twain Never in my career as a political and business consultant have I come across a British election in which the choices were so clear-cut for voters.

After decades of spin, at last we have two completely opposed characters that nobody could call bland – and it’s great for democracy. It may seem on the surface that one is saying she will deliver a country where everyone benefits not just the privileged few, whereas he says he will govern for the many not the few….and that these things are exactly the same thing, as such.

But their strategies are completely different: because whereas Thearse May has no intention of delivering on the claim, Jeremy Coalbin has no intention of getting the chance to try. It is thus a fascinating tussle between her lying tongue and his cunning long game.

In short, it is cunnilingus politics….and it makes for an absolute soixante-neuf of an election.

Now the less cultured and foul-mouthed among you may well say, “you mean it’s a contest between a cunt and a dick?” and at first sight that cynical riposte may appear to have substance. But I must disagree: it is not that simple. In reality, it is a fight to the finish between a Party that knows only how to suck dick, and a Party full of cunts who know only how to hate Nobs pulling crooked stunts and trying on illiberal punts.

Your choice is between a woman on her knees, and a man on his back. Her knees wear expensive trousers, and his back is full of knives. Never, my friends, has the contrast in handicaps been so stark.

But the intriguing thing for me is the absolute equality of their shared handicap. I refer, of course, to incompetence. May was a Home Secretary who aimed to cut immigration to 10,000, and missed by 290,000; Coalbin hired a Home Secretary who wants to add 10,000 policemen, but cut their salaries to €30 a year; both of them have trouble learning lines, and so thus far have delivered one speech each, forty times; and May was a firm EU Remainer who now wants your mandate to negotiate hard Brexit, while Coalbin is a lifelong Eurosceptic who won the task of supporting the EU.

Yet another aspect of this rivetting Election is the refreshing lack of any wild promises, as both sides take stock, keeping their cards close to the chest. The Prime Minister is flatly refusing to comment on her plans to steal more pension monies, restore the hunting of unemployed citizens to legality, and force disabled children up chimneys. Similarly, the Leader of the Opposition evades any and all questions about nuclear warheads on submarines, whether he would declare No Exit on Brexit, and his secret plan to wipe out the entire Royal Family and bury their bodies at sea.

The one thing we know for certain is that the Conservative Party is promising a strong and stable Britain by wiping out the Labour Party, whereas the Labour Party is firmly committed to saving the NHS from the Conservative Party. It seems to me there is room for compromise here, and I did indeed write to both parties once the contest was announced in order to point this out. I have yet to receive a reply – which only confirms my conviction that both of them are equally divisive.

For myself, I have taken on a consultancy with UKIP, and my Election advice to them – go on holiday and ignore it – has been taken up with vigour. Having ensured they would be wiped out at local level, I am now working hard to ensure their Westminster position remains stable.

It promises to be neck and neck to the finish, because although very few people know this, I can reveal that Mr Coalbin’s neck is two metres long, whereas Thearse May’s neck barely exists but is known to be solid brass. This was confirmed five minutes ago by the Evening Standard, which is projecting a Tory majority over Labour of 204 seats. My nose tells me the paper’s editor may well have been involved in analysing the research: we shall have to wait and see.