Middle Eastern matters
The top American commander in the fight against the Islamic State, Lt. Gen. Hank Klulass, said last week that the elusive leader of the ISIS terrorist group Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi was “almost certainly no longer alive, and we think this may well explain his continuing elusiveness”.
But when pressed in a briefing with Pentagon reporters, Klulass did not actually use the “dead” word. “I have yet to see evidence that he is still around,” Hank evaded, “in fact last night I rang his flat under an alias, and his wife told me she is reasonably certain that he is missing presumed not entirely alive to the point of being devoid of breath with the heartbeat seemingly absent.”
Contacted yesterday by The Slog, Mrs Al-Baghdadi commented, “I haven’t seen the no-good two-timing lazy bastard for three months and if I never see him again it would be too soon for me.”
U.S. Secretary of State Tex Risible ended talks with ministers from Saudi Arabia and three Arab allies last Wednesday over how to repair Qatar’s rift valley, but there was no immediate word of any breakthrough.
“A huge amount of piss and wind keeps escaping from the rift,” explained Secretary Risible, “and the Saudi-led Group of Four (GO4) say they’re sick of having smelly rain and gusts on their Parade for Peace”.
The GO4 imposed sanctions on Qatar on June 5, accusing the State of spending far more on financing extremist groups than they do and thus vying for top-dog-of-war position – while also being nice to Iran where everyone is a heathen Sonny & Cher worshipper and therefore to be reviled almost as much as the depraved Infidel.
“It’s kinda tricky for us,” Tex told a Pentagon briefing for newshounds, “because we sell arms to all these Goddamn Ay-rabs and the last thing we need right now is another hole in the ferkin trade deficit”.
Theresa May’s rivals in the Conservative Party have confirmed that she is suffering from Shrivellitis.
The Slog is able this morning to bring you the first picture (left)
The highly infectious disease is transmitted by continuous brown-nose contact with electoral spin doctors, and can be fatal in the case of patients suffering from Brexit chaos and massive vote loss. Sources in the Labour Shadow Cabinet tell me they plan to smuggle Alistair Campbell into Number Ten in order to increase the chances of acute infection, but spokespeople close to Tony Blair confirmed that Campbell is already working with the Tories. The results have been disastrous
in that both Jeremy Shunt and Michael Fallible (left) have gone down with the deadly illness, and other Cabinet members are presenting with the early symptoms of Shrivellitis – viz, Brexit splits and leaking. A Dr J Mengele did, however, refute the latter of these symptoms, telling The Slog that leaks are far more likely to be the result of Drivellitis
But things are moving ahead over in Brussels, where Brexit Dodo Daffodil Davos began a second round of formal talks yesterday. He said his priority was to “lift the uncertainty” for EU citizens living in the UK, and Britons living in the EU, by killing himself. But the EU negotiating group Cosa Nostra says there must be substantial progress on this outcome, even though Mr Davis himself said there had been a good start to the process and he would shortly get down to the “substance of the matter” by choosing from a shortlist of head in gas oven, poison pill in teeth, or hanging by the goolies. Michel Barnier encouraged DD to “delve into the heart of the matter” with all speed.
In another breathtaking act of cruel kindness today, Tory DWP Supremo Guy Uppawaspi announced a new “totally unbiased” Government ad campaign offering advice and information “designed to bring Waspi nonviolent extremists to their senses”. The launch evoked gasps of disbelief and not a little laughter from the Press Pack. Once again, Slog cub reporter Dietrich Von Ausland scoops the field with these shots of the main posters to be used in the advertising burst:
But rampaging Waspi Miss Fizzy Pornish immediately hit back with this riposte:
And these late flashes just in….
The Vatican today rejected a call from Tony Blair to replace elected Popes with a system based on the heredity principle. Mr Blair’s progressive wife Cherry Crumble joined her husband in arguing that “with people like Jeremy Coalbin around, papal elections are now far too risky”.
In a brusquely brief statement, the Vatican press office suggested that late convert Mr Blair “needs additional tuition in the Church’s views on celibacy, and His Holiness would be happy to oblige the next time they’re in town”.
Today is Mandeladay. Tomorrow it will be Winniemandeladay, followed by Thursdeladay, Frideladay, Sateladay, Sundeladay and Mondeladay.