Government Minister for Pensions Guy Uphimself is rumoured to be working hard on his new scheme to encourage Waspi women to work after they’re dead.
“There are many advantages to the idea,” he told the Commons as he dodged flying poison darts, “it is well known, for example, that after death there is no need for money or protection, and so they can work for nothing up nuclear reactor chimneys and down anthrax mines 24/7. This will make Britain one of the lowest cost producers of weaponry in the world, and contribute greatly to the creation of a more ethical foreign arms sales policy”.
Mr Uphimself, a born-again Christian Nazi, was one of the first MPs in the United Kingdom to employ an apprentice centagenarian. He is a passionate believer in the Afterlife, which he regards as “one of the outstanding 21st century privatisation opportunities”. But he does have a downside.
Despite previously describing himself as “rather on the left” of the Conservative Party, Uphimself is a secret sufferer from Thatcher’s Fuckwit by Proxy syndrome. This shows itself in an obsessive desire to help people in the shit, without giving a second’s thought to how they landed there in the first place.
“I suppose I think of him as a classic case of Useful Idiot,” commented pensions expert Sir Phillizboots Green.
The Waspi campaign itself, meanwhile, is considering what it should do next. Aspiring leader and part-time pinhead angel Anne of Keene is in the unique position of being both an unfireable Fuhrerin and pointless overhead.
“We have been hugely successful in attracting membership, support and money,” she told the Bicester Parish Magazine recently, “and remain committed to a radical solution by the use of opening our legs whenever possible”. But others within the Waspi hive are less kind.
“Being a Waspi now is like feeling very powerful up to but not including the actual achievement of any objectives. Anne is the Arthur Scargill of pension rights – but Arthur was prettier and got more news coverage” said disgruntled member Doris Bonghead of Brighton.
Still, nihil desperandum because Waspi legal advisers Bindman’s Buff have been working day and night for eight months on a letter – sent at top speed to the Government last March – which must have every knee in Whitehall trembling by now. It warned HMG that the campaign will “consider all available legal and other options” if its demands aren’t met.
One can gauge the fear this generated by the nature of the Government’s response, which was to argue that working longer was good for physical and mental health, and suggest Waspi women apply to join apprenticeship courses.
Said Birdbrain Bluff’s assisant deputy junior Waspi account executive Harry Potter, “I think all will agree that £100,000 in fees for such a tough letter represents good value in today’s market, and would be cheap at a fraction of the price”.
Only Gay in the Village Owen Jones Bach-Lookyou has announced that, when the Corbyn Labour Party sweeps to power next month or sooner (whichever is the latter) it will become an unreasonable (and probably treasonable) offence for Right wingers to weaponise Leftwing abuse for political purposes. But he adds a caveat by saying that this will only apply to “genuine abuse”: fake abuse by Leftlibs must be ignored as part and parcel of the give and take of democratic politics, and so anyone from the Right complaining about abuse that turns out to be fake will be shot prior to a fair trial.
“So you see,” said Mr Bones-Backbender, “the Right really wins both ways on this”. Except that they don’t see at all….and the picture gets even more blurred as Little Owen outlines his view on fake versus genuine abuse isn’t it:
“Genuine abuse is when anyone calls me a queer c**t, which happens now at the rate of about 3,500 times a day. It is an utterly unacceptable expression of phobic illness which must not be tolerated just because these people are sick. Fake abuse is when Leftist Truthsayers call UKippers racist scum and murderous fascist bigots, because speaking the truth can never be abusive otherwise it would be the end of free speech as we know it”.
The end of the world as Owen knows it may well be nigh….I simply cannot comment, given that most of the time I am in doubt as to the extent or even existence of his knowledge.
Chief Brexit negotiator Michel Barnier has torn into Boris Johnson’s “go whistle” jibe, telling the UK: “The clock is ticking.” This is the second round in the rapidly emerging Tick-Whistle Challenge between British Bastards and Belgian Bullies. In this game, the players reach a daily impasse because there is no referee to blow the whistle between two sets of idiots, and no clock to tick away the time.
“We’re making progress,” said carpetbagging fugitive from Greek justice Guy Vertoothgap, “because at this rate the Brexit process will become an eternity of circular anarchy, which is of course exactly what we want”.