mesmileLet’s not be unfair to Keith Vaz: he is, after all, campaigning to get back onto a Standards Committee. I really don’t see what all the fuss is about: he is a standard-issue MP – bent as a nine-bob note – and has done more than any other single legislator to lower standards. Who better to advise his colleagues on just how low things could get?

I have the same feelings when I read that many in Europe think of Jean Claude Juncker as “a bully”. I mean, be fair: that is just a two-dimensional cardboard piece of decency knee-jerk, isn’t it? We need to look at the all the myriad facets of this Diamond Geezer: now, were you to say to me, “mendacious pisshead tax evading unelected corporate fascist” I’d say close, close – harsh but fair.

You may have spotted a theme of fairness coming through here. Everyone wants fairness, right? Unfairness is like, totally unacceptable. That’s why so many American demonstrators working with Moveon.org have been protesting against the totally unfair election of Donald Trump by gnashing their teeth and renting their garments. I’ve never rented a second-hand garment in my life. I hope I never will. But you never know. And these folks never will. Know, that is.

I will never understand or even want to know what makes Louise Mensch tick, but I will always be eternally grateful to her for locking her Twitter account today. You see, this means that henceforth, only other members of her species will ever see her tweets. Her action represents a form of selfless philanthropy on a hitherto unimagined scale. Well done Doggie, and ruff-ruff.

Talking of philanthropy, the European Union thinks it entirely possible that its third stage charitable bailout of Greece will go through this year. Greater love hath no Union for a member that it might present this debtup as a bailout, and thus continue to put that engorged member to the upside into Greece’s unfortunate backside. How we all love Saint Eunatic the Merciful.

Hypocritical sexism of the worst kind reared its ugly head again this week when  differing media coverage was awarded to two foreigners purely on the random basis of gender. So it was that caring Hedge Fund Manager Gina Millar and sensitive Foreign Secretary Boris Johnson were awarded, respectively, a bad and good press. I am wholeheartedly disgusted by this kind of appalling bigotry that makes me ashamed to be British, a man, useless and unable to multi-task. Given they are both quite obviously equal in their ability to float on the surface of sewers the world over, they should be excoriated with scrupulously identical venom.

And finally, tonight on X-Factor some original new acts were showcased singing unoriginal old songs, while a panel of encouraging old windbreakers gave generously of their time in order to coach the young people involved in these acts on the art of preparing for a future in nostalgic Northern Clubland cabaret. The theme tonight was Disco. By the time I decided to switch channels, it was pretty obvious that new Opera sensation Godiva Callous wasn’t entirely at home in the genre.