Twain At subordinate expense, The Slog has acquired the services of the hugely admired and widely unknown socio-economic surrealist commentator Dr Saul Bollocks. After reading the Riot Act at the Sorebum in Paris during the late 1920s, Saul took a further degree in Equestrian Jazz at the University of Aintree before studying under a  degree of suspicion at the Aardvark Business School. His brief in these columns is to make those with very little to smile about smile a little more than might be reasonably expected.


The Camerlot steed HS2 (not to be confused with the H2S, a windy anus-powered alternative travel form developed by Ms Knickerless Surgeon) pluckily attempts this week to rise above its association with speed by suggesting that the railway project “is more about connection than speed”.

The unfortunate association with speed stems from the letters ‘HS’, which somewhat inconveniently stand for High Speed. But personally, I am pleased to see the Government giving a lower priority to haste.

Speed is indeed not everything, especially when the need for the speed is Not Proven. Thus, those aboard the steed have decreed that the creed of greed is less than the back of the envelope and the speed of the antelope, but can’t as such stand up to the inspection of the direction of connection.

I remember well how Benjamin Dizrailway got to work and single-handedly dug the Sewage Canal in order to finally link Benkhazi Junction with Joe Hannah’s Burger Joint in South Africa. In those more innocent times, speed was not of the essence. So it is good to see Conservative policy for the future feeding upon our glorious Imperial past. A lack of speed is gradually permeating every government policy, most notably in the areas of airport expansion, Chilcot enquiries, State pension embezzlement, and referendum results.

I for one am pleased to see this: cool, calm and considered chaos is to be applauded.


Nor should we be hasty when judging the recent decision of Mark Carnage to cut the Bank of England’s rates of interest. My personal experience of Threadneedle’s old lady is that she’s not particularly interested in anything very much, least of all modern financial constructs. I am sure she finds them somewhat overcomplicated, overrated and misunderstood.

Furthermore, Mr Carthage’s colleagues Miss Poke and Miss Hurd are at pains to point out that Miss Threadneedle is infinitely more interested in the question of what the fuck has happened to her State Pension, and the whereabouts of two infamous confidence tricksters popularly known as The Wizard of Ozborne and Iain ‘Dunkin’ Doughnut.

New DWP boss Mr Damien Greenshield-Stamps is unable to cast light upon the matter. His supporters plead in mitigation that he has (a) inherited the mess left behind by private sector consultants Ozborne Doughnuts Inc, and (b) is certifiably dead.


Mr Carnage is, however, powerless to raise the rate of interest displayed by Captain Imelda Maycos and her pirate crew on the Mayflower. The ship sailed on the noon wench last July 11th, and after keel-hauling all those crew members who voted Brexit during sea trials later that month, it sailed on to hitherto undiscovered islands of remote location from which not even the pleas of Waspi sirens could be heard.

So while the world is at Defcom2 – convinced that Vlad Rasputin wants war at all costs and any price – the Mayflower is at Deafcon1, and repeating the now familiar mantra:

“Mother Theresa Mayormaynot is pleased to repeat that her Government has already inflicted remedial help on those women unavoidably but only temporarily rendered penniless by State Pension reform designed to make men and women financially equal. By 2025, both genders will be receiving exactly the same level of pension: nothing.”

Such honesty is rare in these very odd times.


Yesterday at The Slog: the geopolitics of Deutsche Bank