I absolutely guarantee that, by the end of the next Parliament, every working person in the country will be earning at least £210,000 per annum. Ever since 2008 we have been told that inflation is no longer wicked but in fact something to be embraced. I have not been asleep during that period: inflation is good and voting for me will give you more inflation than a greedy Zeppelin: inflation will be running at 30% a week. No ifs or buts.
Once elected, I promise every UK citizen there will be no politics at all ever again. No more Jon Sopel or Jock Lauras with silly Nordic names. No more Remoaners or 48 percenters. No more neocons or Commies. All activism, non-violent extremism, feminism, Islamism, Zionism, terrorism, nationalism and revionism will come to an end. I pledge without reservation or exception that 100% of the British population will be deported. Except me.
The Brexit negotiations will be completed at no cost by June 10th at 5.30 pm. On the 9th June I will threaten the EU with merciless nuclear anihilation, and when they ignore it I shall vapourise Brussels, Frankfurt and Strasbourg. Also Finland. Who the fuck cares about Finland? The following day we shall all be free. I promise.
All identity politics and World Days will cease. Nobody will give a monkey’s chuff about anyone’s sexuality. No longer shall we have to read on Twitter that today is World Can Opener’s Day, because it fucking well won’t be, so there. You have my word as a megalomaniac on that.
Everything will work like it used to work. Programs, software, Skype, biros, zips and hitech instruction manuals will be banished to St Helena. Anyone selling a solar garden light, chopping board, garbage sac or torch that dies within hours will be hunted down by legalised arshole-seeking hounds and then hung upside down from a cellphone mast.
Houses will all cost £5 per bedroom, plus an additional £150 if there is no water filter in the kitchen. Buying will be done on a handshake. No agents, lawyers or surveyors shall be included in the process.
Foreign cars will be banned, and production of 1959 3-speed Sturmey Archer bicycles recommenced. There will be a £500 tax rebate for every citizen exceeding 30 miles per hour in the soon to be launched 110cc State Slogmobile.
Scotland will be cancelled until further notice.
There will be be no Special Relationships with any other country ever again.
First Past the Post as an election model will cease to exist. I will nationalise the Post and ensure it is donated to the State. Et l’état sera moi.