The man who would be king has once more confounded his critics by delivering the sort of negotiation breakthrough that has diplomats either side of the Channel tumescent with expectation for a swift conclusion to the UK/EU divorce saga.
With one mighty bound this afternoon, Foreign Secretary Boris Johnson took a lead boot to the Brexit deadlock, kicking it firmly into the lake of greed as he stormed to victory up the mount of British glory via the foothills of previous failure.
Arriving unannounced in Brussels, former property developer, London bike, emissions expert and firm hand on the Met Police tiller Johnson swept into Rue Archemède 69 in search of Greek fellatio, only to discover it was an Italian restaurant called Barbenara. Undeterred (at least, I think that’s what my source said) BoJo commandeered the eaterie and sent a group text to the 57 UK journalists based in the city:
‘buckshee fizz at Barbenara today, tally-ho chaps, Boris’
Addressing what proved to be the subsequent audience of 125 scriveners, Mr Johnson spoke without notes or logic for nearly forty minutes.
” Thank you for coming here today,” he began, “if you need a top-up of tipple just click your fingers at Luigi over there and he’ll sort you out. Now, I summoned you to hear a dramatic piece of news that’s going to knock every other story on the planet for six and it’s this: I have personally settled the Brexit deal with one swift negotiating leap….a giant leap for meandermankind – a leap that leaves the circle of this tedious negotiation squared beyond recognition with everyone jolly happy on all sides of the, ah, square, as it were.
“You will all be aware of the main sticking points in this deadly minefield of diplomacy. I would summarise them as first, the desire of EU officials to keep all borders open, thus allowing the free flow of Islamics, rapists, ordinary hard-working families, malingerers and other assorted n’e’r-do-wells to trample all over England’s green and pleasant land – which of course we must preserve in order that houses can be built upon it.
“Second, there is the question of money Britain allegedly owes the EU above and beyond those sums already committed for the building of motorways that go nowhere, bribing Italian politicians, subbing Spanish cajas and hiring hitmen to dissuade a lot of busybody auditors from bothering Signor Draghi about where all the Greek bailout interest went.
“These monies – the so-called “divorce setlement” – are of course urgently required to stop the good ship Eutanic from sinking under its own weight by next Thursday, and we in booming Britain understand that. We are not without compassion on the subject….as I shall explain.
“Third, we must be careful not to destabilise the all-important process of financialising capitalism to enrich those worthy of such hard-earned privilege. The tricky part here, it seems to me – and do bear in mind, I have an Oxbridge degree in ancient Greek and an IQ score off the Harvard scale – is to keep the trains running and well supplied with the new post-oil fuel of choice, gravy. Just as the hard pushed German Chancellor Ingomar Merkenicht is worried about Frankfurt (and the Parisian financial district is not called La Défense for nothing) we here in Britain are also very wallet-worried these days.
“Last but not entirely least, we must address the question of the European Court of Human Rights. We have an unknown number of Jihadi, IRA, UVF, SNP, CIA, MI5, Antifa, Momentum, HSBC, Stonewall, DontSupportHate, HMRC, Blairite and vegan residents in the United Kingdom. Like it or not, their minority rights must be taken into account….and it is clear to us that they are all uncomfortable about the idea of losing the EUCHR as a reliable source of useful idiots, should all else fail in stopping their deportation.
“And so, gentlemen of the press…and hohoho all you little ladies too, these are the divisive dimensions with which my understandably inferior colleagues have been strugglng: housing, terrorism, divorce, destitute bureaucrats, dodgy money, freedom to migrate, and human rights.
“I believe it was the American comic philosopher Leonard Bruce who remarked that the four basic human needs are food, shelter, pussy and weird pussy. I can aver from my own life experiences at Eton and in the Conservative Party that he was absolutely spot on, as indeed can my good lady wife on account of her extensive research carried out in the environs of Waterloo station.
“Now, while housing and destitution cover the first two elements in Mr Bruce’s analysis admirably, at first sight one could be forgiven for asking where the pussy element resides in Brexit: for such is, self-evidently, a human right between consenting um adults, depending on your definition thereof. However, while the sex-it in Brexit may be hidden to the naked eye, to those of us blessed with an eye ever open to the main chance, its presence is all too obvious.
“First up do you see, the search for alternative and weird pussy often involves handing over copious amounts of dodgy money to potential donors, and almost always leads to divorce when discovered by third parties. Such marital break-up is, in turn, a major cause of the need to build more houses.
“Second, terrorists – who pretty much to a man disapprove of weird pussy – tend nevertheless to use it in order to blackmail or behead those who indulge in the practice. Thus, the human rights of some to invade unsuitable orifices with unexpected appendages, engage in strapadictomy or offer the stimulation of intimate lingua franca must be protected. I’m sure all of you here present are aware of the decision earlier this week by the Canadian supreme court, for example, to legalise sex with Moose, Caribou or indeed any living being to the north of arachnoids. This might help explain why it took the European Union seven years to organise a trade deal with our Canadian cousins, I couldn’t possible comment.
“But enough foreplay: here is the giant leap. My proposal is that we take all alimony dosh off the table, it being an unnecessarily corrosive and corrupting influence upon the proceedings. It will be replaced by an incredibly generous offer from the UK to our European ex-partners based on people, not filthy lucre. It will involve uthe UK in untold initial expense, but we are quite prepared to swallow that as a means of breaking the deadlock.
“I am talking about a mass exchange of prisoners. What we have here in our sceptred isle is lots of sicko pervy LGBT pink-oboe players, assorted Blairite psychos, closet Jock lesbians, murderous religious fanatics and Momentum commies all with the same unquenchable thirst for life in the European Union under the benevolent protection of the EUCHR.
“My proposal is that, between now and March 2019, British borders will be unequivocally wide open to the migration of all those British citizens and migrants enumerated above to the EU in general, and especially those lucky 19 European States benefiting from membership of the euro currency area.
“In turn, the British Government’s quid pro quo is that there will be no restrictions whatsoever on the immigration into the UK of all those EU citizens who would like nothing better than to escape the protection and benefits of the Union in which they currently reside.
“My calculations – roughed out in great detail on the back of a packet of Marlboro Lights this morning – suggest that Great Britain will see a level of immigration five times larger than the emigration. I think I can state without fear of contradiction, however, that both sides will benefit from the exchange. And as that great British philosopher Jeremy Bentham would surely have remarked, ‘This must needs result in a far greater happiness and fulfilment of the greatest number than existed before’.
“As is my habit in such matters, I have naturally failed to discuss any of this with my Cabinet colleagues, whose spineless dithering would only dilute the genius of my solution.
“And so my fellow hacks, it remains only for the maitre d’ Guiseppe to take your orders. Let the shagging commence.”