mesmile Anger at the mind-boggling ability of Government MPs to position SNP/Waspi demands as “unrealistic” is not good for my bp – especially when it comes on the same day as the RBS version of realistic. So I apologise in advance if this post offends some readers. But humour is, at times, the only possible resort if one is to avoid dying of a stroke.


Speaker: Order, order, order or der whole lotta yerz will be sent to bed with no subsidised HoC Scotch to send you off to the land of Nod, otherwise known as the House of Lords.

On the order paper, the next debate is the parlous condition of the Royal Bank of Scotland – the Chancellor of the Exchequer, Philip Hamshank.

Hamshank: Mr Speaker, it is most gratifying to see so many members giving of their free time to turn up today and speak in the cause of a forgotten social group from whom they have little to gain apart from the odd non-executive directorship. I refer of course to the disgraceful injustice done to RBS bankers being asked to wait another six months for their bonuses, while Women’s rugby players breeze through life at the expense of the taxpayer simply because….I will give way….

Speaker: The Shadow Chancellor Mr Che Madonna…

Madonna: On a point of information Mr Speaker, the women to which the honourable gentleman refers are called Waspis, not Wasps, and do not play Rugby.

Hamshank: I am grateful to the right honourable gentleman for his customary kindness in letting me off the hook so easily but this debate is about genuine poverty not a lot of lesbians who think they can tell us all what to do….

Govt backbenches: Heeeaagh Heeeeeagh

Hamshank:….while bankers with hard-spending families are left on the breadline and quite often the central line with no tax-free money available as non-doms to cough up for new Lamborghini bi-turbo au pairs as promised to the Mrs last April….I will give way…

Madonna: Further point of information Mr Speaker, the Lamborghini bi-turbo is a car not an au pair…

Hamshank: Clearly the honourable gentleman has not seen our au pair

Govt backbenches: Guffaw Guffive Gusix

Hamshank: This kind of shame being brought upon ordinary hard-sniffing Conservative supporters is totally unacceptable in a civilised society, and I therefore ask the House today to give their full support to the blank ch-outline Bill I am sponsoring in order to give immediate relief to hard-driving, hard up bankers who have fallen upon hard times when it was all Freddie Goodwin’s fault for listening to Gordon McDoom….

Opposition Benches: Shame! Shame! Shame old story….mine’s a treble!

Speaker: Order! Order! The Chancellor may grin like a cheeky little brat, but he must be seen and heard….but that’s enough hard metaphors if you please…

Hamshank: I am grateful, Mr Speaker, and I shall be heard, for if this great House is nothing else, it is most assuredly – as a constituent said to me last week – “something else”. It is utterly intolerable that non-violent extremists wearing purple sashes and demanding the impossible in times of austerity should be allowed to hold illicit and seditious Tupperware parties, moaning about something that happened in 1955 when the overwhelming minority of British people have voted Conservative so wisely, and an uneducated majority for Brexit so ill-advisedly….

Govt Benches: Hayooorgh Horrr Hair Harrr

Hamshank:….furthermore Mr Speaker, I’m sure many loyal English people will join with me in deploring the manner in which a rabble of nationalist Jocks led by the Woman in Black have used this issue in order to give false hope to rebellious uppity tarts who think that paying into a State Pension somehow entitles them to a payout….

SNP Benches: See here Jammy nahoothefeck are yooo lookin’ art fechrissakes…

Speaker: Order! Order! Orderly….eject that Caledonian gentleman, he is drunk.

Hamshank:…. thank you Mr Speaker…let’s face facts, if everyone demanded a payout from things they’d paid into, then good Lord, imagine what a pickle we’d be in. Everyone must realise that in this, the new reality of eternal growth and infinitely shifting sands, every investment is a risk and everyone paying into a pension fund is a creditor…

Govt Benches: Hirrr Hurrah Heer sorry, we’ve run out of vowels

Hamshank: But Mr Speaker, these pros- sorry des -titute RBS victims who paid nothing at all into their bonus funds are now being asked to carry the can, take the hit, shoulder the burden, bear the cross and face the music. This is a gross infringement of their human rights….I will give way…

Madonna: ….I would ask the right Honourable Gentleman whether he has evidence I don’t that bankers are human…

Opposition Benches: Hahahahahaha good show Che hahahahahahaha

Hamshank: If I may say so sir, that is flippant, irrelevant, pissant and totally ignorant: the fact is that bankers are uncommonly civil, and their civil rights must not be trampled on…

Govt benches: Grr Woof dribble bark

Hamshank: …if we are to call ourselves a free, democratic, liberal, caring and fair society playing strictly on a level dance floor and deploring the antics of Fatty Balls. Mr Speaker, I commend this measure to the House.

Speaker: Mhairi Blackadder

Blackadder: Thanyke mastar Speaka. Ah’m trying very hard ti get my brain roond this, bat is the Chansloor rally so fuula gorbshite he canna see that…

Speaker: The chair does not understand the honourable lady – for the benefit of this House could she please speak English English?

Blackadder: My apologies, Mr Speaker. We on these benches are taking time out from swopping Sassenach dictatorship for Sprout dictatorship simply because we believe that all women even Sassenach women deserve better than a stuffed courgette as their DWP Secretary of State…I will give way….

Sir Barnaby Woncell (Con): Does the honourable lady accept that asking taxpayers to put the clock back twenty years on behalf of Waspi wombats is utterly unrealistic, unaffordable, unacceptable, unprecedented….

Speaker: Could somebody please kick the honourable member for Lower Cunnington, he appears to be stuck again…

Woncell: ….unspeakable, ungrate ow! That’s better.

Blackadder: No, I refuse to accept that the Waspi proposal is unacceptable. Since 2008, RBS has cost English imperialists £2000 zillion in welfare and now the prick opposite thinks he can….

Woncell: Point of order Mr Speaker, my right honourable friend the Chancellor is a snake, not a prick.

Speaker: Yesyesyesyes….can we get on with it, I have an urgent appointment with Keith Vaz…

Blackadder: …the snake opposite, that is, the um boa constrictor…

Woncell: Hesitation, Mr Speaker

Speaker: Quite right, you have 90 seconds on altered reality starting now…

Woncell: The Secretary of State Dame Green has already stated that there is only £23 billion left in the DWP budget and this has already been unringfenced in order to pay for his recent allowable installation of a solid-gold codpiece in his groi…

Blackadder: Deviation, Mr Speaker…

Speaker: Correct, you now have sixty seconds on deviants, starting now…

Blackadder: Mr Keith Vaz is not only deviant but also devious in that he has introduced to this House a measure to give rent boys index-linked pensions without declaring a personal interest in the issue but I hope that even he can see that this RBS relief fund is a weapon of mass distraction designed to reward banker failure while at the same time punishing innocent grandmothers by not coughing up the richly promised gelt on time.

SNP Benches: Ooble urble aye bastaards tattibogle kilt

Speaker: Mr Che Madonna…

Madonna: First of all Mr Speaker, may I ask the House to join me in saying a fond farewell and mind how yer go to the recently departed father of Cuban socialist democracy and determined anti-fascist hairdresser, Vidal Castro.

It is worth pointing out I think that in Cuba, the retirement age is 50 for men and 40 for women. In a country where the female life expectancy is 39, this will stand forever as a monument to gender equality.

In Cuba Mr Speaker, it is the custom to garotte any banker earning more than 300 Pesos a decade. It is high time that the Ministers opposite learned these lessons of history and took firm action against female toenail mutilation in Angola, male penis extensions in Uzbeckistan, and transistor radios in Poland….

Opposition Benches: zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Speaker: The member for East Twee, Caelocanth Bucket…

Bucket: Mr Speaker, I sense that the time for plain speaking has arrived. Myself and my right honourable fiends on this side of the House would greatly prefer it if my right honourable friend the Chancellor would simply make it clear that he gives not a flying fuck for starving Waspis, but will keep stuffing bonuses up banker bums until the bloody cows come home because without their donations we’d all have to find a proper job and let’s face it who cares about daft old grannies singing corny anthems the old biddies don’t vote for us anyway so let them rot.

Speaker: The Secretary of State for Work & Pensions, Dame Green…who if I may say so is looking resplendent in a delightful ball gown speckled with gold stars sewn on for him by the Waspi Five.

Green: Mr Speaker, I am bored and my good friend Lady Fishnet-Discipline beckons on my mobile phone….so I shall be brief. I have met with these deranged Waspi women and my proposal is that we fob the old hags off with a few quid a week. This will enable my right honourable friend the Prime Minister to drivel on about remedial measures even though these thick old bints don’t deserve a penny. Thereafter, the rest of the Cabinet can use this as a legal precedent for thrusting the longest yard brush they can find up the back passage of everyone except us after 2020. Mr Speaker…..

The Speaker is on his mobile phone.

Speaker (hushed tones): Look Keefy, just keep them amused. I’ll be there just as soon as this pointless window dressing is finished.