Turning the screws on the views of the news across the Anglosphere of influence from Aldershot to Zanthus.
It would take a worker on a normal salary more than 150 years to earn the average yearly pay packet trousered by top chief executives of FTSE100 companies, says the GMB this morning. Having heard the news, Pensions Minister David Gauke issued a statement welcoming the GMB’s calculations.
“I’m indebted to the GMB for this information, ” said Mr Dork, “as it confirms our belief that 150 years is more than enough time to put money away for a Pension without bothering our already overstrapped State as if we had an orchard full of money trees for anyone except bankers, senior Whitehall civil servants, MPs and small orphaned facially hirsute children from Syria aged 22”.
Down under, it seems that Victoria’s top drugs policeman Philip Harrison is engaged in discussions of a horizontal bed-based nature with nightclub owner Martha Tsamis. Her club (called Inflation) is an alleged haven for dealers. Senior policemen have described the situation as “very awkward”, although Mr Harrison himself says he thinks “it’s feckin’ trific mite, she goes loik a shit’ouse door”.
Ms Tsamis denies that Inflation is a “honey pot” for dealers — as police have claimed — and has sued the state government for defamation about the comments. “There are no dealers in my club,” she told the Herald Sun yesterday, “because roit nar it’s closed”. As it is already tomorrow in Australia, I have no way of verifying that statement without doing a lot of tedious maths, so I won’t.
Denying their relationship had anything to do with money in brown envelopes and cops giving the club a soft ride, Ms Tsamis added, “He’s hung loik a feckin’ kangaroo and can go on all night, which is a big change from most blokes. It’s about lust, not graft”.
We are relieved to hear this.
According to the Canadian company Orkin, its homeland is infested with bed bugs from end to end. This finding has nothing whatsoever to do with the fact that Orkin is a leading pest control group, allegedly. The top ten infested cities, it seems are as follows:
- St. John’s
- Sudbury, Ont.
- Scarborough, Ont.
Francophiles and Quebecois will doubtless note that their fine bilingual city is not on the list. “Ze frainch purple do not ‘ave ze bedbugs hohihohhiho,” said Quebec mayor Jean-Fou Dégolasse, “zees is baicoze les francais have ze very actif sex laife an’ zeess frighten erf les insectes”.
Orkin is at pains to point out that entomologists say having a clean room does not prevent bed bugs, which can each lay up to five eggs in one day. Etymologists say that entomology is the study of insects and derives from the Greek entomon with the ‘n’ knocked off to create an ology. An ology is a branch of science, except in the case of an apology, which tries to blind the customer with science but is anyway rapidly becoming extinct (see also Microsoft, Orange, SFR, Amazon, Twitter etc etc).
In the US, Ezra Cohen-Watnick, a top intelligence director and a national security aid to President Trump has become the latest person to be fired amid an ongoing shake-up at the White House. The shake-up has been complicated in recent weeks by attempts to shake down the President, and shake-out all the Fifth Columnists leaking to media columnists about Trump.
“All these shake-outs are very expensive for the taxpayer, as well as confusing the living shit outta them,” said the President’s top military adviser General McBastard, “so from now on there will only be shake-ins. We’re gonna hire in any old unemployed drongo from outside of this asylum to make us look good and if that don’t work fuck it, we’ll invade Italy to take the media’s mind off it”.
Having pushed for Cohen-Watnick to be dismissed, McBastard explained, “the President was having real problems remembering Ezra’s name….one minute he’d call the guy Cobalt-Sputnik and the next Coca-Colnick, so it all got a little embarassing. Anyway, he’s history and that’ll teach the little shit to query my intelligence reports on Assad and Putin”.
Surrounded by liberal journalists yelling, “Dirt, dirt, give us dirt!”, Mr Cohen-Watnick commented, “Look already, when everything’s tits up, fire the Jew. It’s de way of the world, right? No hard feelings until after my book comes out.”
Top New York publishing house Hyper Random Sheister has already offered a $10 million advance for Cohen-Watnick’s book. The Slog has gained exclusive access to the working title – All Hogwash at the White House – but the memoirs will have to compete in a crowded marketplace given that everyone from Clinton to Comey via Scaramucci is pissed off about not being important any more.
Meanwhile in a country far far away from absolutely anywhere, 37 year-old Jacinda Ardern, who was appointed the leader of the New Zealand Labour party on Tuesday, has less than two months before the next round of elections to get her act together. Sensing that this was going to be a tough call for Jacinda, the media asked whether she was going to have kids or not.
Research shows that not very many male politicians in their late 30s are typically asked whether they’re sacrificing their dreams of a family for their dream career, but in New Zealand it is still 1752 – and so, when asked about babies on a live talk show, Ms Ardern disclosed that she was “not predetermining any of that, just like most of the women out there who just make their lives work….if some dickhead gives me a good seein’-to without usin’ a rubber, well que sera sera”.
The new Labour leader was also adamant that she loves fluffy little kittens, looks great in a bathing costume and enjoys the music of Mantovani. But she declined to comment upon the health of her uterus. Currently, the Party she’s taken over is 93 points behind in the opinion polls.
The release of the ‘Nasi Lemak Burger’ by McDonald’s in Singapore on July 13 (to celebrate its National Day on August 9) has occasioned a competitive response from Malaysia’s very own burger joint, myBurgerLab. Fiercely independent mBL is set to launch its ‘Nasi Lemak Ayam Rendang’ product tomorrow. Said marketing manager Fu lo Lard, “Nasi Lemak is old hat now that we have launched our new burger with Ayam Rendang, guaranteed to blow off the head of anyone foolish enough to eat it, while causing maximum blow-off at the other end. Our hope is that some customers may achieve outer-Earth orbit after consumption”.
The Slog wishes the plucky Malaysian anti-globalist good luck in its quest to stop Big Ronald in his size 12 tracks, but I fear this is David v Goliath stuff with no slingshot in sight. Already news reaches me that McDonald’s plans to play its high card, the McDonald Trump Fartathon Whopper, a high-fibre internet pulse-n-beer soaked burger currently shortlisted as the chosen rocket fuel of NASA’s first Men on Mars bid.
Commented McDonald’s Senior Vice-President trainee virtual overseas marketing hub Director Nat Z. Finkel, “Our next step towards domination of the world alimentary self-destruction space will be the Middle East launch of the Nazi LePen Burger, in conjunction with John McCain’s chips, which we expect to be a huge hit with all Hamas, ISIS, Muslim Brotherhood and Al Qu’aida fast food fans”.