Nothing is yours and everything is theirs. The people we pay to protect us have become the incompetent gargoyles who extract everything that is ours. This is a satirical piece: but as more and more of us now realise, today’s satire is tomorrow’s reality.
In a strongly-worded announcement tonight, UK Chancellor Philip Hamfist announced that starting from 1 am Monday next, everyone in the country earning less than £150,000 will be Means Pestered. During a press conference in 11 Downing Street, he told a shocked and largely pissed audience of top intern journalists,
“Having had time now to study the unparalleled growth in jobs since 2010 set against the number of people either scrounging off the State or slacking by working very few hours and then blaming it on us, I am convinced that this measure is vital if the boat we are all in is not to sink without trace in the choppy seas we face due to the inadequacy of abroads who did not take the tough measures like what we done.
“There can be no doubt that the so-called Waspi women in particular must be taught a harsh lesson, for they alone seem unable to accept the reality that only your sacrifices will see us through. They insist we are being mean by pestering them about means, but how else are we to know the degree to which they need the sums of money they naively gave to us all those years ago and which they’ve never really missed because they never had it to spend anyway? Being working class and stupid, they’d only have frittered it away on coal to put in their Council House baths I mean really.
“It pains us all in the Cabinet to see the sort of selfish mentality that gives these silly tarts with delusions of grandeur the illogical idea that, having paid into a National insurance fund, they now expect it – in a time of National emergency – to pay out just for them. Where is their patriotism, I ask you? Indeed, I have spoken to the Home Secretary whose name I cannot quite bring to mind at the moment and she has confirmed to me that very serious thought will be given to putting all Waspis on the growing list of non-violent extremists who will be required at some point to report to Big Sister Theresa’s office for Six of the Best.”
Mr Hamshank then went on to explain what means pestering would entail.
“We in the Conservative Party are determined to eradicate the scrounger mentality completely. There will be will no more “we give you something for nothing” from the State from now on. Henceforth, the deal will be “we give you nothing for something”.
“For example, so far most British citizens have given nothing at all of their own money to save our banking system. Not a penny. It is Treasury money that saved the banks – legal taxes citizens must pay…..which – the second they do – becomes our money. So from Monday, every person formally known as a customer and now correctly reconfigured as a creditor who walks into a bank will be pestered by teller staff as to why they have money in the bank and what they propose to spend it on. Unsatisfactory answers like “Mind your own fucking business” will be punished severely by a 95% tax on all current account liquidity. In turn, any creditor expecting Cash Machines to simply give them money will be treated to a short, sharp shock: the card will be retained, and everyone with confiscated plastic will be required by law to make an appointment with a fully trained G4S orangutan who will use sign language to ask the sort of impertinent questions these disgusting hoarders so richly deserve.”
Mr Hampstedde-Heathe turned next to the actions of Junior doctors, pulling no punches in his criticisms:
“Here we have a bunch of hysterical young persons brainwashed by Communist lecturers in Medical School demanding more rest periods, fewer budget cuts….and now going beyond the pale by calling a petulant all-out strike just to get more money I mean is this all they think about? Surely they have a calling and signed a hypocritical oath promising never to strike ever? And if they didn’t well, they soon will you mark my words.”
Flip Hamburger went on to explain that every striking doctor would have the amount of salary they were doing without during the strike totted up and deducted from their salaries, on the entirely logical basis that if they had money they didn’t need, then the State should not be asked to pay them that.
“Let them go and work in the private sector,” he suggested, adding that “my friend and colleague Health Secretary Cherie B. Canute has been expansive in his generous offers to let them do this, applying in the first instance to his second cousin Baroness Nettlepatch. This would enable the NHS to focus on giving the sort of World Class service to the undeserving poor who alright if you twist my arm yes fair enough a zero-hours Third World Class sort of informal emergency service should be provided for them, but only if it washes its face, mind, and the anaesthetic bill is kept to a bare minimum”.
Mr Fortnums-Hamper then handed over to the Secretary of State for Business, Energy and Industrial Strategy Greg Clark to announce new privatisation measures in keeping with the Means Pestering strategy.
Mr Clark began by explaining whoTF he was, and then guaranteed himself a place in history by announcing the Government’s intention to privatise the Anglican Church.
“We see here in this dilapidated institution,” he began, “a classic case of public sector waste, unmodernised practices, and a totally missed opportunity to exploit the strongly held beliefs of old crones who are desperate to avoid the Fires of Hell.
“There is a captive audience of baby-boomers suffused with a misguided belief in ethics and the negative consequences of being an evil git when it comes to the After Life. At present, the pathetic method of fleecing these daft old goats is some ageing verger-perv shuffling around with an offertory plate.
“So it is our intention – in keeping with an evidence-based belief that Waspi destitution is nothing more than a hard Left propaganda myth nurtured by Corbynites who wish our country ill – to prove this by privatising the Church and making a weekly contribution of £200 for Church attendees obligatory. Then I think we shall see just how much tax-evaded cash these nasty Moaning Minnies really have under the mattress.”
Mr Bark then threw the session open for questions. First up was a query from Guardian Islamic columnist Sasha Yarokay, who asked if Mr Snark was aware of the fact that the Church of England is actually privately owned.
Describing this as “a technicality”, Greg Spark observed that, “We propose to acquire the Church from its owners for £0.00, and then float the company as ChristAlmighty plc – a flotation, I might add, likely to benefit the taxpayer and some of my best mates to the tune of £680 million.”
Asked by Telegraph business journalist James Kockup how quickly investors might expect a return on their investment, Mr Dark said “within a few hours”. But Mirror stalwart Kelvin McWireservice said the deal would represent “Very poor value for the owners of the Anglican Church.”
“But surely,” Mr Quark shot back, “the owners are devout Christians and so such material matters should be of no concern to them?”.
Sir Philip Green watched the proceedings live from his boat, which we must stress is entirely separate from from the boat the rest of us are in.