GUARDIAN & INDEPENDENT ORDERED TO RATION USE OF ALASCARE STORIES AS CAMPBELL DECLARED ‘CLOSE TO BREAKDOWN’
Alastair Campbell – the sole owner of Alascare Unlimited – is today confirmed as having gone away to lie down somewhere quiet, after Belgian doctors declared his latest crop of bollocks to be “unfit for consumption by anyone with a functioning left-brain”.
And in a closely related development, the Brexit instant quicksand product (left) marketed jointly by Lynton Enterprises and the pro-EU group Progress last night admitted to The Slog that its supplier in Frankfurt, Draghi Doom Incorporated, was now running dangerously low on the horseshitspin formula required for its production. Lynton Executive Marketing Director Tony Blair told us, “We are now in an emergency situation, and the media defending our national health must develop a rationing strategy in the spin-space or we will run out – at which point anything could happen – perhaps even complete Sovereign Brexit which is of course too horrible to contemplate, and almost certain to lead to Super-VD, shoot-to-kill policies against Scottish people and perfectly innocent war criminals being brought to trial. It really is time for us to examine whether uneducated old people who went to school under New Labour can be trusted to use democracy carefully”.
Across the UK, Stalinist libertarian group Momentum has launched a national appeal for all lovers of idealistic EU anti-hate freedom practices to grow their own alternatives to Alascare.
“There’s nothing to it,” admitted Corbyn loyalist and leading radical lesbian Bollockshevik Winnie Manfella, “all you need is a serious pathological disorder and a ready supply of methylated spirits.”
Comforting Alastair Campbell in his hideaway is the Red Army’s only gay Kommissar Owen Toillhealthcangwillygongoth. Owen has made a separate appeal for replenishment of his increasingly dwindling supplies of butch Red Star anti-Nazi tank commanders from 1941, where the colourful Mancunian Welsh Imp spent his school holidays last year.
“But surely Alastair’s just another Blairite traitor,” suggested old Corbyn flame Diane Abacus.
“Well yes dear” said Jones the Boyo, “but I’ve always been one for a camp bellend”.