With under a week to go, it’s pretty obvious to me that a strong and stable coalition of chaotic Brexit living under a money tree but nevertheless within its means for the many not the few is what most people either (a) want or (b) are implacably against.

Well, that’s consensus politics for you. And this election obviously is consensual, otherwise why would both main Parties have the same slogan? Why are they both proposing to spend far more than either our deficit or debt should allow? Why is neither prepared to commit to any major goal on immigration, defence and Brexit? And why are they both extremely comfortable with the idea of stealing?

That last observation might produce a withdrawal of horrified (and probably horrible) breath from those dedicated to one cause or another in this election, but it really shouldn’t: The Tories want to steal the NHS off the People, and Labour wants to steal the railways off the shareholders. Mayormaynot wants to keep stealing money off Waspi victims, and Corbychev wants to steal the election off her. All Remainers want to steal the Brexit result off the Leavers, and Nicola Sturgeon wants to steal Scotland from both of them.

So you see, like it or not, there’s a consensus about the need to pinch stuff in order to make the country work – and to me, that makes eminent sense: how else, after all, are we likely to balance the books? Is anyone seriously suggesting that we can pay off over five trillion quid in sovereign debt and future cost liabilities?

Also, we shouldn’t lose sight of the fact that robbery has been Britain’s metier since God was a boy – long before he transexualised himself into a 50-foot woman. We have, over the centuries, stolen North America, huge bits of Africa, all of India, King Charles’s head, Scotland, Ireland, a percentage of citizen earnings, Australia, most of the manufacturing and transport infrastructure (twice, once each way), and endless budgets originally earmarked for things other than senior Civil Service pensions.

Like the true patriots they are, the British banking system has led the way along this cultural boulevard, stealing in turn from customers, small businesses, Britain’s reserves, drug dealers, and of course each other. And the media too have played their role, distracting from that serial smash and grab: stealing the limelight via various bum-and-tit shots, ghastly soaps, laughably unfunny sitcoms, fake news and an explosion of lifestyle programming. Things may look bad for Britain on the whole, but I know of no other nation in the world where you can escape to the country, there to design your very own garden and collect antiques before moving on to a life of nonstop sun and sangria somewhere exotic beyond the EU where the religion isn’t Islam. Social mobility was never more rife….although the amount of it heading downwards is something many of us choose to ignore.

Like me, you may have noticed that nobody from Westminster is laying much emphasis on how the UK economy is going to be rebalanced towards making real money – as opposed to inventing it via fractional reserve banking. But what we’ve all been missing here is that the money is of course going to be stolen, not made: it’s what we do, and only the Swiss do it better.

As I’ve outlined above, the grand larceny is already visible on a number of fronts: the cutlass-swingers on the Mayflower will steal your parents’ house….unless somebody notices, and then they might not. The Corbynista Stürm Abteilung in turn would, if elected to power, steal a further 5% of honestly earned income among those taking home over £85,000 a year. And if he squeezes into coalition with someone – anyone – Tim Carrot is going to steal from all of us without fear or favour. (None of them, by the way, are out to damage the wealth of Tony Blair, David Cameron, Sir Fillizboots Green and their ilk).

The problem is that Paul may well nick some of Peter’s booty, but this isn’t what the future’s about. Looking to the past for guidance here, “And so let us steel ourselves to our task,” said Churchill as he approached the elegant crescendo of his famous 1940 speech. Today’s mob, it seems to me, would’ve suggested, “And so, let us steal each other’s gas masks”.

There’s no need to do that.

When the police recover stolen property, nobody in his or her right mind suggests that they are stealing from the burglar or the pickpocket responsible.

The real task for the United Kingdom after this Fakelection will be to recover money from those who stole it, and make honest money from selling premium-priced quality British goods to the growing global middle class.

The Tories have zero interest in doing the former, and the Left is clueless as to how to do the latter.

And as you’re all about to bugger off for the weekend as fast as you can, I shall blather no further. Have a good one.