In a thinly disguised attempt to spike the guns of Marr & Peston, today The Slog launches Sunday with Slog – a cornucopic catalogue of canny commentary on the cacophony we call IABATO: ‘It’s all bollocks and that’s official.
As another April Fool’s Day came and went with fewer and fewer people noticing either the event itself or the stunts that were pulled, it seemed to me that there was an excellent and obvious reason for this outcome: we are surrounded 24/7 now by news stories so incredible, April 1st has joined other areas of humour like irony and satire in the bin marked ‘pointless’.
And on that sour note, here at Slogger’s Roost we look forward to more of the same to come….
Dateline Brussels, April 1st 2022
EC President for Life Jean-Claude Juncker today announced the construction of a Wall stretching from Esbjerg in Denmark to Seville in Spain in order to discourage multiple attempts by uneducated, swivel-eyed Little Englander drug-dealing scumracist faggots from further Moscow-inspired attempts to destabilise the armed forces of the Peace-loving members of the European Union.
Speaking from a table-top in the famously pacifist Scheissefassen BierKeller in financially transparent Luxembourg, self-confessed teetotaller Herr Bunker pledged to “stop these undesirable British wetbacks from peddling anti-social drugs not half as good as the ones we can import from Egypt thanks to our global buying power among Muslim Brotherhood allies there”.
He went on to explain that British plumbers made destitute by idiotic Anglo-Saxon austerity policies were undercutting ClubMed plumbers made gently poor by the well-meaning monetarist policies of Herr Wolfpack Squabble, and his trusted ally at the European Central Bank, Signor Harry O’Dragnet.
Dateline Beijing, April 1st 2026
Chinese politburo leader Dr No Wei Woi today formally informed the Government of the English PLU’s Republic that the People’s Republic of China would not accept responsibility for the unfortunate accident during initial trials of the Bath Spa Nuclear Power Station last week. Two hours into the trials, the cellophane cover on the four main fission reactors melted as the internal temperature reached Gas Mark IV.
The accident obliterated all human life on the site, which had previously housed the famous Roman Baths. The site was bought and developed for reactor purposes by Cayman Design & Build, a wholly owned subsidiary of BoTimJoYeo Enterprises based in Luxembourg.
In a carefully worded letter to Flat E, 10 Downing Street, Dr No made clear his view that his government had installed thousands of cellophane-capped reactors throughout China, several of which were still standing. He stressed that, despite the name BoTimJoYeo sounding Chinese, the company is in fact owned by Luxembourgeois citizen J-C Juncker – alongside its sister company Yeodorakis Borishagalopolous Taxis, which has its head office in Kalamata, southern Greece.
“Mr Juncker knows nothing at all about this sordid affair, and condemns the attempt to slur his name in this manner,” said an EC spokesperson last night.
Expressing sympathy for the 281,000 vapourised inhabitants of Bath, former MP Mr Tim Yeo also denied any involvement in the venture from his high security cell in Broadmoor. EU Commissioner for Mogherini Affairs Sir Boris Johnson called the outcry “a lot of leftwing poppycock dreamed up by disgruntled Corbynista Red Brigade extremists” and asked for seven counts of Brussels-granted immunity to be taken into account.
Dateline Tannochbrae, April 1st 2029
In a dramatic shootout this afternoon, seventeen Scottish Nazi Party terrorists were shot forty six times in the head from close range while running away from troops of the Fourth Theresa Maytorian Guard near Tannochbrae, somewhere even further north than Manchester and thus of little relevance.
Later, Brigadier Bobbie ‘Mad’ Stewpot confirmed that the long-sought Jockette SNP non-violent extremist renegade Tickler McTrout was among the dead.
“On her body we found a false passport in the name of Allavender Saeed, along with ISIS membership card N° and two tickets for the Africas Cup Final,” said the rumbustuous Brigadier MP.
MI5 Director General Jeremy Hunt told the BBC that the security services had uncovered a plot to explode Iranian-made tectonic bombs from Berwick on Tweed to Gretna Green and then float Scotland off from the rest of the UK. “OK Jeremy, whatever you say is fine by us” the BBC replied.
What is the collective noun for when two serial liars join forces?
Based on the above (somewhat alarming) shot, I might suggest ‘A twoface of liars’. Or perhaps, ‘a cock and bull of liars’. But I think ‘a duplicity of liars’ nails it most succinctly.
For larger groups of political mendacistas – known colloquially as ‘Parties’ – quite a few come to mind – a distortion, a fabrication, a fraud – but I think a treason of liars gets close to it….and a misrepresentation of liars nails it. On the grounds, you see, that we’re alleged to have a Representation of the People Act, but what we really have is the misrepresentation of the People, thanks to our voting system.
There comes a time in the life of every institution and celebrity when they move on from being tedious and/or ineffective to being objects of amusement, and then eventually parodies of their own ghastliness. This has been true, for example, of the Labour Party, Prince Charles, Lord Mandelson, the European Union, Bill Clinton, the News of the World, John McCain, The Guardian, Evangelos Venizelos, Highgate, and the duplicity of liars featured above.
To this all that glitters is not golden array of hasbeens must now be added The Daily Telegraph, a once fine newspaper which had the misfortune to fall into the Canadian frying pan Conman Black, only then to tumble tragically into the raging fire of the Sarklay twins. These two latter Channel Island princelings turned the paper first into the thinking thug’s Daily Mail, and then a sort of local freesheet in which international banking criminals could pay for friendly editorial.
Now that seekers after Truth are no longer required there, whole swathes of subs, writers and other useful brains have been fired in favour of something based in Yorkshire, and more monkeys churning out what they call didgi-oo these days. The didgi-oo of any worth will be behind a paywall, which is almost certainly the best place for it.
As if to prove the charge of parody, this example of the new farmed-out sub-editing appeared in today’s didgi-oo Telegraph:
That’s enough Rock of Gibraltar rock metaphors – Ed (fired)