In two new polls today, voters at last showed that perhaps the Roman military wing of the Conservative Party may have gone a little too far in the last fortnight.
Some traditional older Tories admit that they were shocked by the Manifesto proposal to pay Underclass benefits in salt, and crucify old people if they persist in living longer than the new retirement age. Others were disturbed by the clause that suggested changing the locks on pensioners’ homes while they were out being assessed by Serviam Tributum Soli (2014) Ltd at the local Domestic Servant Slave (DSS) market.
“Look here,” said Damien Green on the Marmite Show, “You asked us to guarantee a new triple lock, well here it is”.
The Privation Poll for the Bile on Sunday shows that the Conservative lead has been cut by 5%, but Chancellor ‘Prince’ Philip Hammond dismissed this as “meaningless in the context of general inflation”. Challenged on the Tory advantage now being down to single figures, Mr Hamshank said this was “only to be expected in the context of background deflation”.
Meanwhile, the Imperiiromani.Gov survey in The Slimes suggests that Jeremy Coalbin’s Grand Amphitheatre Tour is having some form of snowball effect.
Itself noting a cut in the Tory lead, the study also said there had been a 3% rise in the Tranmere Rovers Party. Speaking of the tour’s success, lead singer Coalbin said he had been “disappointed at times by his support groups The Ed Miller Band and Ugly Rumours“.
But one Labour insider, prospective candidate for Kensingbridge Hamran Sickle, told The Slog, “The People right are like finally rallyin’ to the cause of the Comintern and when this bourgeois farce is over Colleague Abbott’s selfless decision to keep a low profile will be heralded as an act of strategic genius”.
Hopes that Labour’s 180,000 crack engagement troops were having a positive effect were dashed when irascible leader of Lambrent Council Evita Ileford tweeted as follows:
Early reports suggest that Mr Harris was unconvinced by her entreaty, and privately Labour canvassers are admitting that, when it comes down to it, Mrs May’s Cabinet just shade it over the 180,000 for sheer ideological unpleasantness “but it’s a very close run thing”.
Meanwhile, there is still no news of the Waspi Cabinet. Its members took up a dramatic vow of silence when Theresa May announced the Fakelection, and it is thought the Inner Circle have done so to lull the Government into a sound sense of security.
Others insist that some 324 Waspis will abstain on June 8th, almost certainly causing a collapse in the Polite Party vote. But irrepressible radical Lippie Crayfish has vowed to kidnap Iain Duncan-Smith’s hyphen if the 1995 Act hasn’t been repealed by June 10th.