London mosquitoes were sent several death threats last week, claimed the Socialist Worker this morning, after reports that massive cuts to NHS spending had brought about the return of malaria to the capital.
Speaking from his Islamic Peace & Vegan Love Centre in Hackney, Gherkin Looney commented, “This is simply another bout of malariaphobia generated by this scumfascist Brexit government which has no validity, no mandate, no power and no intention of doing the right constitutional thing by handing over supreme power immediately to the Socialist Workers Party which is the only Party in the UK unwilling to sully itself by taking part in sham elections to the British imperialist Parliament.
“There is not and never has been any truth in the rumour that radical mosquitoes spread malaria: it is a myth put about by this evil Tory government and its poppinjay Nigel Garage and everyone knows they have done this to distract attention from NHS privatisation by suggesting there is a health crisis, or something”.
The Sun meanwhile reports that Prime Minister Therese May-Antoinette has insisted that her Government remains “on the right path” in its bid to steer British eating habits away from bread towards cake. “Cake is far better for the lower orders….a nourishing pudding and altogether heqlthier thqn deep-fried Mars bars,” she asserted
In her first major speech since she unccountably lost her majority on the way home from buying 15 kilos of caviar at Harrods a month ago, the PM told an audience at the Confederation of Marzipan Manufacturers that she remained “confident that the majority of my majority will be safely returned once police have completed their thorough enquiries into why a minority of voters with no seniority flouted my authority, thus demonstrating the sort of inferiority that ought to bar them from voting”.
Having at last struck an accord with the Zanu wing of the Undemocratic European Unionist Party, Mrs May-Antoinette defended the deal by pointing out that the Conservative Party strongly supports the wearing of bowler hats during Long Live King Billy parades.
In a blockbuster defence story yesterday, the Daily Mail revealed that Britain’s new £6.2billion aircraft carriers are at risk of long-range Chinese takeaway meals delivered by rickshaws sneaking under Britain’s pre-1979 radar system. The finding comes from a new think-tank which cost £30billion, and is itself vulnerable to attacks from Russian intercontinental ballistic Chicken Kiev torpedoes.
“Portions of Szechuan cabbage, Peking Duck and Dum Sim costing as little as 30 Yen each could very easily do considerable damage to the warships, and the Kievs ‘could at least disable’ Britain’s new £3.1billion Queen Elizabeth”, the think tank claimed. Her Majesty has fought bravely for many years against her addiction to the infamous Russian Chicken dish, but to bombard her with them at such an advanced age could produce a disastrous relapse in her condition.
Challenged as to why the Government had left Britain and its Sovereign so open to culinary attack, Defence Minister Michael Felon told the BBC that when construction began “the idea that key Western military assets could be vulnerable to hostile chef hissy-fits was unthinkable, and so we didn’t think about it.” He added that four Sausage Rolls-Royce missiles would be placed on the Polish border as a deterrent.
The Guardian reports that Brexit Secretary David Daffy Duck Daffodil-Davis has been commented on claims that he and the chancellor, Philip Hammond, are pushing different Brexit strategies. He said they spoke about the plans weekly, adding, “There is not a cigarette paper between our positions – more like a whopping great spliff, which he’s smoking and I’m not”.
Revealing that there may have to be some transitional period in the UK’s departure from the EU, 4D Davis rejected charges that there was no way everything could be completed in the given time frame. “That simply isn’t true,” he said, “every last detail will be covered with the exception of how the fuck it will all work in practice once a lot of stupid deals and silly practices have been agreed by bureaucrats and bankers.”
But the HMRC admit it is no longer sure it can deliver a new customs declaration system on time – which, given its track record of never in history delivering a single accurate tax demand on time, has the ring of Truth about it. It told the Treasury select committee that the delivery of the new system was in doubt as it faced a fivefold increase in customs checks, blank cheques, bouncing cheques, reality checks, cooks’ checks and not quite Slovak Czechs.
And finally, top-notch hotshot socio-political bint Allison Pearson holds forth from the Daily Telegraph today with her answer to the University fees issue. “It’s time,” she writes, “to stop sending our children to University, because as we all know such places have been so messed up and sold off by Michael Gove they serve little use or purpose, especially as we can import all our professional talent from Islamic countries and thus give the construction industry a job for life building homes fit for terrorists to burn down. Also, fees are now out of control for some reason I can’t fathom, and so what I say is let’s get back to the good old days when only families called Waugh, Hume, Queensbury, Hogg and Windsor went up to the Varsity”.
Rendered furious by Pearson’s prose, Momentum activist Jeff Spunk declared, “This is typical Tory propaganda designed to undermine the education policies of Jeremy Coalbin, just because it turns out that it would actually cost nearer £100 billion not £11.2 billion to carry out our latest firm and fully costed promise to cancel out all historical student loans dating back to 1263. Everyone knows from reading the Socialist Worker that we can get the money from nasty old neo-fascist middle class biddies on a pension they don’t need, and failing that the banks, multinational exploiters and rich Jews all given an easy ride by the Tory traitor Tony Blair and his henchmen among what used to be laughably called the Labour Party, the rump of whom will soon be purged even though all talk of deselection is nothing more than running-dog lickspittle lackey agitprop put about by boss-class owners of Britain’s right wing media”.