Two things above all are slowing down the progress of Brexit: one is that those trying to derail it at every opportunity don’t know what they’re talking about, and will invent any old tosh to try and blind us with cod science; and the other is that – being desperate – the Brussels EC negotiators try to confuse both the public and the media about who’s delaying things and what exactly is being proposed. The Slog offers a unique linguistic solution.
For the British side at the moment, the process is akin to a resident in a house on fire, trying to escape by unlocking the exit door with a blade of grass.
But today I offer an ingenious solution: if our opponents don’t know what they’re talking about, just think how much better it would be if they didn’t know what we’re talking about either. This might sound on first hearing like pointless tit for tat; but as I shall endeavour to demonstrate, it represents a cunning plan.
The tactics being used by the Sprouts are an attempt (as I predicted) at turning Brexit into Greece II: “give them lots of homework to do while we embark on spoilers and dirty tricks to close down the alternatives”. But to give them a taste of their own medicine would give Britain the upper hand. For while they’re trying to make sense of what we’re on about, more power and funds could be given to Liam Fox & Co to start making trade arrangements, on the grounds that come what may after March 2019, we would be free to sign on the dotted line of trade deals being negotiated now. One might even say “come the demise of May”, but let’s keep this simple for the time being.
Yes, I know that’s not in the spirit of the “negotiations”: but you have me confused with someone who gives a shit.
My plan is to introduce a new form of spin-speak as follows. You almost certainly won’t have noticed this, but an awful lot of the words, terms and issues used during social media chatter, Parliamentary maneouvres and Brexit negotiations begin with ‘int’: interdependence, international, interim, interpretation…..the list runs to 2,796 words.
Replacing the ‘int’ prefix with ‘unt’ has a satisfyingly confusing effect on things.
Stage 1: Social & political debate in the UK
There follows a representative sample of remoaner remaindeer risibility:
I thought we might start at the bottom of the barrel with this one, because in theory the only way is up. But you never know with those who proudly put up front their desire to sabotage democracy.
The problem with starting at the bottom is that one doesn’t know where to start, as such. Clearly, Sarah has developed a crush on Italy that borders on obsession. She doesn’t tell us the time period during which she’s made 20 visits to the country, but clearly she likes the Italian lifestyle. I like Italy myself. It’s just that I know two things for sure about Italy.
First, it isn’t going anywhere fast. Venice may be sinking, but as far as I know the Boot is not drifting eastwards in order to cuddle up to Greece. After March 2019, Sarah can become an Italian resident or just keep risking her life by booking Alitalia flights: nobody is going to stop her. Indeed, she herself avers, ‘ain’t nobody taking this away from me without a fight’, and I more than agree with her…um, nobody is going to take it away from her with or without a fight.
Second, Italy wants out of the eurozone, and we could well see Italexit within two years of Brexit if the EC continues to go in search of serial cockup politics. So if part of Italy’s appeal to Sarah is that it’s in the EU, there could be a snag in the entirely laudable desire she has to be shagged stupid by Italy.
You see, Sarah is suffering from Tertiary Clueless Syndrome, and it isn’t going to help matters by simply telling her this, because she’s obviously having enough trouble as it is mastering the Sky Earth Locomotion thing.
I would simply come to her aid by tweeting:
‘I think you’ve unterrogated this subject which may well make your tweet unteresting’
Still way down below the S-Bend is this cracker from a bloke who is fretting quite a bit, and probably feels frettened too:
I think Darren went into catatonic suspended animation the day that David Cameron said, with one hand behind his back and through gritted teeth, that there was going to be a Referendum. Because clearly he’s missed most of the events since. Among these, I would include the result, Cameron’s resignation, two years of Europhiles clinging onto the door jambs by their Nosforatu nails, 47 different scams designed to get a second Referendum, Baron Adontwonoughts tweeting himself blind, the Withdrawal Act, and the Great FSFA March on London via Enkhuisen.
“Why not just stay in the EU?” Because we voted to Leave, Darren dear. The muddled nature of those with no idea whatTF they’re talking about is confirmed in the case of this gentleman because he wants to both Stop Brexit (arrived at by a vote of the People) but has signed a petition to get a People’s Vote. To, er, one assumes, reverse the first vote by the People. Which Darren missed because of his unfortunate brush with reality in 2015.
In New Spinspeak, my tweet to Darren Fretwell would be:
“I’m sorry to hear of your unterrupted untegration with the news media, which I suspect was excerbated by unterference caused by having an untelligence quotient of minus 130”
Within the Remaindeer herd, there exists a very clear subgroup who simply regurgitate whatever the Brussels SS comes up with. The SS stands for Serial Scaremongering by the way, although the original Schütsstaffel label suits The Boys from Belgium equally well.
Ardent followers of Michel Barmier and his amazing ticking clock, the SS are sometimes stupid, sometimes Scottish, sometimes PR whores, and quite often all three. This week’s top retweet for the SS was “slow rate of Brexit all down to split Cabinet”. Here’s an example of the Scottish McBollocks clan:
They’re right, of course. We have two big Parties both split in the UK because in each one, enormous numbers of fanatics and gravy-trainers are throwing themselves under the delayed June 2016 departure of the Brexit express. Would Haggis prefer it, then, if the May Cabinet was purged entirely of Remainiacs? I know I would. As he’s sporting a Union Jack, this suggests he’s not booked his package on the Scottish Ark bound for Brussels, so presumably he wouldn’t mind of all the SNP plotters were rounded up and put in an internment camp in Walsall.
As for Juncker’s latest jumble of slurred duplishity, he too should keep up with events taking place while he enjoys a breakfast of Eggs and Remy Martin flambé. There is a Withdrawal Act, Mrs Mountbatten has signed it off, and the split Cabinet is not doing the negotiating. Meanwhile, a good riposte to Haggis might be:
“In the light of your untermittent loyalty to both British Crown and Belgian Clowns, it might be you need an unterval in which to ponder whether foreign untervention and Buckingham Palace unterpretation are entirely compatible.
As most of you now know, Nina Shick the lady with dual nationalities neither of which say “British” is in the SS because the money’s good. The oldest profession has been given many euphemistic titles of the years. Suffice to say that there is a red light in Nina’s head when it comes to stopping Brexit. And of course, Brexit is powered entirely by Nazis:
Now, Nina is a tricky case in that she has already adopted her own Spinspeak, and thus represents a double whammy: not only does she not know what she’s talking about, half the time we don’t either. Having followed her for years, it’s obvious that her English, while not really broken, is nevertheless severely sprained.
Nina seems to have missed the current 2% poll rating for UKIP, but nevertheless can’t resist the usual hard-right smear followed by the expectation that the Party will deband. I think she means disband. Either way, free speech and democracy is indeed under threat in Britain….largely from pc babes like her. Even in its current dilapidated state, however, our democracy is far more liberal, accountable and fair than the European Commission, the European Central Bank, The European Military Empire of Federica Mogherini and the Troika running the EU vassal State of Greece.
But thanks to the BBC, Nina is on the telly a lot, spouting non-stop propaganda about a culture she doesn’t even begin to understand. For money. So my ideal Schicktweet riposte her would be:
‘Never be untimate when you are considering sexual untercourse for money. And try to restrict the number of untentional unterview howlers you come out with. Otherwise, even the untellectuals in the electorate might assume you’re an Üntermensch’
Stage 2: At the negotiating table
Once again here, the trick is to turn the tables. Brussels, for example, has never taken a blind bit of interest in the island of Ireland….aside from one outrageous attempt twenty years ago to stuff Guinness in favour of German Dunkelbier. Now suddenly – because the North/South border is a delicate subject in British politics, Michel Barnier is rapidly turning into a plastic Paddy….and the Irish Taoiseach (he a mincing exhibitionist currying favour with the Sprouts) is lapping up the sudden international attention he’s had.
But the border the EC doesn’t want to talk about at all is the one between England and Scotland. Imagine what fun we could have tying Brussels in knots on the Hadrian’s Wall Issue.
In summary, the SNP is rabidly pro-EU but can’t quite manage to persuade its fellow Scots to vote for independence from London. This is because the majority of Scots are not mad, or silly actors with a shibilant problem who flounshe around in kiltsh when the moods takesh them, Mish Moneypenny. The problem for the SNP is also that the EU won’t touch Scotland with a bargepole, because it has worked out that – apart from whisky, football managers and comics – its economy doesn’t produce much of any value.
All that’s required is for David Davis, next time he meets the Belgian Bullies, to open the session (with a straight face) along these lines:
“Due to the unterchangeable nature of Caledonian and Anglo-Saxon untercultural mores alongside long-standing unterprovincial asides about Jocks and Sassenachs, it is the British Government’s view that there should be an unterconnected referendum in Scotland in which two unterrelated questions will be asked: first, do you want to be undependent from Westminster?; and second, do you want to be untensively linked to Belgian rule, given that the Belgians are also unnately not to say bizarrely obsessed with wearing nothing unter their kilts?”
As the European Commission team sat staring at Mr Davis, he could also add this for good measure:
“In order that everything should be seen unternationally as quite clearly above board – and not the British side being untransigent – our suggestion is that an untercontinental unterface should be arranged – to include, say, Russia, China, the United States, Argentuna and Uzbekistan – with the task of unterpolating the results, while strict standards of electoral unterpersonal voting ID would be monitored by Unterpol”
It seems to me that (in order to hide their embarrassment about not understanding our banter) the EC boys would ask for time to consider the proposals. Of course – Davis would agree – we have no desire to rush you….but do bear in mind that the clock is ticking.
The May spin machine would then bombard the world’s media with press leaks along these lines:
“We are trying our hardest here to allow a nation clearly in love with the EU the right to self-determination, but we simply cannot work with a “Union” is hopelessly split on the questions of migration, hard or soft borders, the single currency and austerity.”
By the time all the yellow stars on the bright blue background have finished arguing about all that stuff, the UK will have stitched up and signed up for tailored free trade deals with every member of the Russian Federation, Australia, New Zealand, Canada, Trumpania, the Union of South American nations and the Visegrad Group.
Meanwhile, the Commission in Brussels will still be wrestling with the problems presented by Greece, Spain, Italy, French deficits, and the problem of African immigration.
One might indeed say that this will be the preface to the disuntegration of the Great European Project.