mesmileThe unnaturally weird form of EU behaviour in Salzburg this week exceeded anything that even surreal parody could dream up. The moment when the sheer weight of brass in every Brussels neck became too funny to be fascist was when they advocated direct interference in the constitutional affairs of a Member State by asking uninanimously for a Second Referendum on Brexit in the UK….this just a week after condemning Orban’s Hungary for “declining democratic values”. And so once again (as happens with me most weeks) I have to laugh and lampoon. Anything else is bad for my health, and deadly to what still remains of a sense of satirical humour in the West.

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And so tonightI am going to be Marc Antony from the riotously comic farce by Willy Shake-a-spear, Ludicrus Appeasar.

Greek friends, Romans and Hungarians, lend me your ears. For mine are worn out from the timpanic membrane-shattering amps of that renowned Belgian Boy Band, The Berghofstadt Guys. 

I come to bury these cacophonous cowboys, not to praise the bum notes and screeching lyrics of their siren call…such being audible only to the hearing apparatus of the depraved neoliberal, Globalum Greedigutus, and the gullibly deranged British Centurian, Corbynicus of Blairinicum, or whatever the bugger’s name is.

The evil these Boys from Belgium do will live long after their albums are Remaindeered by Amazonias….even though the vocals of androgonously ethereal lead singer and sausage addict Geli Miraklium will be a mercifully distant memory; the obscene lyrics of Guy Dummkopfius on foghorn, the jarring horizontal harmonies of Jean-Claudius Drunkonium on the Sauce, the bass notes of Emma ‘Bomber’ Macroniat and the puerile percussion of Mickus-Tickus Barnieriam on drums…..all these will fade into the footnotes of history.

But no good will be interred with their bones, for nothing good ever came of anything these useless fuckers did.

The noble Boris of Britannia insists that Tearusapartus Maytoriscum is ambitious, but hath he too not brought many Russian captives home, the better to enable our legions to fall upon the renegade Putinus Assadindigestium?

O Judgement! Thou art fled to Brussels Beasts, and all men have lost their reason, most notably the Senator from Cyprus, Baronicus Adnauseam.

Bear with me – our money’s in the coffin with Goldmarius Draghisacs –

And we must pause till it come back to us.

But what is this coinage that must return?

Why – it is none other than Free Speech. For this too has gone, in the wake of new EU laws on internet behaviour….which demands a tax on links from one internet post to another.

Now we must pay to speak freely, under Our Glorious European Union. The one supported by those paragons of Free Speech, The Labour Party, the Tory Party, The Independent, The Guardian, The New York Times, The Washington Post, the Republican Party, the Democratic Party and the Scottish Nationalist Party.

Thank you and goodnight.