The CIA, FBI, KGB, MI5, Sureté, Tonto and his brother are on the trail of new global terrorist threat, Don Brexit. But so far – despite letting loose the Dogs of Fear – there are no leads. Never, ever let a Dog of Fear off the lead.
Now that the evil Conquistador Don Brexit is rampaging across the planet, Big Things are nervous. Anyone – France, Welsh Steel, the SNP, NATO – could be next. Across the previously decaying High Streets and Main Streets of the western world, where before there were ironmongers and fishmongers, now Fearmongers are opening every day in order to deal with the insatiable demand for counselling about the mystery terrorist. The recently launched Farron-Sturgeon chain is booming, and the chance for the ailing Guardian to latch onto the fear hub is being grasped with both brain cells.
The certainty that a sector’s here to stay becomes clear when Wall Street giant Boldly Sackfolks gets involved. The threat of Don Brexit’s economic and fiscal Jihadism is only three months old, but already there are signs that there’s money to be made in saying it’s going to be catastrophic: investors will be catatonic, the plague will be bubonic, and there’ll be panic in the Boston Philharmonic.
This morning, Sackfolks launches its Guaranteed BS Don Brexit Derivatives Fox-Note which – in a world first – will be marketed through Boombust Fearmonger’s retail outlets.
“We sense,” Boldly head of Terror Management Yu Looz told the FT only yesterday, “that bears are invading the beer space, olive oil groves are in a very bad place, and the French wheat crop may have to endure a ten year tenure of manure failure, after Don Brexit poisoned it. It’s simply a case of doing the Math.”
Now eighteen hours later, the entire United States is hiphop and out in the streets doin’ The Math, whoopin’ and a-hollerin’ as they go crazy for the biggest dance craze since the Twist. Their anthem (released last night by Craprapper on the indie Muddafukka label) is blasting from every automobile in the country:
If yooz a psychopath, then you godda do de Math, cos it is de only path, to put out de global wrath
o’ dat scumfascistbigot Don Brexit
You kin hear de honkey laugh, so you godda do de Math, though you later needs a bath, to cool the heat he hath
dat scumbagmisogynist Don Brexit
Do de Math do de Math, even tho’ yer know it naff, and it only for a laugh, do you want me autograph?
Don Brexit
Yo me bitch it’s a stitch or maybe just a glitch see dat cop he just a snitch
Don Brexit
The Slog 