Dr Saul Bollocks writes

The Opposition Immigration Spokesperson Diane Abbott has approached me to advise her on the subject of hate crime. She has certainly come to the right place, as this is a form of bullying that has followed me around for much of my adult life. Having as I do so many friends in high places – and many a strong opinion – I find that the underachievers of this world become quickly resentful of one’s influence; that, and my tendency to write to them suggesting they give back to the State all the oxygen they have selfishly used up during their pointless lives.

Having met Ms Abbott for the first time earlier this week, however, I must confess to a deal of confusion about where she stands on the issue. As she came to greet me in Westminster Hall, for instance, I couldn’t help noticing that the Labour Spokesperson is a black woman and rather big. A lifetime spent watching my fellow species members closely has honed my natural talent for this kind of observation to something approaching pefection.

It soon became apparent – as we got down to the nitty-gritty, and I had afterwards adjusted my clothing – that her interest in the subject of hate did not seem to extend much beyond racism, sexism and fattism. When I pointed out that her stern view about such hatred was something of a Win Treble for her, the lady became truculent, and asked if I ever read the Daily Telegraph. I was able to answer in complete honesty that I didn’t. For myself, I read both the Mail and Express in order to form a balanced view of current events. But the Opposition Spokesperson didn’t ask me about those newspapers.

“I see myself as a spoke,” she confessed, following a beguiling peroration on the struggles of the obese Afro-Caribbean peoples in their determination to break down the barriers of education by sending children to private schools . I encouraged her to elucidate on her summary, and this she did.

“Being a spokesperson on the unrelenting Left,” she began with an air of pragmatic rigidity, “is about putting spokes into the wheels of fascist bigotry masquerading as progress. In that historical Marxist dialectical process, I am but one humble spoke”.

She spoke at great length about being a spoke, but did not – I confess – strike me as a person likely to have eaten much in the way of humble pie. Looking back, I see her now as more of an ‘eat all the pies from Melton Mowbray’ type of girl. Eventually, she concluded thus:

“You know, life teaches the socialist a simple lesson: those with double standards always want double helpings”.

I had not the remotest clue what she was on about. But I do not see this initial contact moving forward towards the monetary reward space.

I can at last go public with a field of controversial research in which I have been engaged now for some eight years. This involves a trend towards the more spacious chimney being specified by architects involved with new housing developments situate on green belt flood plains.

As many of you at my élite level of awareness will already know, ever since the last round of floods caused by Brexit concerns, the Conservative government has quite rightly taken the decision to ignore the bleating of ecological sheep and press ahead with building anything everywhere, except perhaps on the slopes of openly active volcanoes.

But the secretive development of wider chimneys continues to exercise my attention. I think it obvious that these more capacious chimneys above open fires (much preferred by Tory-voting traditionalists) will pave the way for more spawn of the Poor to end up being employed as chimney sweeps.

I regard this as an excellent idea, but cannot understand why the spineless Mayflower Conservatives are so keen to hide it. There is nothing else to be done with the feckless offspring of informal Underclass lust, and all right-minded decent people understand that perfectly well.

We of the neoconservative radical persuasion must stop worrying about what all these tree-hugging jam makers think, and focus instead on a determination Not To Turn Back. The markets are about to decide that interest rates will rise once more, and as always the markets are right.

Investors will be given more return on their capital, they will buy flood plain houses, children will be shoved up chimneys to help support their absent parents without you and I having to do so, and governments will have to pay more to borrow against the debts they so foolishly ran up over many decades.

That in turn will result in another bout of austerity forcing chimneysweep wages down, flood plain water levels up, and old people out of their homes. It is, dear reader, the natural order of things….and will help young people onto the housing ladder once more.

Say what you like, neoconservative globalism is a system in perfect balance. Like a finely-oiled chronometer, it should not be put into the care of those who do not understand such things. As Wall Street College professor G. Gecko said thirty years ago, “Greed is good”. Arguing against such obvious wisdom is futile.

Earlier at The Slog: Murdoch plays his Trump card