Twain This hugely popular new column from guest writer and skilled hindsighter Saul Bollocks continues with some telling observations about the new niche for military holidays, what Walloonimania tells us about the Brexit options, and the astonishing DNA connection between Sir Philizboots Green and Thomas Aquinas.


One of the myriad reasons why so many large corporations pay me enormous fees is that I spot new trends long before most of my more ponderous competitors. How many senior executives in the holidays sector, for example, have noticed the recent dramatic swing away from air travel? I  would contend, “None of them”: but it is real, and it is out there. And by far the biggest gainer is the growing Naval Military Vacation space.

Rear Admiral Blodinear Gorritin of the Russian navy tells me that English Channel cruises are now big business among that country’s more discerning oligarchs.

“The Vodka palace on the Med is just so vchera darling,” he whispered, as we shared a cocktail in Moscow’s recently refurbished Minceski Club, “today’s big swinging dicks are out there and right behind the navy boys in their bid to turn every dark crisis into a white Christmas”.

In turn, US Navy human resources guru Shay Pup waxed lyrical on the opportunities for American alpha males to experience Cold War thrills while basking in the diplomatically raised temperature of South China Sea vacations.

“Right now we have over 20,000 bookings for a tour of disputed islands in the region,” he told me, “and our parent company Pentagon Holidays is looking at further hardware investment to give customers more bang for their buck”.

Equal enthusiasm was displayed by UK Deputy Naval Underminister “Jolly” Roger de Banister as we dined aboard HMS Brinkmanship during its Yangste River sailing alongside sister ship HMS Chorister.

“I’ve checked with our barrister Alistair Canister,” he enthused, “and he assures me there is nothing sinister in the Royal Navy holding sea trials on a Chinese river, provided we reregister as peace-flotilla providers from Filibuster Holidays of Axminster”.

Mr de Banister said he was “confident that this venture will enable us to put petrol into the fleet at Scapa Flow in order to improve the cash-flow required to sail out into the Channel, sink RFS Putin, and thus commence World War III on schedule”.


Oh dear, just when things are going so well in the EU, it is a shame to see this vindictive attempt by Canada to do Wallonia down. But that is the problem with big States, I have found, on my myriad travels to discover new ideas and escape old creditors: they like nothing better than bullying small bits of plucky Belgium.

If only the Leave bigots in the UK so desperate to jump off the cliff into the unknown of unfettered trade outside the EU could grasp that this sort of outcome is exactly what Theresa May is going to experience when she negotiates with Europe from the arrogant stance of Hard Brexit.

She is not, after all, in a position of strength. 52% is only a little more than a Half Brexit. But half a Brexit is better than none, as Tommy Steele once wisely remarked.

My advice to the Prime Minister is to go for Nice Brexit. This is the sort of thing that has worked so well for the WASPI campaign, and I see no reason why the same tactics shouldn’t apply. I would include such activities as Vides Greniers in Belgium, Rule Britannia rallies in Berlin, and dropping sherbert bombs on Mr Jerrybuilt Drivelbung’s head.


Talking of Tommy Steele, very few people these days have heard of Tommy Aquinas, the  admirer of Greek taxi driver Harry Stotle. Stotle was infamous for his platonic relationship with Alexander the Ingrate, but what very few people beyond the very few people who know about Tommy don’t know is that he was a direct ancestor of the equally infamous sailor-tailor “Sir” Philharmonic Greenbacks.

People who know something about Aquinas pooh-pooh this theory, but my exhausting research is conclusive, inclusive and – I think – persuasive. You only have to look at these two shots side by side to see the uncanny resemblance between the two men:

greenaquinasAquinasgreen.PNG

  Phil              Tommy

There are days when I think my greatness has no borders. This probably explains why I am such an unalloyed fan of the European Union.