mesmile The Spectator transmitted a podcast today about vegan bondage and ethical porn. I decided not to listen in on the grounds of being busy aggregating the entire reference numbers of my CD collection.

I was in turn far too swamped with the task of counting the nasal hairs of DUP leader Nigel Dodds to take in anything that Theresa May said about transition extensions, Chequers corpses coming to life, or Irish wicket-keepers.

You see, the trouble is that the extension of a transition is roughly equal to one quarter of the Brexit of a sovereign….all other things being equal. And on the other hand, reaching transition agreements about extensions do tend to extend into something approaching infinity, which is not a good look if one’s deadline for said transition is March 2019.

Several Slog sources in the eurozone are in a state close to panic about the idea of Chequers Zombies roaming EU capitals in search of post-flatline resuscitation. Finnish Minister for Dishwashers Kakku Mäkinen told us this afternoon, “We are having enough of the troubles involving women dressed like letter-boxes without all these living deaded people demanding access to life on the National Health”.

But while talking up the living Chequers dead, British Prime Sinister Theresa Mayniac has been playing down transition extensions by telling Sky News that it’s “only an option rather than any kind of open-ended way to keep us in the EU until such time as a British government emerges to beg for forgiveness, good gracious me no, that isn’t in any of our minds at all”.

As if determined to bluster its way onto the stage of this farce, the ratings agency S&P this afternoon issued a press release asserting that ‘ECB rate tightening could further stem capital flows To emerging markets”. In other news, Kim Jong Un categorically insisted that the sun will rise tomorrow and produce an increase in Earthly light, while Greek fisherman Yannis Ichthuspoparanis told anxious news men on the Mani coast that he had full confidence in the likelihood of a fucking big hole in his boat causing it to sink.

And finally, it’s official: mad cow disease is back. In Aberdeenshire, to be vaguely precise. Said dairy farmer Angus Mcweedram, “Yi haffty blame tha Anglish fer thas, electing that mad cow ter be Prime Manasta an then lattin hair cam ap heyyeh and infect oor coos”.

Downing Street gave a robust response, pointing out that in fact English voters had never elected Theresa May Conservative leader, nor indeed voted to give her Government a majority. The press release further pointed out that Mrs May has been fully examined and was found to have been a mad cow since birth. “Such a condition,” the release continued, “is not infectious”.

This was a rare case of Truth emerging from the Cabinet Office.