One of the major advantages most of you have over me is that I studied UK constitutional politics at Uni, and you didn’t. It therefore follows (I would submit) that you don’t share quite the same level of incandescent rage as me when it comes to dimwitted Oxbridge Tory vandals trampling all over such Constitutional bits as we still have.
The degree of sweeping stupidity taking place when Blair was in power – and being advised by, among others, the idiot Lord Birt – was if anything even worse: but as Blair is now electoral anti-matter, he is of no concern. His damage is done: The Arse May is still at it.
The only good thing about this pointless UK general election is that there will be no PMQs until mid June. There’s something about saying ‘June’ in April that makes it sound a long way away – like ‘September’ was when you were a kid breaking up in June. Suffice to say, the respite is welcome. Not just because I am ashamed at the sight and sound of highly-paid adults behaving like puppies in a socialisation class. Not just because far too many of the questions are planted. But primarily because the real point of PMQs is to hold the Executive to account. This never happened much after around 1832; now it doesn’t happen at all.
As so often, the best way to illustrate this is through the medium of slightly surreal satirical parody….if only because what was surreal yesterday will be real tomorrow.
Speaker Ernie Bilko: Order! Order! The Prrrriiime Ministarrrre….
The Arse May: Mr Speaker, earlier today I had meetings with my couturiers, and later I shall be attending further lessons in how to laugh without looking like I might be a deranged goose receiving le gaverage.
Mr Speaker, I’m sure the whole House will join me in wishing the Member for Rottendale good luck in his retirement. His formidable and dedicated determination in devoting an entire life to the study of child trafficking in this House will serve forever as a beacon shining on the value of formidable devotion to determined dedication in the face of such obviously overwhelming odds, and we all owe a debt to him for pointing out to others just how overwhelming those odds are.
The House: Hear Hear!
Speaker Bilko: The Member for Suffix East-North-East, Mr Lindsay Curtain-Whyper….
Curtain-Whyper: Thank you Mr Speaker. I wonder if my Honourable Friend the Prime Minister is aware of just how much the People of this country are grateful for her principled stand against Brussels on the Brexit issue, the need for incompetence in relation to immigration control, the importance of the Rule of Law, and the suppression of non-violent extremist sedition in this, the cradle of modern democracy?
House: Cries of “Yes! Humbug! Hear hear! Shame! There there! Creep! Ibbleabbleobblemutter.”
TAM: I am grateful to my honourable friend in this, our finest hour of power, for his comments, and in all humility must concur entirely with his sentiments.
Speaker Bilko: Platoon hiieeerrruup, no hang on that’s not right, ah, here we are….Mr Jamdemo Corbynice
Jamdemo Corbynice: Thank you Mr Speaker, and I too join the house in wishing the Rottendale member more justice in his retirement than he ever got from trying to get any justice for the children of plebs….
Tory Benches: ROOOOOAAAArrrrr man doesn’t know how to behave, shame on you out out out…
Speaker Bilko: Order! Order! ORDURERRRRRR! Colonel Hall must…I’m sorry, the Leader of the Opposition must be heard or I will sentence all those on the Government benches to normal sex for the next three weeks.
JC: Thank you Mr Speaker. When she took over the leadership of the Conservative Party, the Prime Minister promised a society in which every poor hardworking family would have butter-soaked crumpets free on the National Health. Where are these crumpets?
TAM: Oh dear…..the silly little beardie weirdy with the funny sticky-out tooth opposite still hasn’t quite got the hang of this PMQs tradition has he? You see, you try to catch me out – and I confirm that there are no fish in my Acacia trees. The trees we in the Conservative Party planted when Labour wanted to hand over all our fishing rights to Brussels!”
Tory Benches: HaaarhahaheeehihofeediddleIfum that put the little Commie Krug-guzzling shit in his place….
JC: Mr Speaker, a major Sunday newspaper has just revealed that the Health Secretary Jermy Hunte cancelled the budget for these crumpets for being too high in lard and salt, and then donated the sum involved to BUPA. Does the Prime Minister think this was a right and proper thing for the Health Secretary to do?
Labour benches: No! No! Resign! Resign!
Speaker Bilko: Platoon right face, who should resign – Hunte or May?
Labour Benches: Corbynice! Cooper! Miliband the Elder!
Speaker Bilko: Order! Order! The Preeeeiiiiimmmme Mineestaaaiiir….
TAM: Ha ha ha hoo huuuw ha hee hee, you know, every week the Member Opposite stands up to ask questions, and every week I answer him with scrupulous honesty by pointing out that not a single Conservative voter in England has anything but the highest respect for Jermy Hunte, and the way in which he has sought to stop wayward overspending in the NHS at every turn of the screw….as opposed to Labour – who would happily use universal welfare the real wealth-producers in this country can no longer afford – to bring our wonderful country to its knees!
Tory Benches: Ha haaarr me Arsies, for she is our Front Wench and no mistake…..
JC: Mr Speaker, during the last election in 2015 the current Prime Minister opposite was photographed by a constituent – one Bert Engels – frantically stuffing voting slips into a box marked ‘Us’ while attacking a box marked ‘Them’ with a blow-lamp. As she was Home Secretary at the time, would she care to comment on the 24/7 harassment Mr Engels has received since that time, and the discovery of his body last night with fourteen bullet holes in his nose?
Squeaky-voiced backbencher: She did it I tell you! She’s mad! Mad! Stop her before she kills again! She fired me…..me, the saviour of…..
Speaker Bilko: Strangers in the House! How did the editor of the Evening Bastard get in here?
TAM: He was elected to it, Mr Speaker….
Labour benches: Shame! Shame! Scumfaggot Tory Bullingdon Boy…
Bilko: Order! Order! The Prime Minister must be Duane Doberman, I mean heard….the Pryeeeeem Ministarrrrrer….
TAM: The member opposite may have forgotten my outstanding record as Home Secretary in allowing 150,000 defenceless little bearded babies into the country every single year – in order to bring about that genuinely multicultural society the Labour Party claims we are against!
Tory Benches: Hurrah! Avast behind and slaughter belayed, it’s time for our cutlasses ter put paid to the scurvy knaves, hahaaarrr…..
Labour Benches: Loud pandemonium
Speaker Bilko: Will the Member for Bolsover kindly stop playing the pandemonium…..order! order! Where’s my order of large fries with mayonnaise?
Mr A. Burnham: Oh my God look, our beloved Leader has shot himself through sheer frustration at not getting a straight answer from the Prime Minister he told me beforehand he was going to do it what a shame he isn’t here to contradict me….
Mr P. Hammond (pointing, with hint of smile): your name may be Burnham, but I spy a smoking gun….
All eyes turn to see Yvette Cooper stuffing a gun into her handbag…
Mr H. Benn: Self defence! I saw the whole thing! Let’s bomb Sebastapol!
House: Hear hear!
Mr A. Burnham: I propose Yvette Cooper be proclaimed Leader!
37 Blairites: Seconded.
Speaker Bilko: Order! Order! Nothing to see here and that’s an order. As Ms Cooper acted under Parliamentary privilege, I move we vote on the proposed succession…..Ayes!
Diane Blackabbott: No! And 650 more noes!
Bilko: The ayes have it, the eyes have it…stretcher bearer, please remove what remains of Mr Corbynice….
Wild waving of Order papers as Cooper moves to the Front Bench….
Speaker Bilko: And now, the next item is a People’s Petition with 30 million signatures demanding the return in full of all Waspi pensions….
Hysterical members panic and clamber over each other in mad dash for the exits, as MP for Bolsover plays his rendition of Run for Your Life at full blast on the pandemonium…..