In a pan-Galactic interstellar scoop, The Slog has acquired the rights to an occasional column from Mother Theresa, British head of the Order of The Sisters of Extremely Finite Mercy.
Dear Fellow Sisters,
I’m sure it will come as no shock to you that I believe The Lord helps those who help themselves. Indeed, the House of Lords was founded upon this principle. And so for this reason alone, I must condemn the vile actions of Waspi Women in trying to pretend that they are worth a pension when they clearly do not understand how strapped we in the Order of Extremely Finite Mercy are. Following the teachings of Our Lord Jesus Christ who died on the Cross for all of us but some more then others, we have helped ourselves to 23 billion smackers, in the knowledge that this paltry sum merely represented the Nothing Left thing that we had misrepresented to you. To turn nothing into that much dosh is a feat on a par with the feeding of the Five Thousand with Fish n Chips.
Most responsible citizens would be in awe of this achievement, but not the Waspi Women. I shall pray for them tonight.
As a true Christian, I find it hard to stand idly by and watch these lamentable attacks upon poor immigrants who arrive on these shores with nothing beyond the simple desire to destroy our culture of divisive debate about everything forever.
I refer of course to the scurrilous attempt by some to deport the Aboriginal Mr Rupert Umerdcockfellah purely on the grounds of his deprived upbringing as the son of an upper class millionaire newspaper proprietor.
Since coming to this country, Rupert has brought us many benefits. Not only has he for nearly fifty years now selflessly relieved the HMRC of its burdensome task of calculating his tax liability, he has single-handedly brought the greatest footballing talent on Earth to our world class Premier League. He has transformed braindead nohopers like Wayne Rooney, Gary Saltun-Vinegar, Paul Gasbrain and Yves St Laurent Koscielny into role models challenging every refereeing decision, while extending the national pastime of paedophilia into our national game.
Sisters, all Mr Umerdcockfellah wants to do is claim back the natural ownership of Sky from those Non Violent Extremists who stole it from him by inventing a lot of trumped up poppycock about his loyal staff hacking the phones of depraved celebrities in 2012.
We owe it to those colonials less well off than ourselves to give them a chance in this, my Great Britain, where Red, White, Black, Blue, bungled Brexit and daily security alerts ensure that Britain is a country where everyone is worked up and overworked, and where more and more homes are built in order to encourage BT Outreach to give a half-decent Broadband service to those living in the few remaining Third World rural areas.
Yours with all the sincerity in my Soul,