Me1 New shockers as Aled Jones not a castrato, Wolfgang Schäuble not a lone assassin, and Robert Mugabe not really a thoroughly nice bloke after all


I am still waiting to be accused of sexual assault, inappropriate touching, scarring the lives of hundreds of women and grooming a nation. At first I was just impatient to be found out. Now I’m offended beyond belief about being left out. I put this cruel exemption down to nothing less than Youth Supremacism and Feminist Ageism.

The only reason Aled Jones has stolen the limelight from older and wiser predatory rape-obsessed males like me is because he is only 46 years old.

This relegation of everyone over 65 to the level of incompetent fondler and incontinent limp-membered has-been must be smashed. We of the transdemographic community demand to be recognised as full members of the Sexual Rainbow.


There was a shock instore for the EU auditing committee Friday when ECB Chairman Mario Draghi redacted 103% of the files relating to the assassination of Greece.

The European Commission has always maintained that the dastardly crime – which took place in broad daylight – was the work of lone nut Wolfgang Schäuble, an embittered wheelchair abuser with alleged links to former East German Communist agent Angela Merkel. But wild-eyed conspiracists have long held that the public slaying was a professional hit organised by rogue elements in the mysterious Neutralise Athens Take Oil organisation more familiarly referred to as NATO.

Redacting the files on the grounds of personal insecurity, Signor Draghi assured selectively invited journalists that “my close friend and objective expert cadaver  at the European Commission, Earl Warren, is satisfied that Schäuble alone fired one gun from three directions and that Yannis ‘Howard Hunt’ Stournaras is nice to his mother and had nothing whatever to do with flying brain tissue in any shape or form”.

In 2013, Mr Stournaras was awarded the Grassy Knobell Prize for his services to financial destruction.


Lifetime leader of his People and liberator of Zimbabwe His Holiness Robert Mugabe looks set to make a soft Brexit into Swiss retirement with the help of renowned African ‘militravel’ organisation You is History Man. 

Mugabe

King Mugabe (seen above with his mother Grace Kelly) was informed by YIHM – the military wing of Xanadoo-PF – that for the good of his health he should move to a bank where nobody gives a shit about how you got rich. After shortlisting Goldman Sachs of New York, Benson & Hedges Gold of London and Jüdischergeltzahn Holdings of Zurich, His Imperial High Horsiness chose the Swiss outfit, which has a history almost as tastelessly disgusting as his own personal apparel.

Before becoming the world’s most reviled clown, Supreme Leader Mugabe was hailed by all fact-checking, anti fake-news media and liberal political organisations as the antidote to ghastly international UDI rogue terrorist Ian Smith. Efforts to contact spokespersons for this Guardian-to-New York Times combine proved futile this afternoon, and so in an effort to maintain objectivity, I offer this clip from CBC featuring the young democratic multiculturalist revolutionary himself in 1964.

Nevertheless, The Slog did manage to obtain an exclusive soundbite from hard-Left activist freedom-fighter for the workers Diane Abbott as she arrived late for the premier of new biopic Castro GTX in London earlier this evening.

“Well basically,” she said, “being a scumfascistbigot lackey of the boss class, you will twist everything I say about this much misunderstood man to suit your own vile racist agenda, so er that’s it and our programme is eminently affordable”.