honourable members was a masterclass in how to poach a chicken about to be roasted by any attempt to leave the European Salvation Army without permission.
It has been a difficult time for all of you over the last eight years, although not of course for the FTSE index which has soft-shuffled up from 5,000 to 8,000 – thus allowing the thoughtful, sturdy yeoman Tories among you to overcome this period of austerity in the best British manner. Under Conservative stewardship, British manufacturing has cut a larger slice of the world export market by cutting its share of GDP, while the City – the Jewel in this, Our Happy Greed – has created more wealth for fewer people than ever before in our illustrious history of economic efficiency.
But ours is a Government for all the People that matter, rather than just a few layabouts and other n’eredowells driving up taxes when they should be driving Uber taxis. And so now is the time to signal the virtue that has been involved in this difficult task, especially ours.
Thanks to an entirely unforeseeable clerical error in last year’s forecasting designed to demonstrate the disaster that may well yet accrue from our regrettable decision to leave the EU, we appear to have twenty odd billion quid more than we expected. But while I may be very shrewd as a Chancellor, I am no Scrooge, ho ho ho ho ho. And so as our gift to you in return for Labour landing us all in a Crash ten years ago, we are going to put some things right which, I must now honestly admit, perhaps a few of our erstwhile – nay, even current – colleagues fucked up rather badly.
First of all, we’re going to give two billion Pounds to Scotland as a bri, sorry, bonus to help them decide not to leave the UK and give right-minded Conservatives up there something to say when the next election comes round. It has been a long and hard road since Bannockburn, but now I think it is time for our two great nations to bury the hatchet in Nicolas Burgeon’s forehead.
Second, we’re going to put a whopping twelve billion into the NHS, but not just let it all go to waste in salaries, PFI debt, defining and hiring sighted cleaners. Oh no, not this time. Those days are over, oh yes. So we’re going to ask hospitals to give us a Five Year Plan to show how more patients than ever can be spared the risk of a stay in hospital, and the pathway from disease to death can be turned into a more efficient process of freeing up beds for urgent cases involving Islamophobic violence and gender reidentification procedures.
In particular, it has become obvious that this House – and many political activists beyond its glass plated galleries and steel-reinforced barriers – have been put under the kind of strain that has led to obvious cases of mental illness. Accordingly, 37p a week will be put into a national fund to study the cause and effect of human suffering as typified by Baron Admonish, Doris Jobsdone, Jeremy Taiping-Errah and other former high-flying luna, sorry luminaries.
I now turn to the matter on all our minds, the sorry shambles that is Brexit in which Mrs May, Mr Shunt and Mr Johnson have done their very best but alas delivered unto us something of a pig’s ear which I do not wish to poach because it had nothing to do with me ha ha ha ha hah.
It is my sad duty to tell you now that, if we leave our Brussels colleagues in the lurch as a result of appeasing a lot of uppity racists, lazy workers and Russian spies, we shall have only ourselves to blame for any entirely understandable revenge that lands upon these shores. I refer of course to the €36 billion worth of promises contingent on getting a deal, which we have failed to get and so we must forfeit the sum in full. I refer members to the mathematical and legal skills of the MP for Stoke Newington, Ms Dire Abacus, for a fuller explanation of our responsibilities.
So great is the damage that such an enormous sum will do to the survival of humanity in Great Britain, I feel it my duty to splurge twenty billion quid on putting the survival of the Conservative Party first, it being the only truly nationally representative and reasonable Party utterly loyal to our American colleagues and their military experts dissuading the forces of Mr Rasputin from invading Wales in a surprise attack next week. I can say no more, for my lips are sealed.
Finally, I must record with distaste the regrettable mob outrage that occurred in the public gallery of the House yesterday. For this the Mother of all Parliaments to be treated to such a display from mothers who should know better than to ask for money from me is a stain on our national reputation. What an appalling example they set to our young people who have never the opportunities they had, and if we have anything to do with it, never will.
Your man on the Bridge steering HMS Britain safely back into the Port of Brussels,