“HE DIED LAST AUGUST” CLAIMS LEADING TAXIDERMIST
The world of no work and no pensions was rocked to the core this afternoon as a leading Harley Street taxidermy consultant insisted that DWP Minister of State Damien Green “is not alive”. In a sensational development that took Westminster by storm after rocking it around the clock, taxidermist and leading Home Office expert Gert Stüfft told the Daily Grail‘s Social Necrophilia correspondent Morgan Pirate-Gunne that “instead of beink ze Minister of State, ziss Damien Green should be lyink in state”.
“Juss mein little joke,” Stüfft added, “to show you silly Brexitink Britischer Untermenschen zat vee too in Gairmany haff ze hohoho humorous sense, nicht?”
Herr Doktor Stüfft makes a convincing case, in that DWP Supremo Green hasn’t said anything at all on any subject since October 1st, when he was forced under pressure to confirm that “in future, dead amputees will not be asked to sign on and look for work that involves standing up in any form whatsoever”. Mail socialite Pirate-Gunne writes:
‘Suspicions were raised last month when Green had to be helped to his seat on the Front Bench, where he said nothing except “hear-hear” 31 times, and “Hello I how Green you are Damien meet to nice” once.
‘Doktor Stüfft also points out the evidence of a badly fitting suit and acute weight-loss by the Minister as demonstrated in this rare shot of Damien Green walking unaided – albeit somewhat jerkily – last week:
‘Stüfft observes that “ze huge shoulder paddink iss to hide a remote control Technik zat is allowink Herr Green to Vorsprung in ze manner of a dummy, vich is of course exactly vot he iss”.’
Faced with the news that his successor is little more than an example of the taxidermist’s art, former Minister Stephen Crabb told Mail cub reporter Katie Hopscotch, “Well, this is what happens when there’s no money left for live Ministers. Now perhaps, at long last, these silly breezy Waspi bints will finally realise the lengths we in the Conservative Party have had to go to in order to not conserve their pensions, having not told them a good 21 years ago that we had spent all the money on the restoration of the Foreign Office I mean when will they ever learn?”
But doubts were in turn raised about the vivacity of Hatie Kop-Scotch, as Waspi activists began comparing recent with older shots of the Daily Fail’s resident Shit-Girl:
“Once again there is evidence here that Mrs Spionkops is completely dead,” alleged Waspi co-founder Anorak Queen, “and even though we always knew she was braindead, this is now conclusive proof that the illness spread some time ago – the expression in her recent publicity photographs has not changed since 2014. It is completely unacceptable that we Waspis are having our lives controlled by cadavers”.
Leaping to the defence of Hoppy Katkins, Prime Minister Maybelline Prickteaser said it was “typical of these useless male-dominated harpies to pick on dead people. Damien and Katie remain key members of my inclusive team…I am sick and tired of workshy passengers using death as some kind of feeble excuse…I remain firm in my resolve to stamp out the cancer of Deadism wherever I find it, and create a land fit for all heroes regardless of what public school they attended”.
Waspi critic and part-time light Greek Operetta starlet Franceska Coppalopoulus was unavailable for comment, rational debate, calm discussion and Bah Mitzvahs as The Slog went to press.