Dr Bollocks is now so much in demand – given the global publicity awarded to him via The Slog – there are elements here at Sloggers’ Roost quite obviously jealous of his overnight success at the relatively young age of 104. But he continues to defy his detractors with one stunning hindsight after another. In this edition, he delves into Japanese economics, weather control conspiracy theories and the dysfunctionally divided human brain with clinical overconfidence.
Now the Abe Government in Japan calls on me to give them advice. This is irrefutable evidence that rationality is finally going to be victorious in the solution to this, the last small glitch left in the neocon globalist chainsaw puzzle.
Rather than take a tedious flight all the way to a land 37 hours behind me, I have instead emailed the PM Shinzo Abe – a man who, despite his name, is not a Jewish boy – and it shows: listen, what he knows about business you could write on the ass-side of a shekel.
This is my submission:
‘In arriving at this recommendation, I have taken into account the Japanese culture of kamikaze, hari-kiri, violent death, cruelty, and gentle running water in gardens. There is only one way out of your dilemma: you must declare war on yourselves. Suicidal War is an honourable pursuit that will both unite the nation and stimulate domestic consumption in manufactured products eg tanks, guns, bombs, landmines etc – without burdening any national government with peripheral concerns about exports, exchange rates, services, hitech, central banks or disputed South China Sea islands.
The only outstanding issue remaining is therefore what to have a suicidal civil war about. This is not a major problem: you need only tell those for tightening that you are for more easing….while adding that anyone for more tightening is obviously the scumbigot spawn of extra-marital affairs with racist fascist shit-eating pigs.’
I remain intrigued but puzzled by all this talk of entrails in the sky designed to control the weather. Although I once made an in-depth study of entrails as both a Roman and then Romany agent of predicting the future, I have yet to unearth any evidence that intestines or other internal organs have any effect on the weather whatsoever.
Surely, if some agent of evil such as the Putin Empire of Offal were throwing chicken livers and pigs’ bladders out of their aeroplanes, we would notice it? Would not the Health & Safety Executives of 28 27 EU nations be up in arms as they collected evidence of deliberate Russian unhygienic bombing to weaken our resolve?
I mean, really: let’s get back to planet Earth per-leeeeze.
My neuroanatomical studies have collided with my eurostatistical monitoring to create complete confusion. Allow me to explain.
It seems that the left brain hemisphere is more likely to produce findings of a Right wing nature; whereas the right brain is infinitely more likely to evoke feelings that favour Left wing causes. Whoever designed this wiring is clearly a fan of house fires.
It would be better if both hemispheres colluded rather than collided; if that were the case, we would not be faced with results from the EU like today’s examples:
- German car sales down 6%, German job opportunities up to nearly 700,000 – the highest ever, and the biggest in the EU
- French insolvencies at record levels, French PMI scores the highest this year.
Rather, we would get results like these:
- German car sales up 93%, job opportunities alone would wipe out all Chinese unemployment
- France reaches zero insolvencies, paint exports to Poland break all known records.
Can anyone deny that we would all feel more confident if human emotional mendacity was in accord with human empirical observation? Of course not.
This, surely, is our core problem as a species.
The Slog 