News is just coming in that Public Health Tsars are to be to taken out and shot before huge public crowds in a stadium close to you in the very near future. Explaining the move, UN Health Secretary General Cy McStethoknife told a press conference in Anaheim, “It has become increasingly clear over the last few years that 93% of the world’s public think it is unsafe to eat or drink or drive or fly or grow anything on the grounds that it might cause your unadvertised early death from heart attacks, emphysema, strokes, deep vein thrombosis, lead poisoning, diesel infarction, metal fatigue, gout, the bends, grassy knolls, friendly fire, unfriendly central heating, abestosis, lung cancer , bowel cancer, skin cancer, bladder cancer, cancer cancer or München Gladbach syndrome via proxy mixamatosis.”
The UN Health council had therefore decided, (he added) to relieve the current level of social stress and media bollocks by applying public executions to the problem, heretofore and to whit, gobby medics out to become famous by releasing half-baked warnings to the Murdoch, Barclay Brothers and liberal press.
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A new poll conducted across 22 EU member States out today shows that an average 97.4% of citizens across Europe wish their national leader was Vladimir Putin, and not the bunch of useless dicktards screwing things up in their own country.
Commenting on the survey, UK Prime Minister Theresa Maykitallup described the findings as “yet another example of fake news creating non-violent extremism among the uneducated poor who will sadly always be with us or at least they will if I have anything to do with it”.
She also criticised US Secretary of State Ken Tucky for interfering in the politics of NATO ally Israel, and vowed to send 20 members of the Dad’s Army cast to Gaza as a warning to someone or other.
In a swift reaction to having been comprehensively shut out of all settlement negotiations in Syria, outgoing US President Barfly Tombola expelled the entire 12th Grade of Russian Embassy students for slacking during the run in to their examinations on the subject of The Illegal Moscow-inspired Coup d’état against beloved People’s Heroin Hillary Peron.
Russian Foreign Minister Sergey Vickvaporub responded in typically Muscovite style by throwing Beeg Meerkat Parrutee and dreekink “to poor health of arrogant Schwarze now on way out orv Vite Hoss hahahahahahah”.
Diplomatic correspondent of The Independent Ms K T Hopscotch observed that Donald Trump was just the chap to teach those Russkies a lesson they won’t forget and that he could lunge for her black cat any time he liked fnar fnar and fuck off all you bleeding heart Waspis get a fucking life like what I done.
My apologies for the late and brief nature of this post today. Normal service with Microsoft, France Telecom, Mozilla Firefox and WordPress may or may not return tomorrow.
The Slog 