The world has been celebrating the end of the Ukraine crisis over the last 72 hours. In one fell swoop, Donetsk rebels abolished the country, proclaiming a new State to replace the old one. To be called Miniskulskarusski, the newly-minted Sovereign will enjoy the unique position of being at war with everyone and recognised by nobody, but with spectacular views in all directions. Its new international dialling code will be 000.3.
Unsurprisingly, Ukrainians have so far reacted badly to their abolition. The military there says it has launched some 463 shells into Donetsk: from these, 411 fried eggs emerged to bombard the plucky Miniskulskarusski defenders, who retaliated by firing 150 pork sausages and 58 rashers of bacon at a military base somewhere else called something or other involving a string of consonants. The US State Department called the exchange “the deadliest breakfast so far in 2017”, but pointed out that there is no such thing as a free lunch.
State blamed “Russian-led” rebels for the catastrophic international dialling situation, but the following day Russian dirty scheming bastard baby-eater and mad monk Vladimir Rasputin rejected the declaration of MiniskulskaRusski, declaring, “OK loork Westies pliss, we hayve gort enough Roosuiass to deal vit vitout any new oness poping oop all over the plice. This rebel Alex Zakharchenko is fool off sheet, probabrly drerrnk foor oll I knowink, we deessown heem as dumbass Donbass Donetskum, stopid Meerkat piece of perestroika”.
Bombastic British Foreign secretary-shagger Boris Johnsonuvich dismissed the entire affair as “just a lot of leftwing poppycock designed to distract attention from my trade visit to Japan which will transform the Brexit talks and tell that Barnier owl from Brussels to put a sock in it”.
The TwitterLib Democrats tweeted today to confirm that pretty soon they are going to be in the biggest fucking hole ever seen in British politics:
Said new leader Vinny Livewire, “The only way is up. The last two wankers were a lazy bueaucrat and bonkers Eunatic respectively, so think of me as Third Time Lucky. With one mighty dive I shall land on my magic pinball-spring and zoom out of the hole to take Britain by storm”.
The fees paid on entry to Wales – from £6.70 to £20 – have long been a source of contention, and they are to be abolished during the current Parliament if time spent arguing with Brussels onanists allows. In future there will be a new flat rate of £50 to be paid to every English or Scottish tourist daft enough to want a holiday in the freezing damp with only sheep for company. Northern Irish DUP holidaymakers entering Wales will be paid £5million each in a secret deal agreed by Damian ‘Dead’ Green.
Following a full and unexpurgated enquiry lasting just under 2,307 years, Egyptologists have concluded with some certainty that King Tutankhamun’s wife Ankhesenamun married her brother, father and grandfather in a career of insatiable incest that remains unequalled in ancient or modern history beyond the borders of Kentucky.
Much of the information has been drawn from her set-in-stone memoirs A home-lovin’ Gal, whose hieroglyphics suggest that Ankhesenamun bore nine children, several of whom had both eyes to one side of the nose, and all of whom played banjos by ear while sitting on the lower branches of the family tree.
The BBC reports that statistics the government uses to calculate net migration are unreliable, ‘and largely calculated in the dark’. Under pressure at PMQs, Prime Suspect Theresa Mayoknees agreed to lift the lighting ban which she blamed on “the sadly misguided austerity policies of the man I fired, Greg O’Robnose”. Diane Abbott in turn opined that post-Brexit net immigration policy will be ‘severely hampered’ if the Government continues to rely upon its outmoded system of counting those who arrive and then subtracting those who leave. “This leaves out any qualitative judgement,” she claimed, “for example that those who leave are white racists whereas those who arrive can become cleaners at the sort of schools good enough for my children”.