me11117(2) Chinese leader Xin Xiaping is going to become Führer for Life in the reformed, more democratic People’s Republic of China. Mr Xin will seek the advice of North Korea’s beloved leader Kim Jong Un as to how this latest step towards citizen liberty might be transformed further into a post-modernist model whereby succession to the centre of power uses the more reliable DNA factor for guidance.

Further down the line, I understand, it is his intention to confer with the Dali Lama about using reincarnation as an insurance policy. It’s good to see former rogue Asian nations leading the world in the appliance of science to the increasingly complex task of ordering people about.

In a coordinated action in solidarity with the Kurds’ demo in Manchester, the People’s Front for the Liberation of Late Virgin Passengers has hijacked the 37a bus from Qamishli to Al Hasakah in SE Turkey, and demanded it be flown to Disneyland. Those on the bus are reported to be ecstatic.

As regards the action at Manchester Piccadilly, Sir Bitchard Ransome has just released this statement: “I’d like to assure all Virgin Train inmates that today’s protests will make no noticeable difference whatsoever to our services”.

This being Mothers’ Day, The wholly owned subsidiary of Slog Media Services Image Twister Ink is to start referring to Whitehall & Westminster officials as Motherf**kers. “At a time when all right-thinking and decent citizens are celebrating the selfless commitment of mums to their kids in order to ensure that they grow up committed to honourable causes eg Infants for Antifa, we are insulted to the point of genital mutilation by the crypto-fascist attempts of the Tory cabal to starve grannies to death and then sell them as tinned Poule au Pot to inbred aristocrats too busy shooting harmless Grouse to care about the plight of hardworking ordinary families in Iabatonia,” asserted Group Account Director Ho Chime Tim on The Marr Show.

Radical sole village Gay Owen Jones continues to deny rumours that he has fallen hopelessly in love with millionaire Trotskyist Jon Lansman.

“These disgusting rumour smears from the Tsarist Tory press must be smashed,” said Labour’s enfant horrible on the prestigious Venezuela Today channel. But – unable to help himself in the face of anterior lust – in a tweet today he wrote that ‘Mansman, someone who has done so much to revive the left as a political force, has an important role in the months and years ahead in the fight for socialism in Britain…and I propose to let his end be justified by all the means at my disposal”.

Need I say more? Perhaps we should now draw a discreet veil over this regrettable development.

CleggknightedInterviewed after bestowing a knighthood upon former Risible Lemoncrat Rick Smegg, Karl Batternberg von Windsor admitted that he had felt “the hand of God” upon his sword.

“Do you know,” he told Palace Correspondent Arsene Lic, “I suddenly heard this, you know, celestial voice saying ‘Off with his head’, and by jove I really had to control myself for a second there. He is a perfectly ghastly little toad, but luckily Mama’s words – “Just get on with it and think of England” – came back to me, and so I did my duty but you know if that’s the way it’s going to be you can jolly well count me out”.

Former Queensland boxing judge Bruce Towel told the Sun’s Mackenzie Sacavin, “I’d be more than happy to count the silly old Saxe-Coburg pillock out”.

And finally, during a protest tonight in Cambridge about ‘Violence Against Women’ , Lucy Brown who was there reports that the participants “told a man to fuck off who was trying to have a drink with friends in the Market Square”.

Fight fire with fire and violence with violence….it’s the only way to achieve social stability and World Peace. Issobvyuss innit?

The explosive diary of Mr Jacob Fleece-Mob