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Dr Saul Bollocks

 

 


At the macro level, I despair of the Mayflower Government that promised so much in the way of cleverly disguised bollocks, and yet now peddles risible spin. But I applaud it at the micro level, because the Maynots call me in to advise them more and more…and each time they do, my fees increase. (The psychology of pricing is an important subject, in which I hold the Chair at the University of Nukus)

Yet again, the problem is Brexit. There was hard and soft, then black white and grey, but now we’ve moved into Theresacolor with Red White and Blue. Brexit means Brexit, but the Government has turned yellow after being pounded black and blue by the green envy of those who lost a very clearly black-and-white referendum. To be true blue to the People’s decision, what we need here is the green light to give Brexit the red carpet treatment: enough of the purple prose, if you want the sensible folks to be tickled pink get on with it…adopt the black arts of Blair Campbell Bell. Issue a series of smears suggesting that Merkel sexually abuses brown sausages, and Jean-Claude Bunker is selling Agent Orange to White Supremacists. Three cheers for smears, they last for years.


Vladimir Putin contacts me to ask if I can help him with the design of a Think Tank capable of dealing with rough terrain such as the European Commission, the Pentagon, Michael Fallon, John McCain, Western media, Con Coughlin, Federica Mogherini and 50 British Squaddies on his Polish border.

He is a dangerous fellow, and clearly out to weaken our resolve by suggesting that all those fine people and organisations do not engage in thought. Of course they do. Indeed, they have but one thought: the effective demonising of this Russian grizzly bear.

I have sent him away with a flea in his ear. He is now a bear with a sore head, and we can only hope that it convinces him he is no match for Western strategy.


The Oxbridge Standards Board has offered me a place on its prestigious question-generation sub-Committee in charge of setting tough current affairs examination subjects. I of course accepted with alacrity. Al is a long-time colleague, and always good company in such matters, and the money isn’t bad either given they are quite happy to pay Acrity et moi in cash.

We have already generated three brain-twisters as follows:

  1. Assess in full with diagrammatic evidence the positive and negative effects of single markets on single mothers before and after Brexit.
  2. “The Damson is in distress” (Greenpeace CEO Franck Stahltrot) Discuss with particular reference to genetically modified Liberal Democrats.
  3. Is the free movement of monkeys among typewriters conducive to literary alliteration or obligatory obliteration? Extra points will be awarded to students considering the output of Katie Hopkins, Polly Toynbee, Daniel Hannan and Owen Smith.