Saul Bollocks



When I was a gay young blade I thought for at least six months that Cuban heels were the only way to fly. I have a male friend in Ethiopia who totters about in high heels all the time. His preference is also for miniskirts in leather and black fishnet tops. He is, I understand, what is called a TrannyGoth. They are exceedingly rare, but since 2003 they have been recognised by the United Nations as an ideological gender. And a threatened species. Poor devils, they are threatened wherever they go by the Jihadist rock bandits known as Procul Harem.

Heels have everything to do with looking sexy for men, but the lady who penned these words is clearly rather out of touch. Younger colleagues tell me she is married to that young scamp Peers Gorgon – which, they tell me, “is a trial”. I assume they mean in the Kafkaesque sense, although I couldn’t say for certain.

These colleagues also tell me the headline is all about ‘looking sexy for men’, on the spurious grounds that this is what women want to do. The young today are so ignorant: we all know that women were only ever pressed against their will to look sexy by wicked men who forcibly applied conditioner to their hair over many centuries. Now – liberated at last – they don’t bother….as this delightful shot testifies admirably:


Once again, the Prime Minister Theresa Shoebucket rings me in a fit of panic. She is profoundly concerned by the outbreak of shame that is now running out of control in Labour and LibDem strongholds, and fearful of the consequences should this form of mass hysteria spread to her own supporters – a surprising number of whom employ those prone to the condition as zero hours servants.

Shame hysteria is not like listeria, but not much of a mysteria. Like wisteria, it tends to be cultured in middle class homes in radically chic areas of London, before slowly filtering down from the Twattering Classes to the more susceptible minds beneath.

It’s symptoms include an inability to stop writing, shouting, blogging and tweeting “I am ashamed to be….” whatever object of imagined shame might be to hand: a man, British, human,  and so forth. Already some notable TV and film personalities – with none of whom I am familiar – have been infected, causing them to become even more affected. No known treatment is effective: the victim thereafter claims to be ashamed of everything, with the total exception of themselves.

I am to undertake a study of politicians, lawyers, accountants and tabloid journalists, for one of the oddities of mass shame moronia (MSM) is that such people are – among some other professionals – immune to the virus.This explains why Prime Minister Maycos can hear entire elephant herds of evidence proving that State Pension reform has rendered thousands destitute, but ignore the WASPI victims time after time. She has no shame you see, which is something of a blessing for her.

I am battling already, however, with one of the great conundrums of history: why do shameless people do shameful things?

Conun Drums the Brainsmasher, by the way, was an early 13th century TrannyGoth who hailed from Lichtenstein, although it’s not really relevant to this discussion.


My latest scaremongering concept was presented to the New World Order yesterday afternoon, and is to be adopted forthwith. Whether it will be enacted or not depends, however, on the outcome of the exciting electoral contest in the American colonies between Hitlery Klingon and Ronald MacDonald.

Should the latter triumph, however, Operation DonBrex will go forward. This will involve giving greater publicity to the revelation that Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin conspired with Rupert Murdoch and Nigel Farage to destroy the NATO hegemony in Europe, with the eventual aim of creating a new power bloc, the Independent Austro-Barbarian Autonomous Totalitarian Organisation (IABATO).

The revelation is in fact more of an allegation in search of broad dissemination – or put another way, a lie. But of course, like all good liberty-loving democrats, we trust in God who blessed America that on this day Good will be Done, and Lloyd Bankfine can continue to fund his mysterious works.

President Killsome – should she succeed to the family throne – will of course continue to be guided by her close confidante, Human Abacus. Unlike her employer, I understand, she is a Teetolitarian.

It’s all bollocks & that’s official