This week’s trainee intern assistant guest columnist is Diogenes Wilde. Let me know what you make of him, for I am a committed democrat and passionate about the Will of the People. His fate – fame or famishment – lies in your hands. No pressure.
Allegedly, Saudi Arabian Abdullah al-Rashidi, 26, has been sentenced to 1,000 lashes and two months in jail for giving somebody’s camel a blow-job. The camel-owner’s chief complaint was that he did it “without asking permission”, which is an odd hierarchy of criminal evaluation, but each to his own.
Sentencing Abdullah, the Judge remarked, “How ashamed your father and mother must be and how much they must regret giving birth to a son who enjoys fondling the genitals of camels…often, sex with animals can lead to sex with cadavers, or even worse, homosexuality”.
The man’s mother thanked the Judge effusively, saying she hoped that “the judge’s warning will keep him away from homosexuality”. Where would we be without our mothers, God bless ’em?
I’m thinking of building a White Male Construct. Nothing too elaborate, you understand – just something by which those beyond the First Liberal Groupthink Regiment of Tramline Lunatics might remember me. The tricky bit is going to be deciding what to build. I’ll get back to you on that one, but rest assured that it will be profoundly offensive, racist, sexually abusive and puerile.
Then again, I might lay down a road called The Alternative. This would be perhaps even more appealing to those same outsiders who also resist being drafted into The Mayqueen’s Own Neoliberal Cavalier Lancers of Civilisation. I envisage a péripherique-cum-M25 to avoid the heavy traffic of CNN/CNBC/Sun/FT bollocks we all fight through every day of our working lives. It’s a work in progress.
The new Indian-Italian cobuilt Basmaterati Bi-Turbo car has at last been unveiled at the Saxe Coburg Motor Show. Initial reaction is, on the whole, muted: many have criticised the limited colour choices – Gujurati Gold, BungaBunga Blue, Paribhadro Purple, Locaste Brown and Schiaparelli Pink – while others have suggested that its energy combo of Delhi wind and opera con brio will not suit all markets.
But German motoring correspondents were more enthusiastic. “It vill go like Scheiss auf der Shovel on our Autobahnen,” wrote Günther Grassyknoll, “Jawohl, können wir fahrt fahrt faht sehr schnell from Berlin to Paris, Herr General”.
However, European Führerin Angelische Mirakle told the Stuttgarte Allgemeine WurstZeitung, “While of course all migrant cars are very willkommen in Germany, in the Farterland such emissions would be unacceptable because natürlich, we Germans never lie about such things…..and second, competition between our Herrenvolk cars and Untermenschen mongrels is strictly verboten under ze Nuremburg Laws”.
In her new collection of memoirs Pablo poked me Bigtime, 96 year-old art lover and former Picasso muse Consuelo Pollitothethethetheta Duquesa delos Jardines de Puta reveals many intriguing details of her three-week romance with the great Spanish painter.
‘He once told me,’ she writes, ‘that he had been bedevilled all his life by hordes of kids who would come up to him and ask, “Que pasa Picasso?” and then fall about laughing. Pablo did not find this even slightly amusing. He said, “Hwen they do thees, Hi hwont to spray them weeeth diarrorhea”.
But her book is largely notable for its description of the current Spanish Prime Minister Mario Rajoy as ‘an hombre who cannot even grow a decent beard without making it look like an infectious rash’. It is a verdict with which most fair-minded observers will be unable to disagree.