Sunset at Sloggers’ Roost

mesnip30716 It’s important, at the end of the day, that we all sign up for the Deep-Dive investigation. Allegedly.

I have just discovered a new bit of Bizzbollocks, thanks to Bloomberg Boombust TV – which offers a never-ending supply of such phlogiston.

I refer of course to the Deep-Dive Investigation.

The deep-dive investigation – not to be confused with with the Lip-Service Toe in the Water Investigation – is what takes place when already rich shareholders are in danger of losing the sort of money which would change our lives, and marginally inconvenience theirs. The Toe in the Water approach is reserved for Bill Clinton rape, Hillary Clinton emails, Cosy Met Police dinners with Newscorp, and Boris Johnson’s capacious bottom sitting firmly on Childcare buggery where the flesh was supplied by Tory Council care homes.

During the Lip-Service Toe in the Water Investigation, no easily available turd is left unstoned in order that the real miscreants can escape to the Oval Office, Number Ten Downing Street, IMF Chairpersonship, Central Bank presidency or whatever their chosen destination might be. Every lead is let loose and every avenue passed to ensure nothing is allowed to alarm the innocent voter. Rolling heads are avoided whenever possible, but press conferences are bravely tackled head-on.

At such conferences, the media provide the citizenry with the sort of blanket reassurance that allows them to return to their chosen redoubt under the duvet. We’re told frankly and without excuses that freak occurrences took place – once in a generation things nobody could have predicted. And so nobody is guilty.

But despite that, lessons have been learned, and loopholes have been closed, so that this sort of unavoidable tragedy can be avoided in future……until such time as another unforeseeable arsehole succeeds in remaining undetected through no fault of the regulatory authorities – because the undetected arsehole was completely unexpected.

Given the above realities of an imperfect world, it should be clear to all sensible people that there is a qualitative difference between the above kind of diligent, surface-scratching level of inquiry, and the Deep-Dive Investigation.

In a Deep-Dive Investigation, the rules are very different. In such circumstances, it is clear to right-thinking people that a prick (or pricks) of one form or another are threatening the entire belief system. And without visually challenged belief, no contemporary social, economic, political, fiscal or financial system can survive. This presents a real and present threat to the future of humanity, and so nothing less than a deep-dive approach will suffice in order to stir up the sea-bed, cloud the waters, and – following 270,000 words in a Report – reveal a deepwater pearl which may or may not have been cultured by the natural forces controlling such things, eg the media, and Reputation Intermediaries like Bell Pottinger.

The Deep-Dive Investigation must be, by definition, public: for we in the West live in democracies where the electors are sovereign. But of course, it is necessary for the Alpha Leaders to dive into the deep waters alone, and take the tough decisions about what’s important and what isn’t: after all, we elect and even pay them to take that responsibility off our shoulders. Not all of us are born to be seabed deep sea pearl divers.

Deep-Dive comes in two forms:

  1. Something hastily promised in a legislature, and then equally rapidly forgotten as events are said to have overtaken it.
  2. Something hastily promised in a legislature, and then conducted at the average forward speed of a valium-addict snail weighed down by a lead shell.

Recent examples of the former include the UK Inquiry into Oilco refinement profiteering; but the latter form is far more common. Its latin name tarda profundum vulgaris confirms this, and refers to issues such as The Chilcot Enquiry, The Leveson Enquiry, the Mid Staffordshire NHS Trust Enquiry, the Libyan Siege Enquiry, the Soham Murders Enquiry, and the Elm House Buggery Enquiry. [This last has yet to appear]

By the way, no facile connection should be made, in any shape or form, between the influence of Newscorp, and four out of six of the inquiries referenced above. Any resemblance between the slow and eccentric findings of such Deep-Dive inquiries and any characters anywhere alive or dead is purely coincidental. The value of inquiries can go down or up. Your prurient and uninvited interest in such inquiries means that your capital, and possible your life, might be at stake.

As I write, both Presidential Candidate Donald Trump and Existential Threat Deutsche Bank are the subject of Deep-Dive investigations. Previously, Deutsche had required only the toe-in version: but its mendacious prick reading now requires a more serious, slow and blamestorming approach….much of the blame to be laid at that very same lax EU regulation so lauded, once upon a time, by Wall Street.

As for Mr Trump, he is being given the ultra-special Quick Deep Dive with The Bends treatment, as no such real, present and serious political threat to the US Establishment has been seen since John F Kennedy in 1960.

Many people will think me mad for making such a comparison. But 56 years is a long time in politics.

Yesterday at The Slog: Northern Rock + Lehman = Deutsche