Only the sausage limits, the size of the crowds and the more silly punishments are made up in tonight’s news. The rest of it is disturbingly close to what actually happened.
In new legislation announced today, Frau Doktor Angela Mirakle has made it clear that free movement throughout the European Union is non-negotiable, but no immigrants arriving in Germany will be allowed to eat German sausages for five years. And especially not her sausages.
In a move seen by many observers as a warning shot aimed at smart-Alec anti-EU protesters unconvinced by her stance of undying, infinite love for all Ausländer, security has been stepped up tonight around the German Chancellor’s personal supply of Bratwurst. Geli is described as “extremely upset and nervous” by close associates after receiving threats to blow up the Original DDR Foron Fridge which houses her unique collection of ecologically sound, Greenpeace-approved Communist sausages.
Describing Chancellor Mirakle as “the world’s greatest fan of a well-hung sausage”, Minister for alle dicke Leute Werner Havelschwimmer made it clear that “today’s announcement in no way dilutes our unshakeable will to allow immigrants to come to Germany where they will receive a hero’s welcome but no benefits, as such, for at least five years”.
So then, reality permeates the former DDR Judegenführer’s brain at last.
‘Transport for London rolled out a number of special equality traffic lights in Trafalgar Square for Gay Pride back in June. Instead of simply showing a little green man, they light up in symbols signifying two little green men or two little green women – as well as symbols signifying transgender people and same-sex love.’
So wrote Pink News yesterday, giggling behind its painted nails about the fact that the Daily Mail had only just noticed this gigantic step forward for progressive ideas. It is heartwarming to know that – previously unable to reach the pedestrian bit around Nelson’s column – minority sexual orientations can now recognise their symbols and feel completely at ease crossing the road.
The problem I have with this is whether it is safe for LGBTs, boy couples and girl couples all to cross the road in Trafalgar Square at the same time, given that they won’t get the green light anywhere else in London. I have visions of perhaps several thousand happily liberated same-sex lovers, free at last to feed the pigeons all at once, streaming across and throwing bread underarm to the avian inhabitants.
Has anyone, I wonder, alerted air traffic control to the mayhem this might cause in the shape of over-excited (or even terrified) pigeons suddenly ascending en masse into the flight path of Ryanair arrival OL623 on its maiden radar-free flight to Heathrow?
Imagine being the sub handed the task of writing the pithy headline to that one.
In one of his strongest warnings yet that Britain will have to pay a heavy price for leaving the European Union, the most unpopular French President of all time Francois Hollande today announced tough new measures designed to combat future attempts to escape from Stalag Luft Union 29.
As from next Monday, he told France’s National Assembly, every firstborn child of British parents living fulltime in France would be banned for life from attending Festivals du Rire, Vide Greniers, Marchés du Soir, exhibitions of antique French farm equipment and Pétanque championships, or buying mousetraps.
“Zeeeze Breeteesh,” he continued, “merst lerarrn to respect ze profarend preenzeepearls of ze Union, and zat is whah ze sheef negociatteur wheeze dem will bay Guy Verhofstadt”.