mesmile Members of the progressive Leftlib persuasion should be warned at the outset: this piece is satire, to be taken daily but not seriously. Equally, those worried about strong language should switch over to Channel Four where they can hear lie after lie free from the encumbrance of vulgarity. 


Do you ever get fed up of conspiracy theories? Accepting the reality that Libor, Newscorp and DWP embezzlement all turned out to be true, I see so many trotted out in this my somewhat sad virtual existence, it seems at times like ‘down the rabbit hole’ just doesn’t cut it as a descriptor. Some of these folks are down a JCB hole heading for the centre of the Earth. I see blokes arriving at Bilderberger who can’t get out of the car without falling on their noses, and then read later in my weekly email from Green Lizards of the Fractured Pentacle that they are senior members of the Mossad Elders and they run everything.

What, everything? The local bingo hall? My bath water of a morning? A mile in under four minutes? Even Father Christmas doesn’t claim to be that good.

Whenever violence takes place anywhere at any time, it’s a false flag. Nobody ever asks what the real flag is; is it a white flag, the UN flag, or a skull and crossbones? Now even people have become false flags: For some on the libertarian Right, Donald Trump is a false flag and he didn’t even get inaugurated yet. If he turns up for the ceremony in the Turin Shroud, I might change my mind; but for the moment, my verdict is he’s a narcissist arsehole and a very shrewd judge of what to do who doesn’t GAF for protocol. Especially the Protocols of Zion, or whatever they’re calling them this week.

Maybe Protocol is a false flag. Maybe it’s a secret drug developed by the bureaucrats to blind everyone else to just how greedy, stupid and hopelessly slapdash they are. It’s like Paracodal only even more fun. Listen, I’d be willing to bet that Protocol is being used recreationally by everyone from the US Department of Justice to the Department of Work & Pensions in London.

“So whadda we tell the Waspis now, guys?”

“Shit I dunno – tell ’em a Big Boy stole the surplus and ran away to the fuckin’ circus. Tell ’em we’re possessed by the Devil and he told us to do it….tell ’em any fuckin’ cock n bull, that Anne Keen Jeez…she’ll swallow any old….say, d’yer think she’s a false flag?”

The Minister at the DWP is called Damien, right? Is that the name of the Devil’s son, or does the Pope shit in the woods? It’s as clear as the nose on your face. If you’ve got one that is. If you haven’t, no offence. Really. Does your bum look big in a ball gown? If so, there’s some spare right there: plastic surgeons these days, they can rebuild anything with anything. Course, if you start having nasal diarrhea they won’t wanna know, but that’s surgeons for you.

So anyway, all these lizards, elders, agents of Beelzebub, Mossadistas and banker conspiracies add up to one thing: if you really don’t like a certain group of people in society, invent a conspiracy theory about them. Trust me, nobody comes out of them well.

It worked for the Nazis. It worked for the feminists. It’s working for the Holocaust denialists. It’s working for Theresa May. It’s starting to work for the Islamists. As a result, Jews, men, Jews, the Poor and Jews walk around the entire day feeling uncomfortable. As it’s been like that since ancient Egyptian times, well – there’s the proof it works. Every day I spread anti-shark fluid in my pool. Result: no sharks. It stands to reason.

It can work for you. But more to the point – because I’m a selfish, dick-obsessed, scumbigot white male fascist – it can work for meeeeee.


Let’s stop being namby-pamby and correct about this shit, there’s no shortage of groups we’d like to give, as their Christmas present this year, truly right down to the toes smelly five-star pariah status. We’d all have different groups of course, and that’s why we have to be Benthamite about it.

Jeremy Bentham was not a Corbyn, and certainly not a Hunt. Jeremy believed in the greatest fulfilment of the greatest number. He didn’t have a mile-wide nutjob ideology or an engorged ego, or a systemic set of hate-arrows, pigeon-holes and scapegoats: he just had a plan. His philosophy was, “let’s make life as mutually enjoyable for the overwhelming majority of citizens as possible”.

During Bentham’s lifetime, the average British citizen was working a 27-hour day with no lunch break for one groat a week in the garbage factory. The oppressor classes pretended that without hand-refined garbage, everything would fall apart: the next step would be local councils and garbage collectors….after which, it would be helter-skelter all the way down the sewers. It was going to be worse than living in Walsall.

It was all a conspiracy of course, and the garbage thing was a false flag. But not the Walsall smear: that was right on the money. Walsall is the living embodiment of a very unpleasant slur that turns out to be total veracity. Nobody knows why. It’s just one of those flags that is as real as the need to pee first thing in the morning. The Walsall City flag comprises a steaming turd on a vomit background: its fearless honesty is an example to us all.

But things have changed since Bentham’s time. In 2016, life for maybe – what? – 20% of the citizenry is pretty damn good: aeroplanes, restaurants, school runs using gigantic urban tractors, holidays, dishwashers, affairs and private medicine are involved. There are dinner parties, jobs, salaries, pensions, theatre tickets and Christmas trees decorated from fairy to bucket in what Laurence Roderick Llewelyn-Bowen has decreed is The Thing this year.

Now an advance from 0.003% to 20% is I suppose evidence of progress. But it doesn’t alter the fact that for most of the remaining 80%, life is one of those never-ending nightmares in which you are trying to escape from Walsall, but your feet keep getting sucked back by quicksand made of goose-droppings. You struggle out of the birdshit, and run frantically into the countryside, only to see the next town sign. It says ‘Walsall’.

You see, the thing Bentham wasn’t into was hate crime. Today, the Leftlibs feel the same way, except they’re also into exceptions. The exceptions are called Everyone They Hate. In the Catechism of the Leftlibs according to St Hillary, it’s a crime to hate some short-trousered, genitalia-mutilating, serial beheader peace-loving Islamic, but not to hate a white man because he points out painful truths and is a bit of a twat at times. I’m thinking Nigel Farage here, but feel free to insert your own personal male boor.

So the added ingredient (if you’re fully determined to pervert Benthamite philosophy) is to hate those who like, so deserve to be hated, hating them is a social service entirely free of social workers. Hating them is on a par with drinking non-addictive alcohol that gets everyone drunk as a skunk with zero violence. Hating them is, in short, vital to the survival of civilisation.

The trick is to smear, slur and spread malicious conspiracy-to-false-flag gossip about a group who are (a) genuinely,  incalculably awful; (b) in a way that evokes the response “Yes, I’ve often thought that”; and (c) who by their very existence negate everything dear old JB was trying to achieve.

That’s to say, a HateGroup which demonstrably fucks up lives beyond the worst nightmares of Bentham…way beyond even the 21st century norm of Walsallness.

As the wrongfully accused Rolf Harris was wont to ask in happier times, “Can yer see wodidisyet?”

Of course you can: it’s the lawyers.


Now some of you out there are lawyers. One of your number out there, let’s be fair, keeps me beyond the clutches of Carter Ruck et al for no money payment whatsoever. But he is one among a community numbering hundreds of thousands. Let’s be clear re this one, lawyers take the simple and make it complicated. And this is the wish of all those who are paid by the hour.

In commercial law, they produce judgements about nuts and trace elements that provide work for their colleagues and money for the criminally litigious. In social law, they find trees guilty for being hit by pisshead cyclists. In divorce law, they take civilised agreement and turn it into underwater no-holds-barred wrestling. And judicially, they pronounce from the Bench like dinosaurs given an ill-advised brainectomy.

And here’s the best bit: nobody’s picking on the lawyers.

So what follows is my not entirely scoped out rough guidelines for starting a conspiracy theory about why lawyers do what they do.

We have a good starting point in that a lot of lawyers are Jews. So it’d be easy to get some ancient temple, world-control shit in there.

I would propose the invention of a 4,000 year old body, the Judicial Elders of the Law Society Tablets.

This group is composed of fanatical New World Order lawmakers who believe themselves to be the sole direct and unpolluted descendants of Israelites who took God’s Ten Commandments and then used Masons to change the stone-chiselled laws into a set of censorious demands designed to keep all human beings in a state of permanent misery.

Moses took these pernicious, child-abusing bestial Masonic corrupters up to the Mount, there to change the Ten Commandments into something entirely different to what fun-loving God really intended. Reproduced below from ancient Hebrew texts found at the bottom of my garden by the fairies this morning are the original commandments:

  • I am the LORD thy God and let me tell you I am one funky guy and if there’s one thing I can’t abide it’s fuckin’ legal beagles
  • Thou shalt have all the Gods you need and don’t let any ambulance-chasing Islamist lawyer tell you any different
  • Craven images & likenesses are bullshit offences invented by lawmakers
  • Take the LORD‘s name in vain if you’re goddamned angry with corporate lawyers after a day spent in a room with these reptiles
  • Remember the sabbath day on which no matter how many neocon solicitors tell you otherwise is yours to fritter away on loose women and strong drink if the mood so takes you
  • Honour you father and mother up to but not exceeding the point where they suggest the Law offers a nice steady job
  • Killing people is wrong we’re told – and you know who made it so? Fuckin’ pinched goblin sadistic Judges, that’s who
  • Commit adultery all you want but keep lawyers the fuck out of the consequences
  • Thou shalt steal if the taxation bastards steal off you using fictitious rationales invented by moneygrubbing tax lawyers
  • Do not bear false witness against those who would never do it to you. This absolves you from worrying about lying to low down two-faced mendacious briefs representing gold-mining abuse accusers.
  • Covet everything you don’t have that others do, otherwise neocon legals acting for globalist gargoyles will make it illegal to go a single day without maxing out your credit cards, and then once you have they’ll aid in the process of repossessing your home along with all your pets.

Are you ready to hate these people? You betcha!


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