In a tightly-packed roll of counterfeit notes tonight, Foetuses for Trump, UKIP Nutt who wants it all, May’s big Aussie pests coup, Kim Jong-U goes into Space, and Jeremy Corbyn proposes alliance with Scottish jock-straps
Thousands of new born babies are to form an Alliance against liberal mothers spending too much time brainwashing them about the evils of Trump, and nowhere near enough time getting their tits out. 3 day old LGBT Vanessa Barack Allen told said “Waaawaahwaaawaghleigglewaaahwaah”, while a passing maternity registrar told The Slog, “We have banned the use of offensive banners saying ‘Hate not Hope 4 Trump’ and yesterday afternoon post-natal maternity doors were locked to foil a Sisters Against Pussy Clutching march on the US Embassy”.
Meanwhile, in what could mark the start of a bitter campaign of retaliation, the newly inaugurated President told White House correspondents he would be building a wall around Hollywood to keep liberal actors off the screen.
Paul Nuttall has been confirmed as the UKIP candidate after the other ten candidates on the shortlist withdrew to let him stand as the Party’s best hope in the Stoke-on-Trent by-election. Paul in turn suggested both the Labour and Tory candidates should stand down “as a long overdue gesture to help make the House of Commons more accurately representative of British opinion”. If he then won, Nuttall added, he would call upon the Queen to abdicate in his favour.
In a snub to the European Union, Theresa May has struck a deal with Australia to allow the unlimited immigration into the UK of dunney spiders, redbacks, taipan snakes, kangaroos and Koala bears. The Prime Minister told BBCNews, “All these species will make a major contribution to our fiscal needs, in that the spiders and snakes will kill all the old people, the koalas can be stuffed for Christmas exports, and kangaroo meat is highly nutritious. This will obviate the need to enact Plan A, which was to have been the slaying of every firstborn Labour voter, and obligatory recycling of Waspi pensioners to make eco-friendly leather trousers”.
The PM added that Brexit would now be a clean, cold-turkey, rock-hard and irreversible exit from the single market with none of the soft, three-ply red white and blue trendy tartan bathroom tissue cissy stuff being suggested by Brussels and Philip Hammond. So there.
North Korean leader Kim Jong-Un has unveiled plans to nationalise outer space. At a rally in front of five million hysterical crying persons, Kim vowed to “push back the frontiers of science and technology” to just beyond Pluto, and declare himself King-Mungo-Deux of the People’s Solar Collectivist System.
North Korean television announced that the move “is entirely logical for our glorious leader whose infinite personality dictates that he must become most complete cult in Universe”.
Kim was last year voted World’s Sexiest Man by the Pyongyang Visually Challenged Cured by North Korean Miraculous Medicine Collective.
In a bravely ecumenical move to unite opposition to the burgeoning UK Corporate State, Jeremy Corbyn today called Scots “a nation of deep-fried sugar freaks who couldn’t get out of bed without a step by step guide”, and the SNP “just a bunch of McTory revisionists out to bribe voters with free Scotch and kilts”
Scottish Labour leader Kezia Dugdale praised the Labour leader, and said the pair were in over fifty per cent agreement over the “need to set up the People’s Constitutional McConvention, led by Labour young turk McActivist, to see how best we can reclaim powers and resources and give them back to Brussels”.
Mr Corbyn told journalists that he had once owned a Border Terrier and Scottish fruit had a special place in his jam collection.