The man who would be king has once more confounded his critics by delivering the sort of negotiation breakthrough that has diplomats either side of the Channel tumescent with expectation for a swift conclusion to the UK/EU divorce saga.
With one mighty bound this afternoon, Foreign Secretary Boris Johnson took a lead boot to the Brexit deadlock, kicking it firmly into the lake of greed as he stormed to victory up the mount of British glory via the foothills of previous failure.
Arriving unannounced in Brussels, former property developer, London bike, emissions expert and firm hand on the Met Police tiller Johnson swept into Rue Archemède 69 in search of Greek fellatio, only to discover it was an Italian restaurant called Barbenara. Undeterred (at least, I think that’s what my source said) BoJo commandeered the eaterie and sent a group text to the 57 UK journalists based in the city:
‘buckshee fizz at Barbenara today, tally-ho chaps, Boris’
Addressing what proved to be the subsequent audience of 125 scriveners, Mr Johnson spoke without notes or logic for nearly forty minutes.
” Thank you for coming here today,” he began, “if you need a top-up of tipple just click your fingers at Luigi over there and he’ll sort you out. Now, I summoned you to hear a dramatic piece of news that’s going to knock every other story on the planet for six and it’s this: I have personally settled the Brexit deal with one swift negotiating leap….a giant leap for meandermankind – a leap that leaves the circle of this tedious negotiation squared beyond recognition with everyone jolly happy on all sides of the, ah, square, as it were.
“You will all be aware of the main sticking points in this deadly minefield of diplomacy. I would summarise them as first, the desire of EU officials to keep all borders open, thus allowing the free flow of Islamics, rapists, ordinary hard-working families, malingerers and other assorted n’e’r-do-wells to trample all over England’s green and pleasant land – which of course we must preserve in order that houses can be built upon it.
“Second, there is the question of money Britain allegedly owes the EU above and beyond those sums already committed for the building of motorways that go nowhere, bribing Italian politicians, subbing Spanish cajas and hiring hitmen to dissuade a lot of busybody auditors from bothering Signor Draghi about where all the Greek bailout interest went.
“These monies – the so-called “divorce setlement” – are of course urgently required to stop the good ship Eutanic from sinking under its own weight by next Thursday, and we in booming Britain understand that. We are not without compassion on the subject….as I shall explain.
“Third, we must be careful not to destabilise the all-important process of financialising capitalism to enrich those worthy of such hard-earned privilege. The tricky part here, it seems to me – and do bear in mind, I have an Oxbridge degree in ancient Greek and an IQ score off the Harvard scale – is to keep the trains running and well supplied with the new post-oil fuel of choice, gravy. Just as the hard pushed German Chancellor Ingomar Merkenicht is worried about Frankfurt (and the Parisian financial district is not called La Défense for nothing) we here in Britain are also very wallet-worried these days.
“Last but not entirely least, we must address the question of the European Court of Human Rights. We have an unknown number of Jihadi, IRA, UVF, SNP, CIA, MI5, Antifa, Momentum, HSBC, Stonewall, DontSupportHate, HMRC, Blairite and vegan residents in the United Kingdom. Like it or not, their minority rights must be taken into account….and it is clear to us that they are all uncomfortable about the idea of losing the EUCHR as a reliable source of useful idiots, should all else fail in stopping their deportation.
“And so, gentlemen of the press…and hohoho all you little ladies too, these are the divisive dimensions with which my understandably inferior colleagues have been strugglng: housing, terrorism, divorce, destitute bureaucrats, dodgy money, freedom to migrate, and human rights.
“I believe it was the American comic philosopher Leonard Bruce who remarked that the four basic human needs are food, shelter, pussy and weird pussy. I can aver from my own life experiences at Eton and in the Conservative Party that he was absolutely spot on, as indeed can my good lady wife on account of her extensive research carried out in the environs of Waterloo station.
“Now, while housing and destitution cover the first two elements in Mr Bruce’s analysis admirably, at first sight one could be forgiven for asking where the pussy element resides in Brexit: for such is, self-evidently, a human right between consenting um adults, depending on your definition thereof. However, while the sex-it in Brexit may be hidden to the naked eye, to those of us blessed with an eye ever open to the main chance, its presence is all too obvious.
“First up do you see, the search for alternative and weird pussy often involves handing over copious amounts of dodgy money to potential donors, and almost always leads to divorce when discovered by third parties. Such marital break-up is, in turn, a major cause of the need to build more houses.
“Second, terrorists – who pretty much to a man disapprove of weird pussy – tend nevertheless to use it in order to blackmail or behead those who indulge in the practice. Thus, the human rights of some to invade unsuitable orifices with unexpected appendages, engage in strapadictomy or offer the stimulation of intimate lingua franca must be protected. I’m sure all of you here present are aware of the decision earlier this week by the Canadian supreme court, for example, to legalise sex with Moose, Caribou or indeed any living being to the north of arachnoids. This might help explain why it took the European Union seven years to organise a trade deal with our Canadian cousins, I couldn’t possible comment.
“But enough foreplay: here is the giant leap. My proposal is that we take all alimony dosh off the table, it being an unnecessarily corrosive and corrupting influence upon the proceedings. It will be replaced by an incredibly generous offer from the UK to our European ex-partners based on people, not filthy lucre. It will involve uthe UK in untold initial expense, but we are quite prepared to swallow that as a means of breaking the deadlock.
“I am talking about a mass exchange of prisoners. What we have here in our sceptred isle is lots of sicko pervy LGBT pink-oboe players, assorted Blairite psychos, closet Jock lesbians, murderous religious fanatics and Momentum commies all with the same unquenchable thirst for life in the European Union under the benevolent protection of the EUCHR.
“My proposal is that, between now and March 2019, British borders will be unequivocally wide open to the migration of all those British citizens and migrants enumerated above to the EU in general, and especially those lucky 19 European States benefiting from membership of the euro currency area.
“In turn, the British Government’s quid pro quo is that there will be no restrictions whatsoever on the immigration into the UK of all those EU citizens who would like nothing better than to escape the protection and benefits of the Union in which they currently reside.
“My calculations – roughed out in great detail on the back of a packet of Marlboro Lights this morning – suggest that Great Britain will see a level of immigration five times larger than the emigration. I think I can state without fear of contradiction, however, that both sides will benefit from the exchange. And as that great British philosopher Jeremy Bentham would surely have remarked, ‘This must needs result in a far greater happiness and fulfilment of the greatest number than existed before’.
“As is my habit in such matters, I have naturally failed to discuss any of this with my Cabinet colleagues, whose spineless dithering would only dilute the genius of my solution.
“And so my fellow hacks, it remains only for the maitre d’ Guiseppe to take your orders. Let the shagging commence.”
John….. kick – back Sunday reading
https://wolfstreet.com/2017/10/25/the-eu-just-did-the-big-banks-a-massive-favor/
LikeLike
John
I viewed the bomb that fell on (BBC): Martindale road in the blitz ,a second time.
Sure enough stuff got in there! ( a very quick mention though).
You Will note I mentioned the violence in the London Underground.
Cause = Some husbands and and sons had managed to get a little leave…home on leave and dishing out some retribution to the thugs and spivs. Young folk should watch this programme….before we are all history!
Some old hands from the first world war… knew what was coming.
And got fuck out of it in spite of the military cordon on key routes out.
Some bollocks about the transport ! You could read a newspaper in Finchley at 1am in the morning ..the sky was that bright , a complete idiot would know where they were wanted.
My point: After my last trip too the seaside. I am certain in my mind based on past experience. They cant give our country and home lands away quick enough. So happens big dosh to be made!
LikeLike
Re the blitz BBC:
I shall be surprised if this series …….that covered the first large scale raid on London ……..First mass battering of the civilian population
gives any numbers indicating: the collateral injuries caused by stampeding adults!
The more cynical among the Cockneys thought “They think us – better off dead than rebelling”.
My last check was the mines in Chislehurst Kent held over 15000 men women & Children at wars end! Out of sight…….A concentration camp?
My youngest sisters grave has 5 children in it, but one head stone, with one name on it, hers . (Pneumonia Anderson Shelter)’
The underground, for a period , was a war zone. The different dominant thug groups fought for the best spots to bed down! My point being what are the figures from recent attacks in America UK Germany France……….
No autopsy results coming through.
Made me sick to see that recent huge snake of folk in Liverpool , on their way to a virtue signalling pop concert , large numbers of children in tow.
A potential repeat of a previous disaster was ‘ticking all the boxes’
“We’ll show’em” Cnts the lot of them.
was going to do this post a few days ago……………
Things have come to pass on the London underground …I now think it is fair warning!
LikeLike
Memo to: Chair, Bullingdon Bonkers Club
From: Starve the Greeks S.p.A.
Enchante, vous pauvre connasse de Manhattan….
And now I ‘ave got my mild lack of understanding of yeur blerdy awful sense of humeur anglais off my voluminous buserm, let us attend to the matteurs at ‘and (no, not those luscious Belgian teets you ‘ave so generously served for our consermption today….):
It ees simple you blerdy idiotic old Eternian fatso who made Madame Edith seem like the love of old Rene’s life.
YOU ARE WERN OF ERSS WEEZ YEUR BLERDY TROTTERS FEEDIN IN ZER BLERDY TRERF!!
Or eef you ada brain, you blerdy would be.
You will not becerm US President from England you Oxonian arseheul….
FERKK ERFF to BLERDY NEW YERK if that is what as replaced Marina in getting yeur rerks erff….
Merci beaucoup fer the wine……even Brexit cannot dim ze pleasures of ze grape to jolly alerng a minor diplomatic spat…..
Yeurs vengefully
Emmy Loony Toons de Paris
LikeLike
The only utterance of Tim Farrons Ive ever agreed with was when he accuased Boris Johnson of hypocrisy on an Olympian scale for giving Britain’s backing to Turkey’s bid to join the EU, after the Brexit camp played heavily on the issue in the referendum campaign.
The mans a repulsive maggot.
LikeLike
Boris Johnson.. the man who put the wrecks it in Brexit.
LikeLike
John
I’m full of shit today, so here goes :
Therz a’old urinal gully darn t’side of waterloo.
Another fur ladies frther darn.
That were you’l find sophy .tucker
for thrupenz you can………………
LikeLike
John
Re the turque : I’l try again: He doth sprecken cunnilingus (a branch of the goble de gook) .
LikeLike
John
For the more the ignorant of your readers*:The turque doth spreken cunnilingus
A branch of goble de geek.
* me too
LikeLike
Private grief intrusion prevents me from comment.
But at least your byline photo today indicates you are satisfied with life.
LikeLike