Now that the world’s media, leaders and Yoof have declared the Silly Season to be a 365/24/7 space, The Slog brings you yesterday’s news live today with expert analysis on where we’ll be tomorrow at this rate.
With the Catalonian insurrection escalating (thanks to flame-wafter Comfortan Rajoy) the next Spanish civil war looks set to be even more of a confusion than the last one. There will be libertarian and UKIP brigades on the Catalan side, but one wonders what they will make of Anarchists fighting alongside them. Similarly, I can’t imagine the Caudillo nationalists seeing eye to eye with the Brusselian Superstateists (or indeed the Antifa Left) on the other side. Perhaps George Soros can be persuaded to step in and sort things out. NB – if you don’t get this gag, don’t delve into it too much: you were born after 1980 and thus know knob-all about history. Investigating the Truth of European history would require you to undergo at least seven years of intensive counselling.
Janet Yellen has made her view plain: things are returning to normal via further rate increases, but there is not going to be a rate increase now and rates will remain historically abnormal for some time to come, in order to ensure that things return to normal in due course. She says the US Fed is confident about the outlook but – in line with its Congressional remit – it intends to keep a close eye on economic growth and levels of employment, as ever cognisant of changes up or down in those measures which are as yet difficult to foresee. As a result of Chair Yellen’s crystal clarity, joy has been uncontained in stock markets around the world.
Thomas Cook airline pilots have decided upon strike action, to begin next Monday. In the light of this anouncement (hot on the heels of Ryanair’s decision to cancel 50% of flights until mid October) the European Commission has decreed that all Ryanair cockpit staff will man Thomas Cook cockpits, and in turn all Thomas Cook pilots will fly the hitherto cancelled Ryanair flights. Ryanair owner Aerlingus O’Leary commented, “Just because our cockpits will be empty as a result of our own cock-up does not excuse the use of Cook pilots in our cockpits under Commission orders to cope with cancellations. I also deplore the idea of co-pilots in Cook cockpits cooperating with corporacratic clowns to undermine my cunning attempt to cock up the travel plans of customers rather than cough up for my own copious calamities”.
The Electoral Commission has called for anyone caught abusing politicians online to have their voting rights removed. The British Left in particular is keen on this idea, but wants at the same time to give back the vote to convicted murderers, rapists, burglars, paedophiles, armed robbers, embezzlers and muggers. This is called cognitive dissonance on the outside of insane asylums, but is standard procedure among Labour Party members….presumably because they know that 90% of that lowlife will vote for them. It’s a sort of them and us thing: we mustn’t be rude to them, but they’re quite happy to accept the votes of those who screw us.
President Trump’s mispronunciation of the word ‘Namibia’ has unleashed a storm of protesters calling for his immediate impeachment on charges of having failed his fifth grade Geography exam. Other charges being considered include goading Kim Jong Un, beating Hillary Clinton, creating racial tensions, provoking Muslims and trying to restore the Monarchy. This last accusation is based on him having children, a Jewish son-in-law, and a wife who is a woman. Three Kennedy and three Bush Presidential candidates will be ruled inadmissable as evidence of the fact that the US has been trying to do the Dynasty Dance since 1960.
Scottish Nazi-spotter Sam Purdie bought some slippers from Amazon recently, and was horrified to find that swastikas were clearly visible in the sole design: so clearly visible, in fact, that a red circle was required to point out the obvious attempt to provoke the Jewish community. After three weeks of intensive psychiatric care, Mr Purdie yesterday felt well enough to face the media, and not unnaturally chose the Daily Mail as his medium of communication.
But now Amazon is suffering a much greater backlash from the Odessa Network, which contacted the online giant to call the design “a deliberate attempt by the Jewish banker-controlled UK manufacturing cartel to denigrate unser geliebte Führer by having his favourite symbol walked upon and thus having Hundscheisse all over it, sieg Heil”. Amazon’s pressroom tried to calm things down this morning by pointing out that it is only the left-foot shoes where a swastika can be discerned – by all those keen to while away their pointless lives in close examination of shoe soles. “Also Hitler was Right, not Left,” said a spokesperson.
Fury as Amazon Boss says “Hitler was right”